Well, after another conversation with the SW last evening, I'm declaring the relationship officially over. I kept hoping that things would smooth over and we could find a way to repair something, but it's just not meant to be. I'm getting mixed messages all over the place and think it's high time that I stop letting him affect me this way. I'm not going to change some fundamental things about me, and his situation and responsibilities won't either.
I'm philosophical about this relationship and will look for the lessons here. And in the future (months and months from now), perhaps we can be friends.
And so I move on...
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
One more
After last Wednesday's call I thought that SW wouldn't check in again for a while. After all, I had pressed about the break up and he has shown lately how much he wants to shy away from that conversation.
However, Thursday afternoon the phone rang and it was him. I actually laughed and told him that he constantly surprised me. He asked why and I answered that because after the last conversation I thought it would be a while before we talked again. We continued to have a fun, light conversation with him making slight reference to us seeing each other in November. This is because his second job will slow down in that month. I told him that I was not holding my breath. Again, we hung up friendly and casual.
The confusion about this still lingers, but I'm trying to just go with the flow. One friend believes that SW likes the chase and then when reality hits, he leaves. Another thinks that he can't commit to stay, but he can't commit to actually leave either.
Me? I just think he's a man who has a ton on his plate and wants to have a relationship, but just can't seem to make it work right now in his llife. I do believe we have a strong connection, but I also know intellectually that all his obligations and responsibilities make this a relationship that would be tough sledding.
And so I move on....
However, Thursday afternoon the phone rang and it was him. I actually laughed and told him that he constantly surprised me. He asked why and I answered that because after the last conversation I thought it would be a while before we talked again. We continued to have a fun, light conversation with him making slight reference to us seeing each other in November. This is because his second job will slow down in that month. I told him that I was not holding my breath. Again, we hung up friendly and casual.
The confusion about this still lingers, but I'm trying to just go with the flow. One friend believes that SW likes the chase and then when reality hits, he leaves. Another thinks that he can't commit to stay, but he can't commit to actually leave either.
Me? I just think he's a man who has a ton on his plate and wants to have a relationship, but just can't seem to make it work right now in his llife. I do believe we have a strong connection, but I also know intellectually that all his obligations and responsibilities make this a relationship that would be tough sledding.
And so I move on....
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Not quite finished
During the past 10 days or so, I've been working to find closure, understanding and peace about the SW and I breaking it off. I'm trying to really listen and observe actions and not make things more wonderful than they are.
To that end, I've written some letters to SW just to clear my mind. Of course, they find the trash quickly, but it's good therapy for someone who is a writer by trade.
Then Monday afternoon, the phone rang and it was the SW. He called in a chatty mood. He had a bad day at work; one of the students in his school had died over the weekend. He had worked with the young lady and her family for about a year. I believe that he wanted just to talk and to just have someone listen. I made a conscious decision not to talk about our situation, just to be a friend. We hung up after a friendly chat with no promises or accusations.
Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang again. (We often talked early in the morning when he was making his 45 minute commute.) It started out as a friendly chat, a continuation of the afternoon before. But I decided that if he could reach out, I needed to clear the air about how I have been feeling. So I dove right in, with respect of course, and asked what had happened. I didn't get a really solid answer, more waffling, but at least I started the conversation.
I think that to stay true to me, I need to ask these tough questions. He's been avoiding things like an 18-yr-old, and I think that he needs to honor the relationship we did have, something he pushed with the "I love you" so early and often.
SW actually called again that morning, to "finish" the conversation. While I don't think it's all quite finished yet, I'm finding a good balance between letting him know that my feelings are valid and trying to understand his feelings and that whatever happened probably was more on him and his issues than anything I can control.
And so I move on.
To that end, I've written some letters to SW just to clear my mind. Of course, they find the trash quickly, but it's good therapy for someone who is a writer by trade.
Then Monday afternoon, the phone rang and it was the SW. He called in a chatty mood. He had a bad day at work; one of the students in his school had died over the weekend. He had worked with the young lady and her family for about a year. I believe that he wanted just to talk and to just have someone listen. I made a conscious decision not to talk about our situation, just to be a friend. We hung up after a friendly chat with no promises or accusations.
Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang again. (We often talked early in the morning when he was making his 45 minute commute.) It started out as a friendly chat, a continuation of the afternoon before. But I decided that if he could reach out, I needed to clear the air about how I have been feeling. So I dove right in, with respect of course, and asked what had happened. I didn't get a really solid answer, more waffling, but at least I started the conversation.
I think that to stay true to me, I need to ask these tough questions. He's been avoiding things like an 18-yr-old, and I think that he needs to honor the relationship we did have, something he pushed with the "I love you" so early and often.
SW actually called again that morning, to "finish" the conversation. While I don't think it's all quite finished yet, I'm finding a good balance between letting him know that my feelings are valid and trying to understand his feelings and that whatever happened probably was more on him and his issues than anything I can control.
