Holiday spirit

As the holidays are approaching, I am getting into the spirit. Saturday BuffaloBoy and I went to buy some Christmas trees. One for his house, one for mine. It was great to have help; he just lifted mine up and plopped it in the stand. So easy. Mine is now all done and decorated. His is in the stand, but not sure if he got any decorating done or not. The house looks lovely and I always enjoy getting all my special things out of storage.

While on the subject, I want to encourage everyone to give to their favorite charity or cause this season. Right here in my hometown there are people who are going to bed hungry at night. I've given a couple of ways this season and am always surprised that it makes me almost more happy than giving a material gift!

The fire is not out

Ever since The Torch and I decided to try to be friends, we’ve been in contact with emails, work-related projects, a dinner or two, lunch, etc. Every time I see him, I still am bowled over by the feelings I have for him. I’m more adjusted to it now, and it’s not keeping me up at night, but I still feel deeply for him.

The other day we went to lunch with a mutual friend who knows about my thoughts for him. After lunch she mentioned how he looks at me and how we are so perfect for each other. But unless he really undergoes a change and opens himself up to being with me, it’s status quo. And so I move on…

Why can't we be friends?

(written last night, but posted this morning)

Hi all and sorry for the lapse in writing once again. To catch you up, BuffaloBoy found himself in the doghouse over the Thanksgiving holiday. For the few weeks before, we had talked about two important things to me; my birthday and the fact that my mother and twin sister were coming into town. On the Friday night before the holiday week, Boy mentions that he will be out of town the night of my birthday. I was more hurt and disappointed than anything. After all, we have been dating for almost 6 months. He wanted to attend a party in another town and did not offer to change his plans.

While I’m old enough to handle my birthday by myself, I felt frustrated and confused since (in my opinion) we had talked about it for the weeks before. Luckily, some of my wonderful friends made sure my birthday was a success with a wonderful dinner and great conversation.

The other issue in the same time-frame that helped Boy’s doghouse status was the fact that he told me that he would meet my mother and sister for lunch while they were in town. Again, we had discussed this and I told him early that this was a “no obligation” invitation. But he seemed like he was very agreeable.

The Friday after Thanksgiving, I called Boy at the appointed time to tell him where and when to meet us that noontime. He begged off, saying he was “tired,” and would like to, but, you know, he just was tired. Uff!

Am I off base to expect that when you are a grown man, and you tell the woman you have been dating steadily that you will be at an appointed lunch, you will be there? Honestly, he should have just pulled up his socks, sucked it up and come out for one hour.

This leads me to the last part. Obviously there has never been a huge romantic attachment to the Boy, even though I’ve been enjoying his company. And with his actions (coupled with some other dates that have been begged off or done “later”) of the week, I’m pretty sure that he is simply enjoying my company too without any long-term thoughts.

While I know it’s only been 6 months of dating, I don’t want either one of us to get our feelings hurt, or waste our time. I like Boy, but long-term romance? I don’t think it’s in the cards for us.

Thankful for....

Sorry this is about a week late, but I wanted to make a list of what I'm thankful for:

• my family who are funny and supportive and loving
• my friends who are generous and kind and fun
• the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat
• books
• values my parents taught me
• my opportunity to try teaching this year

I could go on, but you get the idea. Hope all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

darn it!

Well, I hate being ambivalent. I am enjoying time with BuffaloBoy, but when I shut my eyes and look into the future, I don't see a life with him. And my objective to dating is to have fun, yes, but also to find a partner, lover, friend who I can spend this next part of my life with.

So, do I break it off before someone gets hurt? Do I bring up a conversation so he knows what I'm thinking? Do I just relax and see what happens? After 5 months, I think it's time we decide where we're going.

And to tell the truth, I'm not sure Boy sees up long-term as well. I'm not HIS usual girl....I'm more intellectual, more "buttoned-up" if you will, more "mainstream." Arrgh.

One of my thoughts is to see what happens over the holidays when we will see each other a lot less. After my Italy trip, things seemed to be better on both sides. But lately I feel that the "honeymoon" is over and we are seeing each other in the real light. He is forgetful, disorganized, not into planning too much. All things that might eventually drive me up the wall.

On the flip side, his heart is warm and generous and his communication skills are very solid. Surely there must be someone else out there that has these traits, and who is more of a match for me??

Housekeeping 101

Well, Saturday night BuffaloBoy made me dinner at his house. We usually hang out at my place for the sheer convenience of it all, and the fact that Boy is vocal about not being a good housekeeper. I usually pooh-pooh that, saying that I like friends for who they are, not how they keep their house.

I arrived at the set time of about 7:30 and, surprise, Boy is not ready. In fact, he hasn't showered yet, telling me that he has been running around cleaning and cooking all day. He has also already broken into the wine, using some of it to marinade the lamb (delicious!) and has had a glass himself. I volunteer to go grab another bottle while he pops into the shower.

As I arrive back at his crib, I see him in the backyard working feverishly at the grill. The lamb smells divine (he actually is a good cook) and I can't wait for dinner.

When I walk inside, I am amazed at the kitchen. Even though he has sworn that he has been working "all day," to a girl's eyes, it just doesn't look like it. Fast forward to his thoughts that he worked on his kitchen and bathroom, watched two movies on TV, went to the grocery twice and the drugstore once. So I figure his cleaning time, with all those distractions, was down to about 45 minutes. No wonder it still looked like a bachelor pad.

This got me thinking about different men I've dated and their different houses. The Torch's apartment is funky and cool, fairly neat and tidy. Much like his personality and owing to his job in the "arts." The Pilot's house was always neat and tidy too, which makes sense. He was a clothes horse and always dressed very particularly. The Accountant's house was a jumble. Papers everywhere and a pool table in the living room!

I promised the Boy that I would help him make a dent. Truly, it's not the "guy's apartment" right out of college that you swore you would never set foot in again. It just needs a little touch-up and he needs to learn some tip and tricks of the housekeeping trade. I guess that most men don't learn this from their moms like the girls do.

And so I move on....apparently with a dust cloth in my hand.

P.S. The dinner and evening were delightful.

Back in town

Well, this past weekend was the first weekend since I've been back from Italy (late Sept) that the BuffaloBoy and I haven't had any sort of date. No panic. He was out of town to see his family.

I had a good weekend, with lots of yard work, visits with my home-girls, and some down time. Sadly, my beloved Steelers lost on Sunday, so that put a crimp in the day.

This morning, Boy called to say hello and check to see if we still had a date to watch Monday Night Football. (For those who don't know, I'm a big football fan). I told him yes, and that I missed him over the weekend. That was big stuff for us. We are generally going slow and taking our time. Although, the conversation we had at the vineyard a week ago was moving us forward...or so I think from my position.

It will be interesting to see what happens next. We both are still smarting from other relationships (oh, Torch...), and are reluctant to get in to deep too fast. OK with me, most of the time, anyway.

I'll get to the details of the vineyard conversation in another post. Meanwhile, I move on.

You're 48, for cryin' out loud!

Back in the day, I dated a man (see blog entry entitled "A Date and a .38"). After a very immature kiss-off by him via email (email for goodness sake!), I thought that whole chapter was done.

Forward to about August when I get an email (another!) saying that he would like to be friends again, although he made it clear that he was dating another woman and it was going well. The generous, polite person I am, I said sure. We exchange a few emails, talk lightly about getting coffee, leave voice mails, but never seem to connect.

After an innocent email where I mentioned that he appeared in one of my dreams (very G-rated), I got back an email that was definitely R-rated. He said, "I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries." I wrote back that yes, it was over the line, that I did not appreciate his thoughts, that I was dating a very nice man and that I was woman of integrity.

Instead of him apologizing for his somewhat 16-year-old behavior, he makes it my problem. Says that I was being too sensitive, that he was joking, that I can't take a joke, etc. He wrapped it up by saying that if I didn't respond to his email, he would know that I didn't want to talk to him anymore and that would be a "shame." For whom, I ask?

