Short or long?

Yesterday I was speaking to a work associate and she asked how long I had been single. When I answered, "3+ years," she said, "oh, that isn't that long."

As I was thinking about that this morning, I wondered if it felt long or short to me. My conclusion? Depends on the day. However, it got me to start thinking about all the things I've done and experienced.

• taught classes at the local university.
• been laid off of work twice (typical for advertising agencies)
• started my own little freelance business twice
• taken lessons at the local art co-op
• been to Italy with the Wingwoman
• had a few parties
• had a few bottles of wine
• remodeled my kitchen
• been on lots of dates; some wonderful, some not so much
• fallen in love twice
• had my heart bruised twice
• met a variety of men and women from many different walks of life
• bruised a few hearts or a least some egos
• had a surprise birthday party given for me
• learned a lot about myself, including how strong I am
• biked 20 miles on one ride
• hiked more than 7 miles in one afternoon

And that's just what I can think of right now! As I look at this list, I'm amazed and grateful.
And so I move on....

Giving thanks

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family and some birthday celebrating with friends, I thought that this time of year is a good time to reflect and give thanks for all I have.

During the last three and half years of being single, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and I'm truly grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to meet different people, male and female, from a variety of walks of life. I've had people who have helped me along the way with friendship, wisdom and guidance. I've learned about relationships and love both lost and found. I've discovered my inner strength and what is truly important to me.

These lessons are gifts and I thank everyone for them.

Wingwoman and Best Friend T: how can I thank you for all the advice, laughter, silliness and strength you have given me?
Torch: you taught me how to be single, make a community from friends, and that I could date again
D&D: your relationship is a wonderful study on how things can be done in face of differences
Social Worker: you have taught me that my heart can be open again, even if it might get bruised along the way
Pilot: your boundless friendship is a gift

And for all the others too numerous to mention, I thank you for the bottom of my heart.

And so I move on.....

Special visitor

Today I saw an old friend from Minneapolis. It's been about 9.5 years since we've seen each and she looks wonderful! Just the same. She and her husband were visiting his relatives a few hours away and made the drive just to see me. The sad part is that it seemed so comfortable seeing her that it was hard to believe she isn't just around the corner.

She and he have a lovely story. Neither had ever married until they were in their early 40s. They met and have a really strong, wonderful relationship. I've learned from her that you shouldn't settle. The right person is out there somewhere. Now if I can remember that!

Anyway, thanks to her and her sweet husband for coming all this way just to have a quick lunch and visit. I'm so blessed with my friends and hope they feel the same. I miss you already!

And so I move on.....

Too much vanilla

I had a couple of days left on one of my online dating sites after the break-up with SW, so I decided to "show" my profile for the last couple of days and see what happened.

I got a wink and then a nice email from a guy I'll call The Agent. While his photos were just regular-joe photos, his emails were nice and intelligent. So when he offered to meet for lunch early this week, I said yes.

We got to the restaurant and had a nice, friendly time. But there was no interest on my part. He was vanilla, middle of the road, melba toast. Just nothing sparked me at all. Of course, I was polite and nice. He seems to be a good guy and was easy to talk to. But again, none of that elusive chemistry.

At the end of the lunch, I offered to pay for my lunch as I usually do. This is a courtesy to the date, especially if he's not interested. He welcomed my offer and I thought that this was a sign that he felt the same....no real connection there. We walked out, parted ways and went into the sunset.

Strangely, he called the other night to just check in and say hello. He didn't ask for a date and didn't stay on the phone long. Really interesting. Anyway, I've decided that if he calls or emails again, I'll have to let him know up front that I would rather move on and keep looking. Politely and nicely of course.

And so I move on.....

Finding balance

After the last conversation, the phone has been quiet and I'm glad for it. So I'm taking this time to look at all my behaviors, my goals, my process. I know that I want to find a partner, perhaps someone to marry, but I'm learning and growing and understanding that this is a process that I just can't control.

With the SW, I leapt in even with some "deal-breakers" right in front of me. I need to remember that I've labeled things deal breakers for a reason, and I need to stay true to myself. While I think it's good for me to keep dating and meeting people, I wat to make sure that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I want to think about what I want and concentrate on taking nothing less.

And so I move on.....

The end

Well, after another conversation with the SW last evening, I'm declaring the relationship officially over. I kept hoping that things would smooth over and we could find a way to repair something, but it's just not meant to be. I'm getting mixed messages all over the place and think it's high time that I stop letting him affect me this way. I'm not going to change some fundamental things about me, and his situation and responsibilities won't either.

I'm philosophical about this relationship and will look for the lessons here. And in the future (months and months from now), perhaps we can be friends.

And so I move on...

One more

After last Wednesday's call I thought that SW wouldn't check in again for a while. After all, I had pressed about the break up and he has shown lately how much he wants to shy away from that conversation.

However, Thursday afternoon the phone rang and it was him. I actually laughed and told him that he constantly surprised me. He asked why and I answered that because after the last conversation I thought it would be a while before we talked again. We continued to have a fun, light conversation with him making slight reference to us seeing each other in November. This is because his second job will slow down in that month. I told him that I was not holding my breath. Again, we hung up friendly and casual.

The confusion about this still lingers, but I'm trying to just go with the flow. One friend believes that SW likes the chase and then when reality hits, he leaves. Another thinks that he can't commit to stay, but he can't commit to actually leave either.

Me? I just think he's a man who has a ton on his plate and wants to have a relationship, but just can't seem to make it work right now in his llife. I do believe we have a strong connection, but I also know intellectually that all his obligations and responsibilities make this a relationship that would be tough sledding.

And so I move on....

Not quite finished

During the past 10 days or so, I've been working to find closure, understanding and peace about the SW and I breaking it off. I'm trying to really listen and observe actions and not make things more wonderful than they are.

To that end, I've written some letters to SW just to clear my mind. Of course, they find the trash quickly, but it's good therapy for someone who is a writer by trade.

Then Monday afternoon, the phone rang and it was the SW. He called in a chatty mood. He had a bad day at work; one of the students in his school had died over the weekend. He had worked with the young lady and her family for about a year. I believe that he wanted just to talk and to just have someone listen. I made a conscious decision not to talk about our situation, just to be a friend. We hung up after a friendly chat with no promises or accusations.

Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang again. (We often talked early in the morning when he was making his 45 minute commute.) It started out as a friendly chat, a continuation of the afternoon before. But I decided that if he could reach out, I needed to clear the air about how I have been feeling. So I dove right in, with respect of course, and asked what had happened. I didn't get a really solid answer, more waffling, but at least I started the conversation.

I think that to stay true to me, I need to ask these tough questions. He's been avoiding things like an 18-yr-old, and I think that he needs to honor the relationship we did have, something he pushed with the "I love you" so early and often.

SW actually called again that morning, to "finish" the conversation. While I don't think it's all quite finished yet, I'm finding a good balance between letting him know that my feelings are valid and trying to understand his feelings and that whatever happened probably was more on him and his issues than anything I can control.

And so I move on.

Cruel to be kind?

Well, another weekend has passed and I'm still working to get over the SW. The last phone call I had was last Wednesday morning and I thought, once again from his comments, that we would stay friends and perhaps date once in a while. However, there hasn't been any word at all since then. And because one of my rules is to not chase people, I've not reached out other than a short email after his last phone call.

This morning I was wondering about it, and thought that perhaps he is cutting most communication as a way to help the separation, rather than dragging something out. Each phone call and email is a little bit of hope for me, and he doesn't want to give me false hope. I know that it probably a way to think about it that makes ME feel better, but it's still hard. You get used to seeing someone, talking to them every day, hearing how wonderful you are together. Then nothing. The rejection and the disappointment are difficult.

On an up note, most of my friends have been supportive and affirmative, reminding me that taking the chance on relationships takes a lot of guts and work and that they are proud of me. They also remind me that if I found something like the wonderfulness with the SW, I will find it again.

Finally, to help me remember all the challenges that this relationship had from the beginning, I wrote a list and posted it to my bathroom mirror. It helps me remember that there WERE challenges from the beginning, instead of forming a "halo" of perfection on the relationship.

And so I move on.

Tough weekend

Well, after the hopeful phone call last Thursday morning, I haven't heard a word from the Social Worker. I'm hurt and confused and angry. As I look back at the relationship, I feel that he is responsible for moving it so fast. I was very cautious and slow, only getting caught up after a few weeks of his positive feedback about us. I'm still not sure how things changed so fast. And It's hard for my personality to understand that I may never understand or get real closure.

Intellectually, I know there are many challenges to us being a couple for long-term. The kids, the lifestyles, financials, etc. But my heart is hurt. I know enough that you just don't find people that you have an attraction with. The SW was attractive to me on an intellectual level, a physical level and a emotional level.

I'll work this week on getting past this hurt, and subsequent lonliness, that I'm feeling. And then I'll move on. As always.

Slow and go

This morning SW called. I was happy and nervous to talk with him. I didn't want to cry again after an on-off day of sad tears on Wednesday.

He let me know about some work issues that we had talked about and how they resolved. We then switched to a talk about us. SW said that he had missed talking to me and that he was thinking about me. I asked him what he wanted to do about us seeing each other. He said that he'd like to see each other and that he had real feelings for me, but he had so many pressures on him. I let him know that I would be happy to date slowly and casually.

Although we started out with a bang, this type of dating makes a lot more sense for two people who haven't known each other that long. He asked if we could do that (dating casually) since we both are the types of people who jump right in. I assured him it was fine. I let him know that he didn't have to call me every day (something he had initiated), that he could call and make a date and then not need to check in every day.

He said that it could work as long as I didn't get mad for him not calling every day. I reminded him that I've not been like that through the whole beginning and that I was mature and understanding about all the things in his life. He acknowledged that I was not like that and that he knew I was a mature and open person.

I did let him know that I had some parameters about dating casually...honesty and trust and just dating each other unless we told each other. He let me know that all that was very OK with him.

We left the conversation on a good note, talking about the kids and work and such. We didn't make a next date, but I didn't expect that. I do expect a different sort of relationship, but I believe it will be much more in line with reality.

And so I move on....with optimism.

Difficult evening

Tonight the Social Worker and I had a difficult talk. It had to do with him being stretched to the limit with the kids, a full-time job, a part-time job and me. He vocalized that he was not sure what was going on, but that he was feeling like he was pulling away from me. And he just wasn't sure why.

He was the one who went full-bore into this just 2 months ago. I was cautious, taking my time. But I admit that I was bowled over by the attention, the sweet words, the hours of good conversation. Lately things have slowed down, but I attributed it to the nature of life. He was still calling daily, writing emails every few days and generally keeping things the same.

As I've said before, there are many differences and challenges to a relationship with him. I was taking the tack that only time will tell and I was attracted to him enough to put some time in. Heck, I'm still amazed at him and feel so many good emotions around him.

Anyway, the talk last about an hour and then he took his leave. I'm not sure if we will stop dating all together, or just pull way back and continue to enjoy each other's company as a dating couple. I assured him that I would like to keep seeing each other, but that I understood that if I was just not his girl, so be it. He said that he would call, but I'm not sure when and want to give him his space.

It's hard for me to understand how we went from 0 to 60 back to 20. I feel sad, mad and even foolish. When I talked to both the Wingwoman and Best Friend T tonight, they both assured me that having the guts, courage and open heart to let myself feel these emotions are all good, and not foolish. And that is why they are my best friends.

And so I move on.

The "L" word

Well, it's been 50 days with the Social Worker and I'm even more attracted to him than ever. We've been spending as much time together as well can, along with phone calls and emails. We never seem to run out of things to talk about, things to discuss, things to discover.

This past weekend, he had the girls with him, so we did a family dinner on Friday night out at a restaurant, then a dinner at his house with the girls last night. If I didn't think he was an amazing man, just watching him with the girls is enough to give me a full heart. He's so wonderful with them and you can just feel how much he loves and treasures them.

We also got to sneak away to the back yard for some adult time. We talked about how much we enjoy seeing each other, even if it's not private time. During the conversation, he said that he's totally in love with me and how happy and lucky he was. I told him that I loved him as well. Quite a moment between us. Then, it was back in the house to see if one girl had taken her bath and to put one to bed.