And so I move on.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Cruel to be kind?
Well, another weekend has passed and I'm still working to get over the SW. The last phone call I had was last Wednesday morning and I thought, once again from his comments, that we would stay friends and perhaps date once in a while. However, there hasn't been any word at all since then. And because one of my rules is to not chase people, I've not reached out other than a short email after his last phone call.
This morning I was wondering about it, and thought that perhaps he is cutting most communication as a way to help the separation, rather than dragging something out. Each phone call and email is a little bit of hope for me, and he doesn't want to give me false hope. I know that it probably a way to think about it that makes ME feel better, but it's still hard. You get used to seeing someone, talking to them every day, hearing how wonderful you are together. Then nothing. The rejection and the disappointment are difficult.
On an up note, most of my friends have been supportive and affirmative, reminding me that taking the chance on relationships takes a lot of guts and work and that they are proud of me. They also remind me that if I found something like the wonderfulness with the SW, I will find it again.
Finally, to help me remember all the challenges that this relationship had from the beginning, I wrote a list and posted it to my bathroom mirror. It helps me remember that there WERE challenges from the beginning, instead of forming a "halo" of perfection on the relationship.
And so I move on.
This morning I was wondering about it, and thought that perhaps he is cutting most communication as a way to help the separation, rather than dragging something out. Each phone call and email is a little bit of hope for me, and he doesn't want to give me false hope. I know that it probably a way to think about it that makes ME feel better, but it's still hard. You get used to seeing someone, talking to them every day, hearing how wonderful you are together. Then nothing. The rejection and the disappointment are difficult.
On an up note, most of my friends have been supportive and affirmative, reminding me that taking the chance on relationships takes a lot of guts and work and that they are proud of me. They also remind me that if I found something like the wonderfulness with the SW, I will find it again.
Finally, to help me remember all the challenges that this relationship had from the beginning, I wrote a list and posted it to my bathroom mirror. It helps me remember that there WERE challenges from the beginning, instead of forming a "halo" of perfection on the relationship.
And so I move on.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Tough weekend
Well, after the hopeful phone call last Thursday morning, I haven't heard a word from the Social Worker. I'm hurt and confused and angry. As I look back at the relationship, I feel that he is responsible for moving it so fast. I was very cautious and slow, only getting caught up after a few weeks of his positive feedback about us. I'm still not sure how things changed so fast. And It's hard for my personality to understand that I may never understand or get real closure.
Intellectually, I know there are many challenges to us being a couple for long-term. The kids, the lifestyles, financials, etc. But my heart is hurt. I know enough that you just don't find people that you have an attraction with. The SW was attractive to me on an intellectual level, a physical level and a emotional level.
I'll work this week on getting past this hurt, and subsequent lonliness, that I'm feeling. And then I'll move on. As always.
Intellectually, I know there are many challenges to us being a couple for long-term. The kids, the lifestyles, financials, etc. But my heart is hurt. I know enough that you just don't find people that you have an attraction with. The SW was attractive to me on an intellectual level, a physical level and a emotional level.
I'll work this week on getting past this hurt, and subsequent lonliness, that I'm feeling. And then I'll move on. As always.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Slow and go
This morning SW called. I was happy and nervous to talk with him. I didn't want to cry again after an on-off day of sad tears on Wednesday.
He let me know about some work issues that we had talked about and how they resolved. We then switched to a talk about us. SW said that he had missed talking to me and that he was thinking about me. I asked him what he wanted to do about us seeing each other. He said that he'd like to see each other and that he had real feelings for me, but he had so many pressures on him. I let him know that I would be happy to date slowly and casually.
Although we started out with a bang, this type of dating makes a lot more sense for two people who haven't known each other that long. He asked if we could do that (dating casually) since we both are the types of people who jump right in. I assured him it was fine. I let him know that he didn't have to call me every day (something he had initiated), that he could call and make a date and then not need to check in every day.
He said that it could work as long as I didn't get mad for him not calling every day. I reminded him that I've not been like that through the whole beginning and that I was mature and understanding about all the things in his life. He acknowledged that I was not like that and that he knew I was a mature and open person.
I did let him know that I had some parameters about dating casually...honesty and trust and just dating each other unless we told each other. He let me know that all that was very OK with him.
We left the conversation on a good note, talking about the kids and work and such. We didn't make a next date, but I didn't expect that. I do expect a different sort of relationship, but I believe it will be much more in line with reality.
And so I move on....with optimism.
He let me know about some work issues that we had talked about and how they resolved. We then switched to a talk about us. SW said that he had missed talking to me and that he was thinking about me. I asked him what he wanted to do about us seeing each other. He said that he'd like to see each other and that he had real feelings for me, but he had so many pressures on him. I let him know that I would be happy to date slowly and casually.