So I hit the "delete" button and forget about it. Two days later, here comes another email, again berating me for not being open enough to accept his comment as a joke. Oh, and that I needed was "obsessed with my old boyfriend and needed to move on." Then, a TEXT message. Arrgh. Then yesterday, another email. All deleted.

My question becomes, who really needs to move on here? Not me. Goodness. Go back to sixth grade.

And so, I do move on.

Background for you, fair reader

I'm taking a brief moment to post quickly and catch some folks up on what happened between August and October.

When BuffaloBoy's old gal came into town, he was honest, and fair, about telling me. And I appreciated that. However, after a week (a week!) of not hearing from him, I became somewhat confused. Here was a man who had been taking me out at least once a week and all of the sudden, no communication at all. Not like him.

Finally, not really knowing what else to do, I sent him a low-key, but honest email saying that I was confused about not hearing from him and letting him know what I enjoyed his company, hoped to see/hear from him again and that no matter what, that I wished him well.

About two days later I get a long, rather heart-felt email from Boy. He let me know that he and ex-gal decided to spend the week together at the beach to "finish" things. Yikes! But knowing Boy, his "zen" way of thinking, etc., I decided to accept his apology. Again, he was very up front and honest. And he assured me that they were not looking to mend fences in any way, shape or form.

We went to dinner and mended fences ourselves. And so it continues. More to come, lovely readers.

Can I have syrup with my waffle?

I know that this is kinda ahead of the written story here, but I thought that I needed to keep writing or else I would never get caught up.

I've been trying to think about the relationship with BuffaloBoy and how I feel about him. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm still thinking about the Torch from time to time. Torch and I have also been back in touch, even seeing each other on a "friends" basis.

As I think about what I want (what IS it, anyway?) and who I would like to spend time with, Boy is looking good. His kindness, thoughtfulness, communication skills, honesty and willingness to HAVE a real relationship is key. And you just can't discount good men. There's not a lot of them out there. Or maybe there is, but not ones that you click with on all the right levels.

The Torch is a good man. But he obviously can't have a relationship with me (for whatever reason). I've been trying to move on completely for months and it might just be happening. The question becomes this: Am I moving on because of the feelings I have for Boy? Or am I moving on because it's just time to understand and accept that Torch isn't able to be who I need him to be.

Am I looking for a long-term with Boy? No. Not yet. Maybe never. But for right now, it's hard to beat someone who calls and says he can't wait to see me tomorrow night.

Time passes

Hi everyone. Sorry it's been so long, but life has been kind of crazy.

The big news is that I've been to the beach with the family, been to the beach with BuffaloBoy and have been to Italy with a friend. Life is good. No complaints over here.

And the other big news is that BuffaloBoy and I have moved to a new place, I think. It's long and complicated, but let me say in this quick post that it's hard to discount a nice person who is interested in having an adult relationship with honest, understanding communication. We're not in a big love by far, but I think that we're both getting to know each other and appreciate each other's company, views on the world, etc.

OK, late now and I have work to do for my class, so I'll catch up later.

Late for a very important date

Well, it's been a while, and I do have a LOT of BuffaloBoy stories to tell, but I wanted to get one in tonight.

BuffaloBoy asked for a dinner date when we went out last Thursday night. He wanted to cook dinner for me on Tuesday night. Great, I say. Then on Friday night, he asked if he could move the dinner date to Monday since he wanted to go see friends on Tuesday night. Fine, I say. Then he calls Monday to see if I could move the date to Tuesday night. Sure, I thought. He wanted to clean the house properly and get all ready.

Next, he moves the time from 7:00 pm to 7:30. No problem. Then tonight, as I was getting ready, he called AGAIN and asked if he could move it to 8:00 pm. He wanted to do more cleaning. I've been to his house, and while it's not perfect, he's a real bachelor. No worries.

What do I think? While I understand that it's hard to get things done while you're working full-time, etc. But at the same time, he's now 44 and can't get his house clean? I don't like my friends because they have perfectly clean house. At the same time, I wonder. I wonder.

Honesty is the best policy

Once again, I am amazed at the honesty and open communication of BuffaloBoy.

We were scheduled to have a date this last Friday night. No worries. Then on Thursday morning, he called at the office and said that he had to cancel. At first I was a little surprised since that's not like him. Then he went on to explain.

He told me that his old girlfriend (from another city) was coming into town to get the rest of her stuff out of his house. They broke up in March/April (can't remember) and she had left some things that were valuable to her at his home. I know that this break up was hard for him and that the dating of the two of them was long term. Boy assured me that this was needed for him to have closure and that it was a strictly "business" visit.

I know he could have just called and cancelled and told me that a friend from out of town was coming in to see him. But he went out on a limb to tell me the true story. Think about it. If you are dating a girl, you don't want to risk the girl by telling her that your old girlfriend is coming into town and staying with you overnight.

My hat is off to you BuffaloBoy. Thanks for the honest, adult communication.

To date or not to date, that is the question

A lot of dating for me involves self-awareness and thinking about what I want out of dating and life. Recently I have been dating the nice BuffaloBoy. He's sweet, funny, smart. And while he's not lighting me up inside, I AM having a good time. According the wonderful Mom, that's OK. For now, anyway.

But I feel like at this age, and with my objective (which is an eventual long-term partner), I don't want to waste too much time. So I'm torn. Keep dating him? Start dating around again? My main online dating service is slow. After you are on there for some time, you tend to see the same old faces and "playas" or guys who I supposed are still looking--just like me. My other online service is slow too.

So yesterday I "hid" my profile on my main service. With all the social, family and personal stuff going on in my life, I thought I would take a break.

And on the subject of Boy, I don't want to keep dating him and keep both he and I from meeting the right person. On the other hand, I like the fun I have with him, the talks we have, his company, etc. What to do? What to do? And so, that is the gist of dating life at 45.

Dating means shaving

This morning in the shower, I had a revelation. When you are dating someone, you must shave. Now, I'm not a crunchy granola girl who never shaves, but I always feel like my skin gets dryer when I shave (not to mention the nicks and cuts).

But when you're dating, you need to look sleek and polished. All the time! So I found myself attacking my legs this morning in the shower, making them fit for public consumption! (hey, I didn't mean it that way!)

BuffaloBoy is taking me for a nice dinner out on the town tonight. I'm looking forward to the evening, and just trying to enjoy the moments.

And so I move on....

Mother knows best

Well, it's a hot Wednesday evening and I need to update everyone.

I had a date with BuffaloBoy last night. Again, just when I think he's not at all interested, he makes a move. Like chess perhaps? Who knows.

The story: Boy was out of town last Thurs to Sun evening at a bluegrass concert. I surely thought that he would call me when he got back into town, but no. Then I thought he would call Monday at the office, but no. Then I thought maybe I would hear from him Monday night. But no.

As per usual, I thought "well, it's done. He's not feeling it. I'm not feeling it." I like him, enjoy his company, but really am not getting lit up by him. I am looking for the feeling that just makes me bounce when I think of him. Nothing against him, just perhaps not my guy.

So Tuesday at the office, the phone rings. Boy says hello, tells me about his concert, asks about my weekend, etc. We chat and it's nice. He asks for a date for Thursday night. We agree that would work and he lets me know he'll call me later in the week to make plans.

About AN HOUR later he calls the office again. Claims that he "can't wait until Thursday" and wants to know if I can go to dinner that very night. Nice. I'm happy, since I DO enjoy his company. We meet, have a nice Thai dinner out, go get ice cream, then come back to my place. He seems like regular old Boy, and I enjoy myself. I ask him if he wants to hang out, watch a little TV, but he says no, he needs to go home.

OK, I ask you: is this a man who missed me? Who "couldn't wait" to see me?

I can NOT figure this one out. I enjoy him and like dating him casually, but I'm not sure WHAT he thinks. Per the great Mom, I should not work on figuring him out and just enjoy his company. She's a smart one, that Mom.