And so I move on with a very happy life right now.

Still sparking

This week finds the Social Worker and I hitting a new, but very nice stride. After a weekend away (I went to see my family for Mom's 70th birthday), we are settling into a much for realistic rythmn. We both are working to make sure the other gets some space to get life (laundry, freelance, grocery shopping) organized. I think we both would like to see each other 24/7, but know that neither is going anywhere at the moment, so we can sit back and relax a little.

On Sunday evening, the Social Worker met me and Wingwoman at Wingwoman's house for an impromptu dinner. It was lovely and fun and I'm glad that they are getting to know one another. The Wingwoman approves of SW, even with all the baggage. She sees how nice and sweet he is and how happy he makes me. It's so wonderful to have friends that care about you.

And last night SW cooked me a special dinner at his house. While the dinner was good, but not great, the effort was so greatly appreciated. He is so sweet and thoughtful and happy to spend time with me. It's a lovely, lovely feeling. We were at a point where we were all worrying about the future and how we would handle the family stuff, but for now we are just enjoying being together. This was something we both had projected and I think it's how our heads are wired. I'm glad that we are both on the same path and one is not ahead of the other.

After the thunderbolt, reality

The Social Worker and I have made it over the 30 day mark. We still love being in each other's company, but life and practicality has been sinking in. Neither of us have been getting things done....laundry, mowing the grass, freelance work, etc. Plus the SW has three kids to take care of on a part-time basis.

Last evening we had a more practical talk. Although we would both love to see each other every free moment, we need to start looking at real life. And in that turn, I also need to think about how I feel about giving up the easy, single, dating life for a more permanent relationship that includes an instant family.

The romantic side of me believes that this love needs to play out. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. But it's a tough call for me. I've never been in a serious relationship that had others who needed to come first (the kids). I'm not a selfish person, and everyone who knows me tells me that I'd be a good mom. But at 46 (soon to be 47!), am I up to this. The kids are young and I would be signing up for a long stint.

I keep moving between wanting to just jump right in, live this life that has the possibilities to be filled with love and joy, and staying in the life that I know and enjoy.

And so I keep thinking......

Calendar days

Well, the Social Worker (SW) and I are still having a wonderful time. Last night I had dinner with him and his 2 girls. They are lovely young ladies and we had a great time.

After we dropped them off, we came over to my house. We talked a lot about how rare it is to feel like this about someone and have them feel the same way about you. How life is so short and not many people get to experience this kind of emotion. We both tend to feel and thing the same way and it's still so amazing.

Also, it's only been 15 days. So we're trying to just take deep cleansing breaths and slow things down. We've been talking about the 30-day mark and the 6-month mark. We feel like if we still feel the same way (or more!) for each other, then things will be very, very good.

I'm constantly amazed at his depth of thought. Today he told me that I was so beautiful on the inside, and that's what made me beautiful on the outside. Wow.

It's like thunder, it's like lightening

Wow! Where to start? I put myself back on one of my online dating services after I got back from the traditional family beach vacation. I started getting some good hits this time. Lots of nice, new guys out there. And not a lot of fishing pictures, Harley riding pictures or standing-in-front of my truck pictures!

I had told myself that I was not going to be super-aggressive this time with lots of winks and emails. Rather my tactic was just to see what would come to me. A few came to me and we started some nice conversations over email. But I wasn't feeling anything huge. So I decided to wink very selectively on afternoon and see what happened.

One of the guys will now be known as the Social Worker. I winked, he wrote back a nice, short note. Then I wrote, then he wrote more. Pretty soon we had exchanged phone numbers and spent on night on the phone until 2:00 a.m. He presented himself as smart and witty, with lot of things going on in his life.

We made plans to have an introductory "ice cream" meeting on the coming Saturday. But on Friday night, my phone rang and it was him. He said that plans had changed and would I like to meet that evening instead. We had such good chemistry on the phone that I agreed. We met in a groovy little part of town to get coffee (him) and ice cream (me).

And honestly, it was like a thunderbolt hit. Both of us. The chemistry was so thick and real you could almost see it in the air. We talked, we ate ice cream, we walked in the summer night. We hardly wanted to part. When I got home, he called and we talked more until 2:00 a.m.

And the topics were not just about favorite places to eat and family stories. We went right for the good stuff--dreams, goals, fears, pains. It was amazing to me.

Well, this was about 11 days ago and we're both still reeling from this electrical storm we've walked into. There's lots of baggage, lots of differences, lots of challenges. But when I look at him I see into his eyes straight into his heart and soul. And it's so wonderful. I don't think I've ever had this feeling before. Ever.

We've seen each other as much as we can in the last days. And every day is wonderful. But there is pain too. The challenges to me are large and could alter my life. We're not only talking about dating and being boyfriend and girlfriend, but making a real move to commit to each other, whatever that looks like.

I need help. I need oxygen. I need to see him again today.

Wow.

Power Bar

My friend the Tri-Girl said something a while ago that has been ringing in my ears. She and I were talking about The Torch and she said, "He has too much power over you."

Wow. A strong statement. But as I think about it, it might be true. Over the last three years I've used a lot of energy thinking, worrying and wondering about The Torch. While we have a great time together, enjoying each other's company, talking for hours, he is still the non-commital person he always was.

I want him as a friend, but need to start thinking less and less of him as a romantic tie.

And so I move on.

Slow learner

Last weekend The Torch and I, along with friends D & D, went to my hometown of Pittsburgh for a weekend of fun. Don't get all excited. Torch and I were going strictly as friends, although I was still wishing that we were dating steadily again.

And while the weekend was very fun with a professional baseball game, a wonderful art exhibit (www.chihuly.com), some lovely talks and a brunch at my Doppleganger's home, it got me to thinking again about the relationship between myself and Torch. While I want, with all my heart, for him to be able to open up and really enjoy a more romantic relationship with me, I am beginning to see that it's just not going to happen. I know, I know. Hit me in the head with a 2x4.

I just see how other relationships around me are, and he can't/won't give that to me. And I need to value myself enough to go for the type of relationship I deserve. He's fine to be friends, even good friends. But he can't/won't be able to be any more than that. I saw D & D this past weekend and they are such a nice couple. He made her tea in the morning. She shared her appetizer with him. These little things make me understand that there's more out there. And I want it.