Although we started out with a bang, this type of dating makes a lot more sense for two people who haven't known each other that long. He asked if we could do that (dating casually) since we both are the types of people who jump right in. I assured him it was fine. I let him know that he didn't have to call me every day (something he had initiated), that he could call and make a date and then not need to check in every day.
He said that it could work as long as I didn't get mad for him not calling every day. I reminded him that I've not been like that through the whole beginning and that I was mature and understanding about all the things in his life. He acknowledged that I was not like that and that he knew I was a mature and open person.
I did let him know that I had some parameters about dating casually...honesty and trust and just dating each other unless we told each other. He let me know that all that was very OK with him.
We left the conversation on a good note, talking about the kids and work and such. We didn't make a next date, but I didn't expect that. I do expect a different sort of relationship, but I believe it will be much more in line with reality.
And so I move on....with optimism.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Difficult evening
Tonight the Social Worker and I had a difficult talk. It had to do with him being stretched to the limit with the kids, a full-time job, a part-time job and me. He vocalized that he was not sure what was going on, but that he was feeling like he was pulling away from me. And he just wasn't sure why.
He was the one who went full-bore into this just 2 months ago. I was cautious, taking my time. But I admit that I was bowled over by the attention, the sweet words, the hours of good conversation. Lately things have slowed down, but I attributed it to the nature of life. He was still calling daily, writing emails every few days and generally keeping things the same.
As I've said before, there are many differences and challenges to a relationship with him. I was taking the tack that only time will tell and I was attracted to him enough to put some time in. Heck, I'm still amazed at him and feel so many good emotions around him.
Anyway, the talk last about an hour and then he took his leave. I'm not sure if we will stop dating all together, or just pull way back and continue to enjoy each other's company as a dating couple. I assured him that I would like to keep seeing each other, but that I understood that if I was just not his girl, so be it. He said that he would call, but I'm not sure when and want to give him his space.
It's hard for me to understand how we went from 0 to 60 back to 20. I feel sad, mad and even foolish. When I talked to both the Wingwoman and Best Friend T tonight, they both assured me that having the guts, courage and open heart to let myself feel these emotions are all good, and not foolish. And that is why they are my best friends.
And so I move on.
He was the one who went full-bore into this just 2 months ago. I was cautious, taking my time. But I admit that I was bowled over by the attention, the sweet words, the hours of good conversation. Lately things have slowed down, but I attributed it to the nature of life. He was still calling daily, writing emails every few days and generally keeping things the same.
As I've said before, there are many differences and challenges to a relationship with him. I was taking the tack that only time will tell and I was attracted to him enough to put some time in. Heck, I'm still amazed at him and feel so many good emotions around him.
Anyway, the talk last about an hour and then he took his leave. I'm not sure if we will stop dating all together, or just pull way back and continue to enjoy each other's company as a dating couple. I assured him that I would like to keep seeing each other, but that I understood that if I was just not his girl, so be it. He said that he would call, but I'm not sure when and want to give him his space.
It's hard for me to understand how we went from 0 to 60 back to 20. I feel sad, mad and even foolish. When I talked to both the Wingwoman and Best Friend T tonight, they both assured me that having the guts, courage and open heart to let myself feel these emotions are all good, and not foolish. And that is why they are my best friends.
And so I move on.
Monday, October 01, 2007
The "L" word
Well, it's been 50 days with the Social Worker and I'm even more attracted to him than ever. We've been spending as much time together as well can, along with phone calls and emails. We never seem to run out of things to talk about, things to discuss, things to discover.
This past weekend, he had the girls with him, so we did a family dinner on Friday night out at a restaurant, then a dinner at his house with the girls last night. If I didn't think he was an amazing man, just watching him with the girls is enough to give me a full heart. He's so wonderful with them and you can just feel how much he loves and treasures them.
We also got to sneak away to the back yard for some adult time. We talked about how much we enjoy seeing each other, even if it's not private time. During the conversation, he said that he's totally in love with me and how happy and lucky he was. I told him that I loved him as well. Quite a moment between us. Then, it was back in the house to see if one girl had taken her bath and to put one to bed.
And so I move on with a very happy life right now.
This past weekend, he had the girls with him, so we did a family dinner on Friday night out at a restaurant, then a dinner at his house with the girls last night. If I didn't think he was an amazing man, just watching him with the girls is enough to give me a full heart. He's so wonderful with them and you can just feel how much he loves and treasures them.
We also got to sneak away to the back yard for some adult time. We talked about how much we enjoy seeing each other, even if it's not private time. During the conversation, he said that he's totally in love with me and how happy and lucky he was. I told him that I loved him as well. Quite a moment between us. Then, it was back in the house to see if one girl had taken her bath and to put one to bed.
And so I move on with a very happy life right now.
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