Thinking about it

Lately I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot about visualizing what you want to make it come to you. I guess that's the premise behind the book, "The Secret," but I've not read it yet. Also I've read that athletes also use this--they see themselves making the touchdown and feeling the fun of winning.

Anyway, I'm working to use this on my dating and meeting people. OK, meeting men. So I've made myself kind of a special list of the qualities that I would like in a partner. Then I quietly work to think how that person would make me feel.

I've enjoyed this process, and while I'm skeptical at times, it has helped very much in that I know now what I want/need in a partner and this had helped me sort through online profiles and made me realize that I need to use my time with someone who fills most of my list so that I am happy and healthy in my next relationship.

Torch update

As most of you know, the Torch and I are still being friends and hanging out. After the Social Worker and my bruised heart, I had some thinking to do. And a lot of that thinking about is about the Torch.

I still have deep feelings for him. He is so much of what I want--except in the one thing that is most important. He is honest and kind, smart and interesting. He doesn't smoke and knows his limits in beer. We have our work in common, and have the same sensibilities in a lot of things. It's the commitment. He isn't/can't/won't give me the thing that I want. Whether he is still uptangling things still from his ex-wife, or just doesn't have the huge feelings to make a romantic relationship with me, I can't change it. My thought for him is: I can't ask him to give me what he doesn't have.

Sometimes, feeling lonely or frustrated with my dating life, I have a fantasy where I ask him if he'd like to try again to date, have fun and see what develops. But I know that if it was there, we would have talked about it by now. And I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with him.

And so I move on.

Red flags at night

I know. I know. I have a lot of catching up to do. So my first entry of the new year will share a story of a guy I met before the holidays.

I had signed up for a group activity--going hiking through one of our local historical cemeteries. This was with an outdoor group through MeetUp.com that I enjoy. As the group assembled, I looked around for someone else that I knew. Since there was no one, I introduced myself around. One man looked kind of interesting to me and we smiled at each other, but nothing more.

The hike started and the company was congenial. It was a cool, damp morning and I love feeling the history swirl around me. The gravestones are fascinating and I enjoyed that atmosphere and the day. As the group got spaced further and further apart, I found myself walking with a man with white hair and a nice smile.

We chatted and talked and had a nice time. He was complimentary to me and we thought that we had a lot in common. He did mentioned that he worked at the local Gap, but I thought he was either kidding or taking a second job at 45 to help with holiday bills. At the end of the tour, he asked if I would like coffee. Sure. Sounds nice.

As we settled in for coffee, more of his story came out. He really did work at the Gap. He was a recovering alcoholic. He was on medication. Gee! How could I have not seen all that? He was perfectly nice, chatting at the cemetary.

And so we parted. But, of course, he called. Told me how lovely I was. How smart and friendly. And those words can feel good sometimes. But as I've learned: pay attention to warning signs. They spell trouble ahead.