This is not a new revelation for me. I've been here before with Torch. I guess I just need to let the lesson sink in deeper this time. He's not a bad guy. It's that he's not the guy for me now.

And so I move on.

A date with myself

Tonight I went on a date with myself. I didn't wear a baseball hat to cover my receding hairline, I didn't talk about fishing, I didn't keep looking at my chest. (Well, actually I did, but only to check to make sure my bra was peeking out!).

I was calm and thoughtful and good company. I took myself to a concert to support a friend who was playing in a concert band. Then I took myself out for ice cream and sat outside and watched a little part of the world go by.

What a nice evening.

Please learn to spell

I was looking over the Match listing the other night and came across a nice photo. Good smile. Lots of silver hair. So I decide to read the profile. To my dismay, this is his LEADING sentence:

"this year I'm going to work on a new goal. To go on long bile rides."

Oh my goodness! As you may know, even if you're just browsing, the first few sentences on the man's profile shows. This is his first impression.

*Sassy shakes her head*

And this guy sits wondering why no women are approaching him.

Too fast?

I switched out my photo on one of my dating websites and have gotten some hits. One is from a guy that emailed and even talked to me over the phone about a year ago. He was nice in his email. I brought up the fact that I thought that we had talked before. I can not remember why we never met, but I'm thinking there was probably a good reason.

Anyway, without a lot of chit-chat on email he wants to meet for coffee. My gut is saying that he's moving too fast. A kinda of desperate feeling is flagging at me. And I'm torn. Just an hour coffee date is easy to take. On the other hand, why should I waste my time?

Kittens and Cougars

As I'm sitting at my computer this evening, I saw a promo on the TV for a new show called "The Age of Love." The premise is that they have one bachelor and two sets of women vying for his attention. One is called the Cougars, 40 and over women. The other is called the Kittens and they are in their 20s.

I suppose that it will show that some women who are in their 40s can be just as sexy and good looking as the 20 year olds. Now, I almost typed "smart" in that sentance too. But that woud be wrong. I'm sure that none of them were chosen for a TV show for their brains. I'm sure some of them are quite intelligent, but this show is so much about looks and clevege and such that it just turns me off.

At 40+, everyone is experiencing some changes in their looks and bodies. It doesn't mean that you have to let yourself go, but I'd like to think that people eventually bond and love each other for what's inside. My heart is full...and young.

Zen and the Art of Dating

Lately (as past posts have said) I'm trying to approach my relationship and (perhaps) dating The Torch with a Zen-like quality. As I said it to the Wingwoman the other night:

It's like I've been trying to make a river go where I want it to go. So I push and pull and struggle and get exhausted.
Now (after a very enlightening discussion early Spring with Torch), I am letting the relationship just be what it is. Enjoying our time together, being calm and just being me.

Lovely day with the Torch

Well, The Torch and I had a wonderful date yesterday. Per his suggestion, we headed west via the back roads to a lovely vineyard in the mountains. On our drive out there, he asked if I had ever been to Elk Hill Farm. I answered, "no" and off we turned onto a little country road.

As we turned left, the most wonderful old house came into view. It was an old (1750s?) mansion that is situated on top of a gorgeous piece of property in the middle of almost nowhere. It is slightly falling apart, but somehow the Torch would just know that I would love it. We walked around the property, talked about how cool it would be to live there with lots of big dogs, books and rocking chairs. I honestly felt like he had given me this jewel of a gift to show me this.

Next stop was a little canal town that's been flooded lots of time. Torch mentioned that they had a cool little museum there (kind of an outside display) about the town, the floods, the river, the canal and the flat bottom boats. We walked around, looked at all the history and enjoyed the small town.

Finally we were off to the winery. A pretty little place in the mountains (or perhaps foothills is a better term). After a tasting of some yummy wine, we got a cold bottle and proceeded to sit in the sun, eat our picnic lunch and talk and talk. After a couple of hours, we packed up and headed back to our town about an hour and 20 minutes away.

At my home, we made dinner (Torch supplied steaks) and lounged in the lovely evening on the deck while sipping wine and talking. At the end of the night we went our separate ways. And a wonderful time was had by all.

Out on a limb

Late last week I got invited to a cook out for this Saturday. The person who invited me is someone I consider a good work friend and I wanted to go. So I decided that I would ask The Torch to go as my date.

I gave him a call last night. He and I have been in contact through email and telephone, mostly work related. (If you recall he and I are in the same field and have been working on some projects together.) He did call me last Tuesday night to say hello and check on how my weekend in Chicago was. Anyway, he wasn't home so I left a message.

All day I have to say that I was anxious to hear if he would/could accompany me. This evening he called to say that while he appreciated the invite, he had a previous committment that he couldn't get out of. I thought his tone very sincere. He also mentioned that he would like to get together Sunday night if that would work for me.

I was happy that he suggested an alternate night. I just keep telling myself that I'm doing one day at a time, not expecting too much except honesty and respect and enjoying my time with him.

And so I move on.

Random dating thoughts

Life has been slow lately--at least on the dating side. I've hidden my profile on one site, and will let another site close for the summer. I think there are 2-parts to this. One is that I'm just not meeting anyone that captures my attention. I've been on the one site a while (on and off) and not seeing lots of new faces that interest me. The other reason is that summer is always so busy with work, freelance, summer fun, etc. I just don't have the time to date or even look around.

And I think this is OK. Sometimes you just have to decide where your concentration goes. And lately, that's been with family and friends.

Now, none of this is to say that I'm not keeping my eyes open. I have been swapping a few very early round of emails with someone from Match that contacted me a long while ago. I thought that he had bowed out due to non-interest, but he contacted me saying that he is moving to my area and business had him tied up. Nothing exciting, although he appears to be interesting.

Of course, there's always The Torch. I've been seeing him as a friend and hanging out with him. I'm sure this is part of the equation as well. I just enjoy his company so much....we have a ton in common....that anyone else will have to catch my attention in a big way.

And so I move forward.....

