Coming out of the woodwork

Hi all--sorry it's been a long time since posts.

Well, the past three weeks have been a little exciting, frustrating, surprising. On one Thursday about three weeks ago, I heard from not one, but two guys. Both have been friends of late and I was surprised at the interest in me.

Guy 1 (Shy Guy) has been a friend for a few years. He's part of a group of people that all hang around together. He's a shy bachelor, never married. He's friendly and sweet. Anyway, he called and wanted to know if I would like to go to a concert with him. Yes, I said, thinking that it was just part of the group. When he said, "Well, it's a date then" I was slightly taken aback. The concert is actually in May, so he then asked for a date earlier. He was very sweet on the phone, telling me that I made him feel so at ease with my friendly personality. I let him know that I was nervous about the dating a friend part....and that I had dated another man in the group about 3 years before. We decided that we would try a date or two and see how it worked.

So Friday night, Shy Guy and I went out and had a really nice time. He treated me to the ballet, then out for late-night appetizers and wine. He's fun and sweet. The BIG question is: do i feel a physical attraction there? So far, only friendship. But I'm willing to try another date to see.

Guy 2 (Tall Guy) has been a friend a little under a year. Actually, I met him through a singles activity group and we clicked. Then I saw him on one of the online dating sites and approached him to maybe get to know each other better. He kindly responded that he wanted to just be friends and was not really dating anyone. To make a long story short, we kept up a loose friendship, he dating someone else, I dated someone else. He asked me to go dancing one night (as friends with his gal's blessing) , but other than that we just saw each other in group occasions and talked maybe once every 10 days by short emails).

About three weeks ago, he let me know that he and his girlfriend were breaking up and wanted to know if I was free to date. We had some serious in-depth discussion since I didn't want to be his reason for breaking up (they had dated about 5 months) and I didn't want to be a rebound girl. He confessed that after going dancing that night (it was very platonic as we belong to the activity group that dances frequently together), that he has serious doubts that he was even dating the right girl...and that maybe it should have been me.

So the other night, now free from his obligations to the girlfriend, we saw each other for a rather short date. Tall Guy brought over some wine, cheese and crackers and we just talked. I find him very attractive physically, intellectually and emotionally. We are just at the start of getting to know each other, so I'm taking it all really slow. We have another date this coming weekend and hopefully we'll be getting more clairity if this is something we want to continue.

And so i move on!

Thinking about it

Lately I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot about visualizing what you want to make it come to you. I guess that's the premise behind the book, "The Secret," but I've not read it yet. Also I've read that athletes also use this--they see themselves making the touchdown and feeling the fun of winning.

Anyway, I'm working to use this on my dating and meeting people. OK, meeting men. So I've made myself kind of a special list of the qualities that I would like in a partner. Then I quietly work to think how that person would make me feel.

I've enjoyed this process, and while I'm skeptical at times, it has helped very much in that I know now what I want/need in a partner and this had helped me sort through online profiles and made me realize that I need to use my time with someone who fills most of my list so that I am happy and healthy in my next relationship.

Torch update

As most of you know, the Torch and I are still being friends and hanging out. After the Social Worker and my bruised heart, I had some thinking to do. And a lot of that thinking about is about the Torch.

I still have deep feelings for him. He is so much of what I want--except in the one thing that is most important. He is honest and kind, smart and interesting. He doesn't smoke and knows his limits in beer. We have our work in common, and have the same sensibilities in a lot of things. It's the commitment. He isn't/can't/won't give me the thing that I want. Whether he is still uptangling things still from his ex-wife, or just doesn't have the huge feelings to make a romantic relationship with me, I can't change it. My thought for him is: I can't ask him to give me what he doesn't have.

Sometimes, feeling lonely or frustrated with my dating life, I have a fantasy where I ask him if he'd like to try again to date, have fun and see what develops. But I know that if it was there, we would have talked about it by now. And I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with him.

And so I move on.

Red flags at night

I know. I know. I have a lot of catching up to do. So my first entry of the new year will share a story of a guy I met before the holidays.

I had signed up for a group activity--going hiking through one of our local historical cemeteries. This was with an outdoor group through MeetUp.com that I enjoy. As the group assembled, I looked around for someone else that I knew. Since there was no one, I introduced myself around. One man looked kind of interesting to me and we smiled at each other, but nothing more.