And so I move on.

Summer fun

It's been a while, so I need to catch everyone up.

I had another date with BuffaloBoy last weekend and we had a GREAT time. Last week he called twice just to talk and we had some amazing conversations. I always thought that talking to The Torch was good, but he and I more stayed on topics such as work since we are both in the same business. With Boy, we touch all sorts of topics.

At our dinner date on Saturday I was once again amazed at his openness, emotionally availability and ability to be honest. He doesn't shy away from topics and is thoughtful about what he says. As a consequence I am feeling open and honest, not afraid to go into some issues. With other people, including the Ex husband, I was afraid to broach some subjects, not knowing how judgmental the other person would be, how the other person would react, or how it might impact our relationship. Wow. Adult dating time. How nice! Refreshing! And truly, a lot of fun.

Boy has called me twice at work today just to chat and that's been fun too. My phone NEVER rings. People just come up to my desk and chat if they need me. You know who you are.

We have a date Friday night to have some steaks and rent a movie. Perfect Friday evening date when everyone is tired from the work week. And I think we may swing a tennis racquet on Sunday. Ah, summer fun.

And so I move forward....

An "F" on my report card

OK. I admit it. I can NOT read this man.

BuffaloBoy has, well, buffaloed me again. After the bike date and his declaration that he didn't want to get into another relationship since he just got out of a long-term one, I figured he was done dating me. Or at least he would space the dates out a bit more.

Instead he called last night. He wanted to know what I was doing for the weekend and said that he was thinking about going out to find a good restaurant. Wow! I wouldn't have bet on that one. Anyway, since I'm going to a party, I invited him to go with me.

We also had a wonderful conversation and I was once again impressed with how smart, thoughtful and funny he is.

I just can't figure this guy out. Half the time I think he's not at all interested and half the time I think he's interested. Of course, I keep waffling too. Half the time I figure he's not the guy, and then I turn around and he's got me laughing and thinking about him.

And so I move on....

Riding it out

Well, BuffaloBoy and I had a nice time last Sunday riding our bikes. It was a beautiful morning, and we enjoyed each other's company.

With that said, Boy came to pick me up and hour and a half after the original time he told me. He had called twice and was sweet about it, but I wondered how important it was for him to be on time. He was also not ready for an outdoor day. He brought no water, no shirt to change into (sweaty riding in the humid summer). I guess that he's just less detailed than I, but if you ask a young lady to go bike riding in a neighboring town, wouldn't you bring some water? Even for yourself?

After the ride, we had talked about getting some lunch, but ended up at my house. We decided to watch some tennis, relax and enjoy the air-conditioning. Later in the day, we got a pizza. watched a movie and just chilled out. He left my place about 6:00 pm.

All in all, a nice day, but I'm just not sure he's my guy. Good person, fun to hang around with, but no huge sparks on my part. And perhaps not on his either? It's hard to say since he is hard to read (for me anyway!).

While we were hanging around talking, he mentioned once again that the bad date and how it was not "fair" to take his mending/bruised heart out on me. He also mentioned how he didn't want to make seeing me a "big deal" since he just got out of the recent relationship. Hey! Maybe I don't want to make this a big deal! Maybe you're not worth a big deal!

Was he just trying to set my expectations? Or simply telling me the dating will slow down. Whatever it is, I won't feel a huge sting if this ends. I actually enjoy BuffaloBoy's company, but romance? Eh. We'll see what happens next.

And so I move on.

Clarity and apologies

The story so far:

BuffaloBoy and I have a crappy date last Saturday (see below for larger details). BuffaloBoy is quiet and pensive; I get more cheerful to the point of mania. Date ends and I figure I'll never see him again.

Tuesday (4th of July), BuffaloBoy finally makes it to ball game and fireworks. I worry most of the day that he is trying to get out of plans and figures he comes to ballgame because ticket is paid for. (BestFriend T needs to give me a cocktail of hers called "Whatever" to keep me from getting in too deep.)

Wed and Thurs, I don't hear from BuffaloBoy and figure if there is no date this weekend, the whole thing is done.

Friday morning--BuffaloBoy calls early (7:20 a.m.) and leaves message about getting together on Sunday morning for biking or tennis. I decide not to call back immediately, hoping that a little silence will inspire BuffaloBoy to keep up the pursuit. I don't like playing games, but I certainly think there is strategy involved in dating.

Friday afternoon I get back from lunch and a phone message is on my work phone. I think it's the eye doctor calling again. When I hear it's BuffaloBoy, I'm happy. I do enjoy his company.

I call BuffaloBoy back and let him ask again about getting together. He suggests going to P-burg to bike the battlefields and then have lunch. "We can make the day of it if we want." BuffaloBoy also mentions the crap date last week and apologizes for being "grumpy and out of sorts." I graciously accept and suggest that it was a bad day all around, and that the two of us should just toss that date away, and start fresh. BuffaloBoy agrees and sounds happy.

BuffaloBoy also flirts with me a bit on the phone....hmmmm.

More to come!

Fireworks...sort of.

Well, the 4th has come and gone and I can honestly say that I had a good one, despite assorted agnst about BuffaloBoy and my slightly off behavior the Saturday before.

Earlier, I had asked him if he would like to join me and some of my friends for the local ball game and fireworks ("Best in town!"). He affirmed and I had Bikeandhike Dave on the line looking for an extra ticket. One was procured and all was well.

Tuesday morning rolled around and the phone rang about 5 till 9 a.m. It's BuffaloBoy. Now, he has called me three times in the early morning. I like that he is comfortable enough to call me early since I'm a morning person, but I truly have NEVER had a boy call me this early this often. Anywho, he is letting me know he is still in North Carolina; he had gone there to meet friends for a bluegrass concert and decided to stay an extra day. Fine. No worries. He says he is heading home and may not make the dinner or even the game.

Arrghh. I sense he is trying to get out of the date and while I'm not suprised, I am disappointed. I enjoy his company and I went to some lengths to get him a ticket. I keep my frustration to myself; I don't want to make too many assumptions. Buffalo says that he will call me when he gets back to town.

Meanwhile, I worked on a sewing project, laundry, talked on the phone with friends, etc. Oh, and a nap of course! I got things ready for the casual cook-out at my house and was all ready. But no phone call from BuffaloBoy. *sigh*

About 4:05 pm, the phone rings again. BuffaloBoy reports that he is still far away, just over the North Carolina border. What? He wasn't that far away, and he's been supposedly driving for the last 7 hours? Well, he reports, he stopped a couple of places, kinda looked around, etc. Hey. Dude. You have a ticket for the ballgame. Again, I think he's making excuses to wiggle out and at this point I've kinda given up. I told him that we were leaving the house for the game at about 6:30 and he could come with us if he was ready.

5:35. The phone rings again. Now, I have to tell you that he IS making an effort. What his motives are, I just can't tell. Anyway, BuffaloBoy reports he is back in town, will take a shower, etc. and be over in about an hour. Yeah. I'm glad he's coming, but still can't shake the feeling that this is less about dating me and just more about hanging out.

Anyway, BuffaloBoy shows up, meets my other friends and we go off to the game and the fireworks. I had a great time, and hope that he had a nice time too. The worry lingers, however, that he might not be all that interested in dating, but rather happy to just be friends. Why? Well, there wasn't any move to hold my hand, kiss me, etc. He treated me nicely, but like a friend. I guess that's all well and good, but I was hoping for something more since I feel some sort of spark and chemistry, which just doesn't happen with every day. I guess I'll see if this coming weekend brings a date or not. That might be the clue.

And so I move forward.....

Puzzling

Well, the long day Saturday date with BuffaloBoy has come and gone. And I'm just not sure what to think.

I had a good time, but don't know how to read him. Sometimes he's flirting and funny, other times quiet and distracted. I do have some clues, however, to his state of mind and I may need to look deeper.