Seeing the Torch

Since about last July, The Torch and I have been seeing each other as friends, emailing, flirting, talking for more than an hour on the phone, having dinner, etc. From my view, he ramped it up around March when he started asking me to accompany him to some social events. There's no denying that I enjoy the time we spend together. It's much better to have him in my life than not.

My position currently (and I can't say it won't change), is that I'm taking one day at a time. Enjoying his company, but no expectations other than we are both honest and respectful of each other. I'm trying to just let it be what it is, rather than pushing and pulling to control the universe of this friendship. I'm also keeping myself open to date others if they come my way, but I'm not really forcing that issue too much either.

One thing I've been thinking about during all of this is how much I've changed since I first met Torch almost 2.5 years ago. At that time I was newly single (separated in March, dating Torch in November of the same year), wondering how I would live my life, wanting something so badly. Now I know myself so much better, understand the Torch better regarding his worries about his life and future, and just understand the whole man/woman thing a little better. I'm better at the single life, better at being me.

To flirt or not to flirt

This evening I went to a happy hour with a career networking/social group. The room was fun and crowded and mixed. I caught up with lovely KT and chatted with the proofreading guru. At one point, there were a bunch of us at a table talking about art and football and topless beaches.

At the table was a guy about my age. No wedding ring. He was having a nice conversation and actually was speaking to me directly. I liked his thoughts, his looks, his friendliness. Could he be a possible date to get to know better? I gave him my name and actually found that he had a colleague who I had worked with years ago. Soon, KT spoke up and asked how his wife was feeling.

Surprised at first, I then wondered if I am looking "too much" for dating prospects instead of just enjoying people. I am torn. One school of thought says that you should be open to all possibilities. The other says that you shouldn't be out there prowling, but being thoughtful about who are think about.

A lesson for me in there somewhere, I'm sure.

And so I move on.

Wedding bells

I went to a lovely wedding yesterday afternoon. The bride was dazzling, the groom was proud, the guests were happy. It got me thinking about what being in love and having a real partner means.

This couple has known each other for about 10 years. They met in college and were friends. The groom was always attracted to the bride, but after college they went their separate ways. Years passed and they got in contact again. The groom explained that he had been thinking of her all of these years.

They are a couple who understand even at their young ages how to communicate. They are open and honest and truly respect and love each other. He would do anything for her, and she feels likewise. I was proud to be invited to such a special event.

Best wishes, N & T!

Tragedy

My thoughts are with all the parents and families who lost someone in the Virginia Tech tragedy. Once again I am reminded to count my blessings.

I'm not your entertainment committee

On Saturday night when I was getting ready to go out on the town with Wingwoman when the phone rang. Being slow on the Caller ID thing, I pick up. The voice was someone I had dated almost 2 full years ago. We went out for 2 dates and that was that.

Being the polite gal I am, I said hello and asked how he was. He chitted and chatted. Now, mind you it's a Saturday night. Finally I had to almost cut him off and let him know that I was getting ready to go out.

As I drove over the Wingwoman's house, I thought about what brought him out of the woodwork. I decided he was just bored, calling around in his "black book" to see what he could stir up.

Through my dating years, I've noticed this phenomonen. Boys who call when they're bored or lonely or both. As a nice person who knows what it feels like to be bored or lonely, I understand. But I call my friends, not someone I've not seen for months. I reach out to family. Or I simple pull my boots up and figure out how to entertain myself.

The other problem with this is I want to be polite. As women we are taught to be nice, polite, welcoming. However, in the dating world, sometimes it's cruel to be kind. I don't want to give someone a false hope, lead them on, make them think something that's not.

And so I move on.

50 things about me

Not an original idea, but one that might make for some good reading!

1. I am an identical twin
2. I talk to my twin at least once a day
3. The scar on my left cheek was caused by an accident involving an ice skate
4. My calico kitty is named Molly
5. Max, my other cat, passed away last year
6. I once dated a drummer for a punk rock band
7. I really like to sew
8. Doing dishes by hand is relaxing for me
9. I worry about getting old and who will take care of me
10. Vacation and travel are two different things to me
11. Vacation is relaxing, reading, sleeping and being as low key as I want
12. Travel is seeing things I've never seen before and being on the go
13. I love the hazelnut gelato in Italy
14. My dream was always to make a living being a writer
15. I make my living being a writer
16. My mom is awesome
17. Coffee ice cream is my favorite
18. When you put hot fudge on coffee ice cream, it's amazing
19. I love to snow ski and am pretty good
20. I can water ski, but not all that well
21. In my 40s I learned to love a good steak
22. I'm smoked a cigar once or twice
23. I would love to be a better cook and do it more often
24. At the beach house I have never taken a shower indoors
25. I love outdoor showers
26. My dream job would to be a ski hostess in Vail
27. Another dream job would be just to read good books for a living
28. I don't care for sushi, but sometimes I eat a veggie roll just to make sure
29. I take a hot bath almost every night
30. Even though I got divorced, I don't regret being married
31. I wear jeans to work too often
32. Being a good friend to people I know is important to me
33. I wish I could ask my Dad for advice sometimes
34. My Dad passed away over 10 years ago
35. I have one niece and four nephews whom I love
36. If I didn't color my hair, I'd be very gray
37. I hate dealing with paperwork
38. Cutting flowers and bringing them inside the house is a simple joy
39. I'm nervous I won't have enough money when I'm old and sick
40. I've seen Bruce Springsteen about 6 times
41. I don't like to hang around people who are smoking
42. I'd like to be more spontaneous
43. I like fancy shoes, but don't wear them enough
44. I could eat cereal for three meals a day
45. I try to be considerate about using my cell phone in public
46. I have a passion for keeping small cities vibrant (like living and shopping in the city)
47. People who say there's nothing to do irritate me
48. I sometimes feel like there's nothing to do
49. I get shy at parties
50. I love to have friends over to my house

Easter bunny report

Hope that all my friends had a nice Easter or Passover. I had a lovely weekend, although I didn't get to go visit my brother as I had planned. My Mother was visiting him, and called to report that one of the little ones was not feeling well and that my visit would probably not include the fun of playing with them. So I opted out and went shopping instead. Great new dress for an upcoming wedding, new capri pants, a skirt and shorts. My Wingwoman went with me and we had a fun time, topping off the day with a late lunch.

On Sunday I went to the Catherdral with Wingwoman. Although I'm not Catholic, I love this building so it's like going to an art museum for me. Lovely service with wonderful music. Then I went to D&D's house to have a wonderful Easter dinner. The crowd was nice and filled with good friends, including The Torch and his Mother. I had met D&D when Torch and I were dating and they've proved to be wonderful, supportive friends.

Seeing Torch was both a pleasure and a pain. I so enjoy his conversation and company. We talked, laughed, played pool. And of course it was a pain because I so want to be at another place with him. I want to date again, call him my boyfriend, kiss and hold him.

I'm slowly accepting and understanding that he's just not emotionally able to be much more involved with me or anybody else right now. It's almost sad. I will continue to stay the course, be his friend, enjoy moments when they happen and not expect much more. And so I go on.

the Torch burns on

I keep waiting for it to go away. Like a backache, it comes and goes, bothering me, not bothering, there, not there.

The other night I was relaxing at home when the phone rang. The caller ID said it was The Torch and my heart leapt like a frog out of a pond. I answered and we talked and talked. Honestly, 140 minutes. Covered topics ranging from work to risk to fathers to party gossip. It was a wonderful, fulfilling conversation.

This morning I was wondering about his actions. Does he treat me like he does other women friends? Does he know how much phone calls and invitations and evenings keep me in the game? I don't think he does any of this maliciously, but it keeps me in there, damn it. Or is he thinking about dating me again and just starting the motions?

What I tell myself at this point in time is stay in there, because I love him in my life. Meanwhile, keep other avenues open. Perhaps he is a "standard" that's been put into my life to remind me what is important to me: intelligence, kindness, curiousity, physical attraction. And when I find someone else who has the right qualities, I will know it and think, "Torch who?"

Goodbye KitKat

Well, KitKat guy and I have parted ways. Actually this happened over a week ago, but with work and other stuff, I haven't gotten to this story.

While I was overwhelmed by Kit's kindness, sweetness and thoughtfulness, I kept thinking about how little we had in common. I'm more of a city girl...he's been raising kids in the suburbs for the last 20 years. I'm a huge reader and want to discuss books, he hasn't really read a book for oodles of years. He's a father (and certainly a devoted one), I've never had children.

It came to me that we just didn't have enough to talk about, enough to really keep me interested. And if this happens after 3 months of casual dating, I just didn't see any real future. My goal of dating is to enjoy myself, sure, but also to find someone to spend real quality time with, hopefully for the rest of my life.

And so I move on.

10 things I love

I've made this list before and thought I'd make another one. These are not the only things I love, just a random assortment. Enjoy!

10. Newly polished toenails
9. Maybelline mousse blush
8. Girl Scout Thin Mints
7. Blue skies when I'm skiing
6. Sitting in the sun on my front stoop
5. Gorgonzola cheese
4. Reading a good book
3. My cat curling up on my lap
2. Pink anything
1. My new sheets with seashells on them

My dance card is full

Last week The Torch called to see if I wanted to accompany him to a career function. It's usually a nice night with a chance to dress up. When we were dating we went to this same function in 2005. I remember a great time, being very proud to be on his arm.

Since I was scheduled to go on a little ski weekend with my Doppleganger, I had to decline. I have to admit that half of my heart wanted to go and half of me was glad I could tell him that I was busy. Ha! I'm leading a life, with or without you, my Torch!

This past Wednesday it was the Torch's birthday and I sent him a card with a small gift of "cards" that I made myself. We bantered on email about these and his birthday and I was happy with the little flirting that happened. Then today I get an email from him, once again asking me to accompany him to a "networking" cocktail party Friday with a dinner after. (To remind you, we are in the same business of advertising.)

Once again, I could tell him that I was busy with plans. Did it feel good? Make me sad that I couldn't go? A little of both, once again. We chatted back and forth on email and he suggested getting together this coming weekend. Once again, I told him I was busy (skiing with another friend).

I suggested in a very loose way that when my dance card was open again, perhaps we could get together. He emailed that I should touch base when I was back in town.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole, long exchange. As most of my good friends know, I'm crazy about him, feel he is an almost perfect match for me, think about him. However, as I know, he can't get on the same page of Relationships 101 that I want to be on. And so the "perfect match" label is a moot one.

And so I move on. Being busy, living my life.

I have mail!

Today when I came home from work, I reached my little paw into the mailbox and pulled out the pile. There, on the top, was a small, cream-colored envelope. When I looked at the return address, I was tickled to see it was from KitKat.

As I opened it up, I saw that it was a thank-you note. He hand-wrote a sweet note thanking me for making his birthday so special. Last Thursday I had taken him out to a funky restaurant downtown. We had a lovely dinner, complete with a Cosmo (for me) and a big wedge of pie (for me again!). {Whose birthday was it anyway?! hee hee}

I also gave him a card and a mix CD. Then on Friday, I ventured to his neck of the woods and he took me to a movie and then out for a short drink.

Anyway, I was so touched by his kindness. It took time and thought to do this very sweet thing. And I think it shows what kind of person he is. What's next? We probably won't see each other for a while due to travel, work, etc. But it's nice to know such a guy is in my world.

And so I move on.

Wise words

One of my regular blogs is a cute one on iVillage. The woman who writes it is a little younger than me, but in the dating scene as well. Today her entry was about "playing darts." It talked about how women pick and ponder about every little thing in a relationship, serious or not. And how men sometimes are not mad, or dating other people, or avoiding you....they're just playing darts. I thought it good wisdom as I move through this part of my journey. Hope you enjoy it too.

http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/

Better late than never

Once again I find myself apologizing to my dear readers about my lack of posts. Life has been a whirlwind lately of social fun, work, school, visitors, etc.

On the dating scene I have been having a great deal of fun with KitKat. He's proven to be a sweet, kind, thoughtful person. I'm almost overwhelmed by his kindness. I need to keep reminding myself that he's doing things for/with me because he wants to.

For example, I had casually mentioned that I wanted to change my light fixture in my dining room. Two Sunday afternoons ago, he called, offering his services to go "light shopping" then to install any light I might find. Wow! Generosity of time is certainly a way to impress a girl.