I've found out that he is still carrying some feelings for a long-term woman that he recently (Spring) broke up with. He was up front with this information, but I can tell that it bothers him by how many comments I may hear about this within a conversation. And that's where my nurturning instinct kicked in.

I'm afraid I may have overcompensated on Saturday, trying to be charming and flirtly and super-duper upbeat instead of just my normal self. I'm wondering if I got on his nerves; thinking about how goofy I might have appeared. Arrgghh. Why did I have to do that?

My answer is a simple human one. I like this guy and want to get to know him more. And it's been a while since I've connected with someone and felt some real, bona fide attraction. Combine this with the really nice kiss on Wednesday after dinner at his place, I was thinking--overthinking?-- that this might be something that would have some promise.

What I need to do is go back to all the lessons I've learned over the last 2 years. Be yourself, don't try to make something that isn't there, understand that you won't click or even like everyone, and take things one day at a time, for exactly what they are.

BuffaloBoy and I have tickets for some fireworks for tomorrow night. Currently he's out of town visiting friends at an outdoor concert. So I hope that I hear from him tonight or tomorrow....and that he doesn't cancel. And I move forward....

Hot Tuna

Tonight BuffaloBoy cooked dinner for me at his old, groovy house. I think it was a very big deal for him--he kept saying how he was out of practice for entertaining guests for dinner. I was touched by his nervousness and tried to let him know that whatever dinner was, it was OK with me.

He grilled tuna and veggies and had sauteed fresh spinach with garlic. Yummy! Oh, and he had cold shrimp cocktail for us as an appetizer. He ever pre-peeled it all!

I contributed ice cream (what else?!). All in all, a wonderful evening. *smile*

More later....I must move on to bed. Sweet dreams to all.

A great date

Well, it's Monday and I wanted to report on the date with BuffaloBoy. He phoned on Saturday and asked if it was OK to go out instead of him cooking for me. Um, yeah. Hello. I love to go out.

Of course, with his very casual look on life, I wasn't sure where we would go, or how to dress. After searching the closet and consulting with Twin and Little One on outfits, I decided on a nice pair of short, a feminine knit top and sandals. I dressed it up with a little make-up, pretty earrings and fixed my hair. When he showed up at the door, he had on cargo shorts and a casual shirt. He looked nice, but same as BuffaloBoy...casual. The good news: he has trimmed the facial hair, so I was very happy. I kept thinking about how it would be to kiss him when he was all hairy. It looked nice and neat. Yeah!

We went to a fabulous restaurant in our city....small and personal. One thing about BuffaloBoy: he likes, appreciates and doesn't mind spending for a good meal. Not that I need wining and dining all the time, but it is nice. We had martinis, then mussels in white wine and garlic. Yum. Then a main dish each (duck and lamb!) and a bottle of wine. Now, friends, you know I don't always drink that much, but we were having a great time talking and flirting a bit. And the wine helped!

After a long, relaxing dinner, we came back to my place and talked and watched a little TV. After a while, he said he had to get home. I think we were both a little too tipsy, so he was gentlemanly in his wanting to leave. We kissed (just a little one!) and hugged goodbye. Nice Saturday evening, no doubt about it.

And so, I move on....

Dinner date/Part 2

Well, after another nice phone call with BuffaloBoy, we have another dinner date set for this coming Saturday. Yeah! He is making dinner at his house for me. It will be interesting because it will show me kind of what he lives like and that gives you some insights.

We also talked about a book he is reading about Buddism. Sounded very interesting. I may borrow it in my quest to understand more about what has been going on in my life the last couple of years. And it was interesting to see how thoughful he is about his life.

More later. And so I move on.....

It never rains but it pours

Well, this is a week that has been interesting, to say the least, on the dating scene. Let me start from the beginning.

Early in the week, a nice call from BuffaloBoy. We made a date for later in the week. More update on that to come. Next, a phone call from the Chef. Now, the Chef is someone I dated maybe for a week more than a year ago. A. Year. Ago. But every so often I get a random call from him asking how I am, what I've been doing, who I'm dating. He's not my guy, never was. Nice? Sure. But just not mine. Cute? OK. But still, not mine.

The question is, why does he call me out of the blue? Lonely? Bored? Whatever. In fact, I remember how we stopped dating. I think he broke a date. And once you do that, I get the message. Plus, I wasn't crazy about him, he didn't have a good excuse, he didn't ask to re-schedule when he broke it. So there you go.

Next in the week, Trouble called. Now, I actually enjoy him in very small, very infrequent doses. He's amusing, silly and always wants to go get a Krispy Kreme donut. He is one of the first people I met on my online service. After a few dates, I knew he was not my guy. But we struck up a casual friendship and he has his heart in the right place. He's unreliable, in debt (and TOLD me about it), and extremely self-centered. But amusing, trust me. Anyway, he called wanted to know if I wanted to go the the movies that night. Mind you, he called about 8:30 pm,, wanting company for the 9:20 show. Again, was he bored, lonely? Whatever. Of course, "no," was my reply.

Finally, a call out of the blue from a man I was dating back in Dec, Jan and Feb. (see Thursday, March 23, 2006, "A date and a .38") We had been on and off; first he was acting too serious, then I decided I was still working my way through feelings for the Torch, then we tried to date again, we celebrated Valentine's Day together (nice dinner!), and then all of the sudden he broke a date via email. Strange. I felt bad, since he was a good guy and I worried that he just got a bad deal since The Torch was still haunting me on and off.

So, I hereby name him The Accountant. Anyway, he wanted to tell me that he was thinking of me and thought I was a "quality person." Well....yeah. I knew that. He didn't ask for a date, just wanted to catch up and see if I was open to being friends. Sure. Why not? I left the ball in his court. He can call back and ask for dinner or something if he choses. We left it open; he's heading out of town this week.

Finally, I came home from work on Friday and had a message from BuffaloBoy. He had to postphone our dinner date. That morning, he had gotten a call from his mother asking what time he was coming to visit for the Father's Day weekend. He was very apologetic and wanted a raincheck. Later in the afternoon, we chatted on the phone and he actually called to say hello on Saturday as well. Again, pretty nice guy.

And so I move on....

Things I love

Some things/products I love:

• Wrinkle release spray (can't remember the name)
• Maybelline mousse blush
• Low fat chocolate milk
• Gas-X (don't ask)
• Frosted Mini-wheats
• New bouncy tennis shoes
• Jockey no-line panties (the boy-cut especially)
• McDonald's french fries when they're hot

Saturday night's all right for....

Well, after another terrific conversation with BuffaloBoy last night on the phone, he has asked for another date. We were going to do dinner this week, but with schedules, it seemed the best to do it Saturday night. YEAH!

We talked about him cooking dinner for me at his place, and then about a band playing up north about 30 minutes. I said I was flexible and he could decide after pondering it for a while. He will call Saturday to confirm, etc. I said I'd bring wine (smile!).

It so interesting that after I ranted about not having connections with someone who could really converse, I've got this interesting guy who is willing to talk and really, truly communicate. I mean about feelings, fears, happiness, etc. Ex-husband was intelligent, but would not talk about anything too intimate (not sex; you know what I mean) ever. I think I might know more about what's going on in BuffaloBoy's mind than the 15 years of marriage. How can that be? Age? Experience? Could it be a real sense of himself, and knowing what he values out of life?

Pretty incredible. And so I move forward....

Dinner, rain, tennis and the deck

Sorry for the long gap between postings. I'll have to fill you in, so here goes....

Last Thursday I went out to meet BuffaloBoy for the first time. We had 2 wonderful phone chats and were supposed to meet for lunch. But he changed the plans and said that lunch was "short." We arranged to meet at a nearby restaurant. I was excited but nervous as I had only see one photo of him; it was a winter scene with him wearing a big coat and hat.