We went shopping, ending up going to three store where I stood in the aisles craning my neck to discern between this one and that one and the other one over there. The whole time KitKat showed patience and the ability to roll with a woman's right to change her mind.

After the trip, I made late lunch in exchange for light fixtures being put up. We didn't get to all three (yes, I bought three!), but had a fairly fun afternoon with me handing pliers and screws up the ladder. And, Voila!, there is light!

And so I move on....bathed in a new, less formal light.

It never rains, but it....blah, blah, blah

What in the universe says that at one time you sit around with nothing to do, even with the Great Girlfriends, and the next you crave just one single night at home?

These last two weeks have been a blur. With work, regular social stuff, teaching, etc., I feel like I've been running and gunning. Add KitKat guy and a new "friend" (not sure what to name him), plus a bit of The Torch and you've got a potent stew.

I've had another date with KitKat and it was great. (side note: he needs some wardrobe help, but that's a different post.) We went to the local fine arts museum and enjoyed their Art After Hours program with some art viewing, some blues music and some tasty martinis. As my regular readers know, I really enjoy dating someone who plans a good date. It's not so much the Material Girl in me, but shows that the guy is able to plan, able to think, able to put some effort into dating me. This mostly applies to the start of the dating, when I'm thinking if this guy is worth seeing again. And I have a date with him tonight again to go to an IMAX movie about the coral reefs of the world. Cool!

And once again, KitKat proved to be a thoughtful, kind, funny date. We seem to have a lot to talk about, enjoy each other's company and have some things in common. I'm just trying to enjoy him for who he is, and let things move freely.

On the subject of my new "friend"--this is a fix-up from a friend I know in the business. The gentleman in question has a lot in common with me and it's almost scary. We have emailed and talked on the phone several times. I have not seen a photo, but that doesn't scare me. Hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. He and I are meeting for coffee this morning and I'm kind of excited. If he doesn't turn out to be someone to date, I'm sure I've at least got a friend. And so I move on.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to all. Hope that you felt the love from your family, friends and special ones.

Last Saturday was the second date with KitKat guy. He planned a great evening out to see a jazz/torch singer. We had a terrific time. KitKat has great manners, was a true gentleman in every sense of the word. He called me when he was going to be just 5 minutes late. Opened the car door, helped me with my coat, etc. And he even asked permission to hold my hand during the concert. How cute is that?? I have to tell you, manners are a way to my heart.

KitKat is easy to talk to, friendly and warm. I'm not looking for a great love to start now, but I do think he's a bit "suburban" for me. After all, he has been in the suburbs for about 20 years raising children and being married. I usually am attracted to people who are a little more artsy, a little more urban. But I have to take him for what he is. He's certainly articulate, and interested in cool things. In fact, we have a third date tomorrow night. We are attending Art After Hours at the local museum. It features music, drinks, food, poetry reading, art tours, etc. Should be fun.

On other Valentine's news, I got a call from The Pilot wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. He's such a sweetie. Hard to believe that we've been friends for almost three years. I also got an email from The Torch. Nothing romantic, just a nice acknowledgement of the day. And of course, I heard from my wonderful family.

Things unsaid

Tonight I'm thinking of the things unsaid to people; specifically to The Torch. Why do we not say things we mean? Things that we want to say, dream of saying, long to say. Yet, something stops us.

Is it intelligence, knowing that I won't get the answer or action I want?
Is it fear, wondering if I could damage a friendship forever?
Is it protection, not letting myself open up?

All I know is that I've done well keeping some of my deep-heart thoughts to myself regarding him. We have our friendship, our flirting, our fun. And so I will probably keep it status quo. But understand, dear reader, there ARE things I want to say.

You had me at Kit.

Quick update with more to come later:

Had a nice lunch date (first date) with a new gentleman today. And I use gentleman correctly. Pretty blue eyes, nice manners, good conversation. At the end of the lunch, we walked out of the restaurant and out to the curb where we were to part ways.

Goatee guy: Here, take this back to work with you.



Sassy: How did you remember?

Goatee (smiles): I write things down.

About a dozen or more emails ago, he had asked about my favorite candy bar. I mentioned KitKats which I adore. Wow. If he wanted to make an impression, he certainly did. And we have a date next week.

And so I move on...after I finish the KitKat.

Building a community

Last evening I had some friends in for dinner and a rousing game of Uno! I made a big pot of shrimp etouffe, bread, and apple cobbler. Friends brought salad, ice cream, wine and beer. We had a terrific time and I was once again reminded of how blessed I am to have so many wonderful friends.

The Torch and I have a running discussion about when you're single, and especially when your family is scattered elsewhere, you need to have a community. And it's work to make it and keep it vibrant. I think of my community as my friends. Kinda like a family right here in my town. They're the people I lean on, laugh with, support and play with.

This is one of the best lessons that I've had out of my divorce. Luckily, I already had a great network of friends and have a personality that knows how to reach out and make relationships. I empathize with people who look around one day and think that they don't have friends to count on or to have fun with.

So, to all my friends near and far, THANKS! You're wonderful people and make my life richer and richer every day!

My (kinda) Zen moment

Today as I was driving home from work, I thought about the dating scene and how I was going about meeting someone who could be special and share quality time with. I ask friends and trusted colleagues if they know anyone, I participate in one (or sometimes two) dating sites, and I keep my eyes open at the grocery store and events.

But I wonder: am I pushing the universe where it's not meant to go? Will the life and love that I'm meant for come when it's the right time? Am I upsetting the balance?

As my friends know, I'm someone who is active. Life's not going to pass me by. If I want something, I'll go for it (within reason of course!). I've approached this new chapter in my life with passion, gusto, enthusiam and excitement. It's been a wonderful couple of years and I've learned so very much about myself.

I enjoy the single life and all it's brought me. So for now I'll keep on keeping on. But I'll keep an eye on the dating Budda.

To the men on dating sites

Dear guys who post their pictures on online dating sites:

I enjoy looking at most of your pictures. Through online dating I've met a lot of nice people. And seeing their pictures helped. But some of you just don't have a clue how to put your best face forward to bring you some success. So I thought I'd give you all some pointers.

1) Smile. No one wants to meet someone who looks like a grump, or worse, from the get go.
2) Keep your shirt on. Unless it's a real beach pictures, or you're a hot stud, I'd perfer not to see that first time out.
3) Have at least one picture with your hat off. I know guys like to wear baseball hats and all, and there's the balding thing, but I'll see it eventually.
4) Try a photo without sunglasses. If you're only posting one photo, make it one without sunglasses. How can I see what you look like?
5) Save the "look what I caught/shot" pictures for later. Why, oh why, do guys think that a photo of them holding a fish they just caught is going to appeal to women? Guys, yes. Hmmmm.
6) Don't try to impress me with photos of your cars, motorcycles or trucks. I'm dating you, not your vehicle.
7) Watch out when you post pictures with you a beautiful woman. Sure, she might be your sister. But it's a little intimidating for the rest of us.

Sincerely,
Sassy

Britney's boys

To whom it may concern:

How is it that Britney, known for her poor singing, dancer husbands, childcare issues and no-underpants nights, finds a boyfriend in no time flat?

I know. I know. She's a star and people want to hitch their *ahem* wagons to her. But geesh. She's unstable, kinda trashy and has two kids to drag around. While I, on the other hand, am a stable, working woman with her own house, own savings account, good job, is still looking for love.

Well, as my Doppleganger says, it's quality, not quantity. And, as usual, she's right.

And so I move on.

Adults only, please

Today I had a "goodbye" brunch with BuffaloBoy. This was his invitation, his idea.

When we decided that we needed to be done dating, we still had some things of each others. A book, a tennis racquet, that sort of thing. Anyway, Boy had to cancel our lunch on Friday due to a work issue. He called me at the office to ask if I'd rather go to a very swanky hotel for their famous champagne brunch. It's a beautiful place, perfect for a special occasion.

I accepted and he picked me up at 10:30. We went and had a nice time. We always have things to talk about; everything from the Democrats to a famous kidnapping. We were both dancing around the break-up, trying just to be friends and enjoying each other's company.

Finally, as we were winding up, Boy said he just needed to say one thing about our dating. His pitch was, "How often is it that you meet someone you really like?"

Exactly. I like him. He likes me. But I want more. I want someone to be in love with me, loving me for who and what I am. A woman who has a lot to offer.

In the end, it was an adult break-up, amicable and finite.

And so I move on.

Horse auction? Or horse's ass?

With the end of dating BuffaloBoy, I have put myself out there again on two dating sites. After a flurry of emails, I agreed to meet last weekend for a breakfast with someone I'll call Horse. Before this meeting, we had chatted on the phone and I thought he was fun, but a little edgy. Nothing off color, you understand, but sharp with his words. And not in the best way. But as Friend T and I say, "everyone gets a cup of coffee."

Now, I understand what age range I am dating. I understand we have all aged a bit. I know that we are not 18 any more. So when I meet Horse for the first time in front of the restaurant, I am not surprised that he is a little round, shall we say, around the middle.

We smile, make small talk and proceed into the restaurant. Our orders are taken and the chit-chat continues. The talk turns to keeping active and fit. He asked me what I do to keep in shape. I reply that I walk, hike when I can, play tennis, ride my bike. I say (OK a little stretch) that I try to eat healthy and take care of myself.

Then he says, with a wave of his hand to the open area of the floor, "Well turn around and let me see."

Luckily, I had my wits about me and replied, with sarcasm, "This is not a horse auction."

With his reply of, "Well for me it is," I was done. At least with this man. Although I have to admit I stayed around to finish my breakfast. I kept my polite demeanor, ended the date as soon as possible and got out of there.

What I want to know is in what universe is this type of comment to a first date OK? I'm constantly stumped with grown men who have been raised by wolves. Wolves with bad manners.

And so I move on.

The Torch and Me

As some of you know, I have been working through a slightly mysterious medical problem recently. As I move from 45 to 46 (Happy Birthday last November), I am aware of taking care of myself so I can stay active and healthy. I've been working with my regular doctor and now am on my way to a specialist next week.

Through this chapter, I have heard from The Torch regularly. Since we've decided to talk again and try to be friends, we have swapped emails, some phone calls, a few friendly games of tennis and a dinner or two. Lately, we have been talking medical things, since he has taken his first "stress test" and I have been working through my issues. I had recently mentioned to Torch that I was going to have some medical tests on Tuesday. On Tuesday evening, he called to ask how I was, how I was feeling. I told him that I would know test results on Friday. Last night he called and left a message, seeing if I was OK and wondering about the results of the tests.

One thing about The Torch that I've always liked is his relationship with his friends. He has a good "community" that he's built and works hard to keep in touch with everyone. He knows what it takes to be a good friend and regularly acts on it.

Now, the question is whether he is doing this as my friend, or as someone who is missing me. I'm still holding a candle, and foolishly or not, my hope springs eternal. Meanwhile, I'm keeping other dating options open....and taking care of my health.

Happy 2007

Hello to everyone and sorry for the big gap in writing. I had a horrid cold and cough before and during the holidays, went "home" to Mom's house for the holidays and then ended things with BuffaloBoy.

Yes, you heard that right. This has been coming for some time, but came to a head after the Thanksgiving lunch that he declined with my Mom and sis. I let him know that I didn't think I was his type/girl, but while I think he was listening, I'm not sure he heard. We tried to see each other a couple of more times before Christmas, but the "feeling" just wasn't there. The final straw (for me) was the fact that he didn't call on Christmas Day ("oh, I didn't have your cell number in my cell"), yet The Torch called to wish me a happy day.

Then Boy made plans with other friends to go out of town on New Year's Eve. Frankly, I think that after 6 months, if you are truly interested in someone, you should be planning that night with your sweetie. PLUS (to add insult to injury), I got an EMAIL for New Year's Eve Day, wishing me well. Again, The Torch called in person to wish me well.

To that end, Boy and I are meeting on Friday to swap things (my book and jacket, his tennis racquet). I'm sorry if he's hurt, but I'm not about to settle for someone who isn't showing me the respect and interest that I want.

And so I move on.