To make a long story short as possible, he is very cute in a granola-mountain man-grown-up grad student sort of way. Nice eyes, shaved head, and a bit of a scruffy beard and moustache. I personally would like the face hair trimmed a bit. He is nice, funny, articulate, thoughtful, smart and interesting. He likes art, music, books, movies. We had a great evening including dinner, a walk and a drink. It went very well, and at the end he asked for another date.

Since the weekend was kinda busy for both of us, we decided on a game of tennis on Sunday. BuffaloBoy arrived looking like a casual hiker ready to play tennis. We had a wonderful time, laughing and chasing tennis balls. After that, he suggested breakfast, but I offered to cook at home instead. Once again, terrific conversation. I'm really tickled that I've found someone that I have a connection with. Will this turn romantic? I'm not sure yet. I'm trying to take my time and just enjoy the moments.

And at the end of the Sunday meeting, BuffaloBoy asked if he could make me dinner this week. We talked about which evening was better and he said that he would call to arrange a date. Pretty nice. And so I move forward....

Ma Bell

Well, had a GREAT conversation with BuffaloBoy last evening. We talked for about 90 minutes and hit some great topics. It seems that we are on the same page on a lot of things. Art, music, food, being active, baggage at the age of 45, etc.

Happily, he made a lunch date for Thursday. While I'm trying not to get too excited, I'm really happy. Seems like it's been a while since I talked with someone who I clicked with so nicely.

And no weird comments either!

So, I move on toward Thursday.....

An open letter to Brad Pitt

Dear Brad:

Let me first congratulate you on the birth of your new daughter. While I'm not a parent, I can only imagine the joy of welcoming a new child into the world.

What I'd really like to talk to you about is your relationship with Angelina Jolie. As a 45 year-old divorced woman, I have lots of thoughts about relationships and getting into something 'way too fast. I mean, you only divorced Jennifer Aniston last year. And already you have a daughter with someone else?

Now, I'm not a prude. I understand that people have children out of wedlock all the time. My concerns lie in the fact that you both seemed to jump into this relationship a little fast. You met on a movie set, remember? That can't be a real world situation. Did you sit down and talk about how you were going to manage your finances? What about your dreams and fears? Did you talk about who was going to discipline the children? Or who was responsible for the dishes?

Did you both think back on previous relationships and look for the patterns and lessons that were there? Have you talked about what makes a good relationship to you and are you both on the same page? Did you wonder about what has made Angelina jump from man to man? Have you thought about how she said how much she was into BillyBob, then said the same things about you?

All of this comes from my experiences, thoughts and (hopefully) gained wisdom over the last 2 years. While I've enjoyed dating, and certainly most of my time with The Torch, I have also taken the time to think about what I might need to change in myself, what I should look out for a new partner, what I deserve. I'm looking for the right person for the long haul, not just someone who lights my fire in a superficial (read: sex) way. Someone who can share hopes and dreams. And someone who can interest me emotionally, intellectually and physically.

If Angelina does all this for you, my blessings to you. However, my thoughts are that you both should have taken some time to explore lessons from the last few years.

Best wishes,
Sassy

Potential and the Torch

Well, a new date this week. Or so I hope.
I've been emailing a nice gentleman from my online site. Let's call him BuffaloBoy. This is the "nice guy" from my last post.

I got a note asking about a lunch or cup of coffee and I replied in kind. So tonight we are going to chat on the phone for the first time.

I've been through this long enough to know that I shouldn't get too excited about anything. While things sounds good, that darned elusive chemistry is just not in my hands. I shall try to be my best, and remember that if that's not good enough, then he isn't my guy.

On another hand this last week, I have been thinking way too much about The Torch. I even had to go back in my journal to realize why I broke it off with him last fall and again this spring. I think the stressful week, combined with the lack of really quality dating, was making me miss him. He was very fun, very interesting, very sweet. But also not on the same page in the book of love as I am.

Also helpful was an article I found on Mr. Unavailable, a very useful blog. To sum it up, it points out that there are a lot of men out there who are unavailable for a myriad of reasons. And I need to remember that The Torch, for whatever reason, is not available to me. *sigh*

And so I move forward.....

nice guy

Got a nice email from a nice guy on my online dating site. I was intrigued by his very optimistic outlook on life and his feeling that his friends are a blessing to his life.

Sounds a lot like me, does it not?

He is out of town on vacation, then going to a concert out of town, so I might not hear from him for a few days. But at least I know this and won't think that he is one of those guys with no manners. I don't mind hearing that someone isn't interested, but I think one should take the time to tell the other person.

I'll keep you informed....

Are manners outdated?

On my online dating service, there is a way to say "no thanks" to an email. If I send an email to someone and they are not interested, why do they not take the 1.5 second and push that button? Common courtesy. I extend the same to the gentlemen that I am not interested in. These boys better go back to Etiquette 101.

Things people say

Since I let all of you know about the very rude date asking a very personal question the other night, here are some of the other gems I have heard on either a first date/meeting, or even a first phone call. And let me just say....yikes!

"I'm ADD and never read anything." (great. I've been emailing you for the last month)
"Do you shave?" (I'm sure he did NOT mean my legs)
"Would you like a foot massage?" (I've heard that twice!)
"My ex wife is probably my best friend." (um, right)
"I don't really have time to date." (what are you doing then?)
"Can you buy me a beer?" (um, you asked for this date)

People, please. We are adults here. Let's chat about common courtesy. I know that small talk isn't easy for everyone, but goodness!

And so I move forward.....

Pardon me?

When did men start to say anything that came to their minds? Really. Last week on a blind online date, the guy asked about my former marriage. I told him that my husband didn't want to be married any more. I think it's best not to drag all that baggage out on the FIRST MEETING.

He pressed further, and I said that I believed my husband had a girlfriend while married to me. THEN he had the gall to ask, and I quote, "well, how was your sex life when you were married?"

Huh? What? *Sassy puts finger in ear to wiggle out any debris that might have caused her to hear that incorrectly.*

I replied, as ladylike as I could, that it was none of his business. THEN he proceeded to get all pouty like I was keeping something from him.

Oh, brother! Does no one have respect for another person? Literally, I am a stranger to this man. We have emailed a few time, talked on the phone and met for one small glass of wine.

Un. Bee. Leave. Able.

And so I move on......

Editor in charge

Well, I've decided to change out my profile on my main dating online service. I wanted to cut through the clutter of "walking on the beach" crap, so I went for much morespecific. The reason? I am not getting as many "hits" lately and if I do, they are just not my guys. I was talking to Shiny Penny the other day and she had a wonderful piece of advice for me. When she found herself single again and was lamenting the dearth of men to date, her mother said, "It only takes one."

I like that. I'm looking for the right one. As Dr. Phil says, not Mr. Right Now, but Mr. Right. I have to accept that it will take some time to do it right and I deserve a fabulous relationship that fills everything I need.

I've also removed some of my old photos that have been there a while. One is even from almost 2.5 years ago. I need to tell how I look today.

I'll let you know how it goes. And so I move forward....

Slow. But OK.

Not too much for dating these days. I actually hid myself on one of my dating sites. I just feel like I am not finding the right people. I've had this thought that I want to concentrate on quality. And that tends to narrow the field.

I've been doing a lot of thinking of what I want and while some people would percieve this as picky, I think it's OK to have standards. I've seen too many examples of women (and men) settling for going out with someone because they aren't comfortable being alone and single. Friend R is an example. This person is dating someone who already has a significant other (no marriage). R keeps dating, even though the date isn't making any move to get away from the S.O. Yet R stays in there, frustrated, only getting part of a real relationship. And I just think people (including myself) deserve more than that.

I mean, I wouldn't wear shoes if they hurt my feet. OK, maybe I would. Another example: I wouldn't keep around a toaster that never did my toast right. I'd move on.

*sigh*

OK, now for the recent updates. No word at all from Blue Eyes. Too bad, but I have to remember that means that he is just not the one. Had a blind on-line meeting this week. This was Gold Chain. Nice, but too old (51) for me. I need someone more young and more hip. Is that weird? Do you believe that he asked me, on our first MEETING, if I wanted to go to the shore with him for the Memorial Day weekend. "Uh, no." I hardly know him. What was he thinking? And so I move on....

Puh-leeze

You're a 51 year man. Please do not wear a gold chain. You're not on The Sopranos. You're not a disco king. You're not John Travolta. And you're not 25. It does not hold a religious charm. It's not a gift from your wife. Or your kids.

Take it off. Now.

Thank you.

What to do, Blue Eyes?

Blue Eyes has emailed and said that he would like to see me again, but things are busy in his life. He apologized to me. I did run into him last Sunday (he told me where he was going to be in the afternoon). After that, he emailed to say hello, but no date.

Usually I would let this go, but for some reason I'm intrigued. He's cute, fun and smart. I would very much like another date with him. If there is something going on in his life that's preventing him from dating me, I can't do much about it.

I feel there are two sides to this: one, he's just not that into me and making excuses. Look, he's not making dates with me. On the other hand, he keeps leaving the door open when he clearly doesn't owe me anything.

I believe my plan now is to just keep a casual dialog open. Perhaps if I keep hearing from him, I'll suggest getting together and see how he reacts. *sigh* It's not often I find someone who I enjoy as much. I guess it's just a chemistry thing, but they are few and far between.

And so I go on....

Goodbye blue-collar guy

Well, it's good bye to Blue Collar Guy. Met through my online service. He was a sweet, nice man, but not for me. We met twice after some emails and phone calls. He was definitely different from my regular dates because of his background, job, upbringing, etc. But I did like that he was very nice and complimentary. Yet, he was almost too much too fast. He wanted a relationship right off the bat. And I just wasn't that into him.

Plus, he was pouting when I said that I was dating others while I dated (2 meetings!) him. That's a sign, ladies. And I move forward.....

Why?

Why is it that the people you really like just aren't into you, while the ones you really aren't crazy about tend to get all wild about you? Where is that sweet spot?

Decisions about The Torch

Without going into too much detail, I heard some news this week that made me The Torch and how I've worked to resolve some things about that relationship.

This man is still very important to me, but the information that I heard this past week simply confirms that I made the right, although very, very hard decision to stop contact with him. My thoughts have been all along that he needs to finish and confront some things in his past relationships. Without this, which he isn't able/isn't ready to do, will stop him from a healther partnership, I believe. I could be a super-model nuclear professor and he still would have the block and not be able to have a relationship with me.

*sigh* I think so much of him as a person. He's funny, smart, interesting, sensitive. If he could move past these old issues, I believe he would find himself a happier, healthier person. Hence the reason I had to move on. Hard, but healthier for me.

My thoughts are with you, Torch. Even if it isn't with me, I wish you the best in untangling whatever it is.

And I move forward....

Another day, another date

Well, I'm meeting a new gentleman tomorrow evening. I've chatted on the phone, but we've never met. It will be our first meeting. I'm just not sure. Nothing big, it's just that he may not be like the guys I'm usually attracted to. We are going to have a drink after work. He seems sweet. We'll see. And so I go on.....

S-P-E-L-L

It's constantly amazing to me how many of the men that I email through my on-line service who can't/won't spell correctly. Oh, I know. Some people just aren't email people. Some people don't type that well. But come on! Most of these men got out of college; some have grad degrees. Yet they don't correctly use the difference between "you're" and "your." Isn't that fundamental? And don't they look over an email before they send it?

I will admit that I'm not always the perfect speller or typist. Even as a writer, my brain sometimes goes faster than my fingers. So I understand the occasional spelling mistake. But a full email to someone that you might be trying to impress? Put on the thinking cap, boys!

On other news, got a nice, but somewhat nebulous email from Blue Eyes. He asked if I had any plans this coming weekend. Is that an invite to a date? I wrote him back that I had some free time, so we'll see what happens next.

And there's a new person in play. We've had some nice phone calls, but I'm not sure. And I've learned that if my gut is questioning things, I need to pay attention. Nothing big or bad, just things that make me think he's not a total match for me. But as Best Friend T says, "it's just a glass of wine/cup of coffee." And so I move forward....

Sassy wins in a cage match!

Well, had a lunch date with the psychologist today. Not so good. As I walked into the restaurant, I looked around. We have traded photos, so I thought I would recognize him. Finally, I hear someone call my name. I look over and there is a very, very small man. Not a "little person," but a very small man. As my friends know, I'm not that tall. But I could have taken this man in a cage match.

His shoulders were smaller than mine. His waist was smaller, his thighs were smaller. Gulp! Let me just say right now that when somthing like this happens, your mind races. What to say? Try not to stare. How could this happen? I guess I didn't look at the height in the profile. Why would I need to see that? I'm a small woman. EVERYONE is taller than me. Even 14 yr old nephews.

And actually, he was a nice guy, and not bad looking. But small. It's not gonna happen people. Nope. I have to be honest. There's a lid for every pot as my sister says, but he wasn't mine.

Now the sticky part. I've already gotten an email thanking me for meeting at lunch, and "hoping we can get together soon." Grr. I'm gonna have to let him know it's not a match. I hate rejecting people, because I'm been on the other side. But it's better to do it now, instead of later.

Oh, and to top it all off, he didn't pay for my lunch. He was the one who suggested lunch and suggested the place. Now, I usually offer to pay once, so my date knows I'm not some spoiled princess. But he actually said, "OK." Not a good way to make an impression. Hey, we're in our mid-40s. You can spring for an $8 lunch, right?

Speaking of this, I liked the way Blue Eyes handled the lunch check. Again, he was the one to extend the invite and he was the one who chose the restaurant. When the check came, I made my offer. Blue Eyes said that he invited me and he would pay. And that perhaps next time I could buy. Nice. Perfect. Works for me. And so, I move on.....

Email and lunch

Well, today I finally get to meet the psychologist. Lunch is scheduled today at a small Thai place. Now, for my friends who know me, I don't always do Thai, but it seemed rude to ask for another location. So I'll be cautious in my ordering. I really don't know what this will be like. And as outgoing as I am, I always have a few small (but cute) butterflys in my tummy.

And I got a nice email from Blue Eyes. Sounded like he enjoyed the date, but another one is not scheduled. We'll see what happens.

There's the whole thing again about not wanting to appear too eager. Do guys really have a 3 day rule? And so, I go forward....

A hat

Oh, and to the date I had about a month ago. Wearing a baseball hat into a restaurant doesn't work for me. You are a grown man. You are supposed to be making a good first impression. And I'll find out eventually that you're losing your hair. It's OK. Really. Just don't wear a hat on a first date...unless we go to a ballgame. Thanks.

Success (somewhat)

Last Friday night saw me on a second date with Blue Eyes. We met through one of my onlines services and had our first date on Wednesday. Lunch is a nice way to start. It's a finite time, not a huge investment of time or money. During the date, we were talking about a concert coming up. He mentioned that he was going with some family members (he's the one from the BIG family) and that there might be an extra ticket.

I wanted to take the low-key approach, so I said if there was an extra ticket that it was meant to be, and that if there wasn't, then that was cool too. About 60 minutes after the lunch date, he called and left a message that there was an extra ticket and he would like to take me to the concert.

As Friday approached, we made our plans. He picked me up at the house, we had a quick drink here with some great Parmeasan crisps. (Thanks for the idea, Mom!). We then went to his brother's house to meet up with him, his wife and two of their children. Nice people all. I'm not sure who was the braver, Blue Eyes for taking a new "date" with family involved, or me for going. Oh, have I mentioned that we were meeting another sister and her husband. And at the end of the concert, we actually ran into ANOTHER sister. Whew!

The concert was wonderful and we all had a good time. Blue Eyes is somewhat quieter than some people I might be attracted to, but he's funny and sweet. I enjoyed his company and hope that he enjoyed mine. He brought me home after a couple of drinks after the concert (with the family gang) and walked me to the door. Nice manners. Big plus to me. And yes, there was a little kiss. Enough to be interesting, not enough to gauge much.

The question now is: how do you look interested without seeming desparate? This is a tough spot for me. I don't like waiting. I'm a woman of action. But through my dating experiences, it seems right to let the gentleman make the next move to another date. So we'll see if I hear from him. And I'll let you know.....

Bitter sweet dreams

The Torch was in my dreams last night. I know this all will take time, and I know that time takes time, but come on!

A shade of grey

Is it weird that I am attracted to grey hair on men? Of course, I hate my own and "enhance" my color, but for some reason, on a man it is sexy. Strange but true.

Never rains, but it pours

Well, after a week or two with no date, I have TWO this week. Tomorrow is a lunch date with a new online gentleman. He is from a big family and that attracted me to his profile. I think one of the lessons I've learned is that the person I will eventually be with will be very family oriented and appreciated my family and my relationship with them. And I think it says a LOT about how someone's family dynamics work. Case in point: my ex-father-in-law did not take the time to come to our wedding. Nice guy, huh? I should have seen that clue, but the dress was gorgeous (thanks Mom) and I looked good in it....

My other hopeful date is the psychologist. We have been continuing to email and I expect he'll call this week for a face to face meeting. As I've mentioned, he's 51, so I'm nervous about the age difference, but he seems like a really good guy. Is it a match, though?

Not too much else to tell right now. Hopefully, some good stories will come out of this week. Until then....

Two-fer

To all that have notice I haven't blogged recently...so sorry. Things in the dating world have actually been slow. I feel like with the weather changing and me being much more thoughtful about my dating life, I've quieted down. But never fear, I've got a new prospect to talk about.

I met this gentleman through one of my online services. He is a psychologist, so I figure I can get a date and therapy all in the same evening! Actually, we have only been emailing and talked on the phone once. He seems nice, but as my dating audience knows, it's the in person, chemistry thing that is so important. And no matter who the online service advertises ("Find the love of your life with our super-duper quiz"), you just can't predict or pinpoint the matters of the heart.

We will talk again I believe, and set up an in-person meeting. You would think that with all the online first dates I've been on, I'd be a pro at it. But I'm always a little nervous. The personal rejection thing is hard to wrap your arms around. I've learned not to take anything personally. If they don't want to see me again, they're not my guy. I am optimistic enough to believe the right person is out there for me. And I'm settling for Mr. Right Now. I'm searching for Mr. Right.

That being said, I do like the online way to meet people. I'm not a bar girl and my office environment is rather small. So, to the keyboard I go.

Happy holidays (Easter, Passover) to all my friends and family. And so it goes....

Searching

So last night's wine date was OK. Yep, just OK. Not bad. Not good. Not funny. Just there.

Now, you know I don't talk bad about any date. But I do tell when they are dull, dopey or just plain strange. This gentleman can't even fall into any of these characteristics. We had not one shred of anything in common except that we are both in our 40s and both single. Nothing after that.

Different activities. Different views on family. Different views on reading. OK, you get my drift.

But where, oh, where are the interesting men? The ones who have something to say. Something they believe in. Oy vey, my same old song. Enough already.

Tonight I am attending FirstFridays, an artwalk in our arts district. Supposed to be a fun scene with lots of people watching. My wingwoman will be be the lovely L. We plan on seeing some people, seeing some art and then grabbing a bit of dinner. I'll let you know how it goes.....

Wine date

Tonight after tennis, I am meeting a gentleman for a glass of wine. Met him on my online service. Not sure if it's even worth it, but it's just a glass of wine. And since I've heard it only takes one guy to make you happy, might as well get out there and see if he's the one. More later. Until then, have a great day.

Lean Cuisine or Lean Conversation?

D called last night. He's one of the first guys from the online service I met. Gosh, hard to believe that was 18 months ago. Nice enough guy. But he tends to talk about himself all the time. And I mean ALL the time. Check this out:

When I first met him he actually told me how much debt he had. Huh? That's something to be proud of? He's almost 50 years old, didn't own a home, and was up to his eyeballs in credit card bills. Like this is attractive to me. And how did he get like this? Partying. No, thanks. Next!

He also loves to tell me how much money he's making. Again I respond, "huh?" First, my MOM doesn't know how much money I make. Let alone a stranger you met online. Yes, folks, he told me all of this within the first or second time we got together.

Now, I enjoy D's company. In small doses. He's funny, entertaining, tells good stories. Between him talking about himself, that is. Last evening he gave me a full inventory of new furniture he's purchased. (Debt, people, debt) He also wanted to tell me about his car (the German engineered thing), his plans for a new house, his plans for work, etc. Yikes!

So again, I'm back to the question of conversation. Had D read a paper? Can he talk about city politics, movies, music? Does he have an opinion about the world? And can he hold a conversation with me?

Perhaps we have the clue to why he is single. At this age group, looks are nice, but I'm searching for intellectual stimulation as well. Someone who can interest me and engage me. Not someone who I want to hang up on so I can get back to my Cheese Stuffed Shells by Lean Cuisine. And so I grab my fork and move on.....

Easy Reader

The other day I was skimming the paper and noticed an announcement of a "Singles Book Swap" at a locally owned bookstore. I love to read, love books and love to discuss books. Perfect for me, I thought. But what to swap?

As I looked over my bookshelves I saw a lot of books my former husband left without taking. Should I take some of those to get them out of my house? They say nothing about me; they aren't books I read and loved. But they were books I wanted to get rid of. So I concocted a story. "I'm cleaning out books from friends and relatives." Sounded plausible, right?

As I drive over there on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon, I wonder what I am doing. I've got no wingman, I'm totally solo. What if there is no one there? What if I'm the only normal person? What if I see a room of scary people?

What was wrong with me? My usual courage and enjoyment of meeting new people had somehow flown out the window. Time for a call to best friend T. As I'm driving and talking, she is pointing out that it's OK to be nervous, that I might meet some cool people, that she would go with me if she could. Nothing like a friend to remind you that all is well.

I drive past the book store and it looks like there's no one there. What is I'm the only one there? What if I'm the only loser in this whole town who is going inside on such a gorgeous Spring day? Where is my courage?

I actually drive past, make a trip to Target instead. (On an up note, I got the coolest sunglasses which my sister will be totally jealous over.)

After spending some money at the mecca, I go back to the bookstore. What's to lose? 15 minutes of my day, right? Inside I walk. A very cool bookstore. Just the kind I like. Lots of books crammed everywhere, stacked on the floor, put into cubbyholes. The woman in charge came over and told me how the swap works. You take your books and a slip of paper and put your name on them, with a phone and any comments about the book. Place them on the table. Then you can take as many books from the table as the number of books you brought. Bring in 5, take out 5.

At the table was a nice young guy. About 35 maybe. He was polite enough and I tried to engage some conversation.

Me: What are you reading now?
Him: Oh, nothing right now.
Me: Is there anything you're recommending to your friends?
Him: Well, I just finished "In Cold Blood."
Me: Have you seen the movie? I loved it.
Him: No.

And so on. Not the easiest conversation. Is it that people are just not curious? That people have lost the art of polite conversation with a stranger? He is there for a Singles Book Swap. You would think he'd be ready for conversation. Even if it's someone out of their "target range." Have we lost the art of talking to one another in person?

More and more as I look at what I'd like from a partner/relationship/friend is someone who enjoys talking. Likes exchanging opinions. Who can dish the gossip (harmless gossip only) as well as discuss current events. Someone who can make an evening fly by, leaving you wanting more.

Is there anyone out there?

At the end, I got 2 cool books, one of which I almost purchased at the BIG bookstore a couple of days ago. And I ordered another book from the very cool owner lady. All in all, an OK way to spend some time on a gorgeous afternoon.

And so I go on.....

Put your feet in the stirrups, please

Some friends may recall this dating story from a year or so ago, but I thought it would be fun to record it for posterity. It involves a first date, drinks and an episiotomy. Thankfully, only the date and the drinks are mine.

I met this gentleman online in one of the dating sites, and after a bit of correspondence and chat via telephone, we decided to meet for a drink after work. I arrive, my usual, bubbly self, ready to smile and chat and see if any chemistry is there. Now, those who have dating off the websites know that this is a hit-or-miss proposition, as all dating tends to be. But my wonderful friend T and I have a “hey, it’s just coffee attitude.” Worst case, it’s an hour out of your day and you get a cocktail or coffee in the mix.

The gentleman and I actually meet in the parking lot, having recognized each other from pictures that were swapped. He looks a tad older than I expected, but I’m there and game. [Aside: I’m learning in the mid-40s group, you have either aged fairly well or you look really old. I think I’m looking good for my age even with a few new wrinkles, grey hair and experience on my face and body. Some of the men….whew!]

We sit down and order a cold drink. As you recall I like to chat and to tell, and listen to, stories. We exchange information about the usual; how dating is going, how was the workday, families, etc. He’s doing OK, but I do find out that this is his FIRST DATE since his divorce. I can accept that…everyone has to have a first date. Then, the story started.

It seems that he has decided that his story tonight involves the birth of his son and his then-wife’s labor. He is off to a roaring start, and I, frankly, can’t get a word in edgewise. He rolls on through going to the hospital, talking to the doctors, and then he gets to the nitty-gritty. He actually mentions the words “wife,” “stirrups,” and “episiotomy” on a FIRST DATE! Wow, thanks for the visual as I’m working on a drink and contemplating ordering a little appetizer. This easily goes on for about 40 minutes. No kidding.

Gentlemen everywhere, this isn’t a position that ANY woman feels comfortable in. We don’t like being in the stirrups for any reason, even the birth of a long-awaited baby. Not. Good. Date. Conversation.

I’m thinking perhaps I should do a “Comments Card” at the end of some dates. I think some guys are clueless and they just need a little help. Could I be a “Dating Coach” for men out there? (Reference the movie “Hitch” with that hottie Will Smith.)

Needless to say, that was the only date with this man. And I move forward….

Do you know?

Since I've decided to be more active about finding someone to share my life with, I've been asking almost everyone I know if they have anyone for me. [theory: you spend lots of time looking for the perfect job, awesome shoes or picking out yogurt. The least you can do it devote time to looking for a quality partner.]

I usually just say: someone who is around 45, nice, non-smoking. But I think I need to work on making my choice really the best. And that means looking a real traits, qualities and virtues that are important to me. So in the next day or so, I'm going to work on a really good list. More to come......

Bar none

Out for a drink with friend K after work. I'm not a "bar" girl by any stretch, but I feel like I need to get out and about. Where to go is the question..... I'm going to bring K up to speed on lots of things, and we can trade secrets. Even though she's married, I still think she had good advice for us dating girls. Cheers!

Cereal, paper towels and one date, please

My most-hated chore of all time is going to the grocery store. I invariably end up forgetting something I really need (Tide!), buy stuff that isn’t really food, and feel like I waste both time and money in one fell swoop.

Now, one of the theories of dating is to look for the “fate-date.” That’s meeting someone at random, striking up a conversation, exchanging numbers. Has never happened to me since I’ve been dating recently and I can’t remember if it ever happened to me when I was single in my 20s.

So when I was at the grocery store last night, I thought, “Hey, what an opportunity to make this more fun and practice my “fate-date” flirting.” I looked around as I started in the produce section. Older ladies, couples, young college people. No one in my category. I turned down the main back aisle, keeping my eye on the list and my eye out for guys. Soon I saw someone who at least looked around my age bracket and was a male. Then things started getting dicey.

Since I live in the city, there are lots of different people that I run into. Some tall, some short. Some married, some not. Some straight, some gay. And usually I can discern which is which. But all of the sudden at the grocery store my radar is failing me. I feel like I’ve dropped into a world where not only am I going to angst over this Soft Scrub to buy (there are about 14 versions!), but I can no longer decide who I should flirt with. Arrgghh.

After the cereal aisle, I make the decision. Tonight is not the night for me. Get the goods, get home. So I trundle up to check-out #5 and there, in front of me is a male species. I decide to work on my flirting techniques anyway. If he’s gay, it will give him a chuckle. And if he’s straight, it’ll give me some practice.

Me: From the looks of your groceries, I should come and eat dinner at your house.
Him: This isn’t just for dinner, it’s for the whole week.
Me: Looks like you’ll be going through a lot of paper products this week too.
Him: Can’t have too much paper.

Thunk. My flirting wasn’t much, but it was a start. Dude, give me a little bit here. I’m trying to flirt with you. Please help me. OK, maybe it wasn’t the wittiest repartee, but you could have at least smiled.

Next week, maybe the video store…..

The torch

The torch I've been holding for someone may be slightly fading. It's actually hard work to carry something that heavy around.

A date and a .38

Looking back, it was a strange date. I got in the car and there was a handgun there. Now, if you know me, I'm super-anti-gun. I don't believe in them in any case. My family doesn't believe in them. My siblings wouldn't give their boy children even toy guns to play with. So, you can imagine my surprise.

This man was legally carrying, so don't get any ideas. He did work for the Feds, in a roundabout sort of way. And serious people weren't happy with him. But still, could you put the gun away when you come to pick up your date? And throwing it (really!) into the back seat doesn't count. Well, I'm worried, but he assures me that he knows how to use it and has just been practicing. Goody.

My angst increased when we went to park the car at the shopping area we were visiting. I live in the city, so even though we are in a "nice area," a block or two away perhaps, shall we say, wasn't as charming. I imagine the Eurocar being broken into (bad enough since it was a really nice car) and the gun being taken. An evening with the police. Lovely thought.

As usual, my creative juices run away with ideas, but in the end nothing like that happened. It was a nice date, with art galleries mixed with a movie, topped with a fine dinner. I am no longer dating this man, but that's for another day. And so it goes.....

Goodbye, friend

As I was filing papers tonight, I came across the paperwork for my beloved cat. I had to put him to sleep last week. He was a real sweetie and some nights, especially right after my husband left, was my only friend. Talk about unconditional love.

Coffee talk. Or not.

Last weekend I had a blind coffee date. Set up by someone I know who knows someone who knows someone. Whatever. I believe that at this time, it's a numbers game. Dating now at 45 is not like dating at 25. There's not gangs of people out there looking for a partner. Or maybe there are, and I'm just not in one of them. I'm not a "bar girl." So that's out. And while I have enjoyed online dating (more on that later), I still am up for the old set-up.

This man was nice. Really. And not bad to look at. But I'm not sure how long he has been dating since his divorce. He invited me to meet at a local coffee shop. Cool. One hour, you're in, you're out. We get there, introduce ourselves and sit down. Now, you would think that he would offer to get me a coffee. I'm not a greedy girl, mind you. But dude, you asked me to meet at a coffee shop!

We get to talking and things are going, well, medium. For those who know me, I like to chat. Talk. Visit. I also like a conversation. A discussion. A give and take of ideas and discussions. And this poor guy looked like a deer in headlights. So I hold up my end and his end of the conversation. And frankly, that gets a little tiring. Where are the guys who have something to say? Current events? City politics? Movies? Come on, people!

At the end (luckily I had an appointment at my neighborhood salon to get to), he thanked me for a great conversation and says, "I usually can't string two sentences together." Oh, well. Nice guy. Hope he finds someone that's right for him. No big deal. Hour out of my life. And I move forward.....

Drinks with Liz

Good evening and welcome to my blog. It's a light-hearted look at dating at 45. Thanks to the cool, beautiful Liz H. for helping me set this up.

So, about me: I'm a 45 yr old woman working to navigate to dating scene in the year 2006. And what stories I have to tell.