The hike started and the company was congenial. It was a cool, damp morning and I love feeling the history swirl around me. The gravestones are fascinating and I enjoyed that atmosphere and the day. As the group got spaced further and further apart, I found myself walking with a man with white hair and a nice smile.

We chatted and talked and had a nice time. He was complimentary to me and we thought that we had a lot in common. He did mentioned that he worked at the local Gap, but I thought he was either kidding or taking a second job at 45 to help with holiday bills. At the end of the tour, he asked if I would like coffee. Sure. Sounds nice.

As we settled in for coffee, more of his story came out. He really did work at the Gap. He was a recovering alcoholic. He was on medication. Gee! How could I have not seen all that? He was perfectly nice, chatting at the cemetary.

And so we parted. But, of course, he called. Told me how lovely I was. How smart and friendly. And those words can feel good sometimes. But as I've learned: pay attention to warning signs. They spell trouble ahead.

Short or long?

Yesterday I was speaking to a work associate and she asked how long I had been single. When I answered, "3+ years," she said, "oh, that isn't that long."

As I was thinking about that this morning, I wondered if it felt long or short to me. My conclusion? Depends on the day. However, it got me to start thinking about all the things I've done and experienced.

• taught classes at the local university.
• been laid off of work twice (typical for advertising agencies)
• started my own little freelance business twice
• taken lessons at the local art co-op
• been to Italy with the Wingwoman
• had a few parties
• had a few bottles of wine
• remodeled my kitchen
• been on lots of dates; some wonderful, some not so much
• fallen in love twice
• had my heart bruised twice
• met a variety of men and women from many different walks of life
• bruised a few hearts or a least some egos
• had a surprise birthday party given for me
• learned a lot about myself, including how strong I am
• biked 20 miles on one ride
• hiked more than 7 miles in one afternoon

And that's just what I can think of right now! As I look at this list, I'm amazed and grateful.
And so I move on....

Giving thanks

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family and some birthday celebrating with friends, I thought that this time of year is a good time to reflect and give thanks for all I have.

During the last three and half years of being single, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and I'm truly grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to meet different people, male and female, from a variety of walks of life. I've had people who have helped me along the way with friendship, wisdom and guidance. I've learned about relationships and love both lost and found. I've discovered my inner strength and what is truly important to me.

These lessons are gifts and I thank everyone for them.

Wingwoman and Best Friend T: how can I thank you for all the advice, laughter, silliness and strength you have given me?
Torch: you taught me how to be single, make a community from friends, and that I could date again
D&D: your relationship is a wonderful study on how things can be done in face of differences
Social Worker: you have taught me that my heart can be open again, even if it might get bruised along the way
Pilot: your boundless friendship is a gift

And for all the others too numerous to mention, I thank you for the bottom of my heart.

And so I move on.....

Special visitor

Today I saw an old friend from Minneapolis. It's been about 9.5 years since we've seen each and she looks wonderful! Just the same. She and her husband were visiting his relatives a few hours away and made the drive just to see me. The sad part is that it seemed so comfortable seeing her that it was hard to believe she isn't just around the corner.

She and he have a lovely story. Neither had ever married until they were in their early 40s. They met and have a really strong, wonderful relationship. I've learned from her that you shouldn't settle. The right person is out there somewhere. Now if I can remember that!

Anyway, thanks to her and her sweet husband for coming all this way just to have a quick lunch and visit. I'm so blessed with my friends and hope they feel the same. I miss you already!

And so I move on.....

Too much vanilla

I had a couple of days left on one of my online dating sites after the break-up with SW, so I decided to "show" my profile for the last couple of days and see what happened.

I got a wink and then a nice email from a guy I'll call The Agent. While his photos were just regular-joe photos, his emails were nice and intelligent. So when he offered to meet for lunch early this week, I said yes.

We got to the restaurant and had a nice, friendly time. But there was no interest on my part. He was vanilla, middle of the road, melba toast. Just nothing sparked me at all. Of course, I was polite and nice. He seems to be a good guy and was easy to talk to. But again, none of that elusive chemistry.

At the end of the lunch, I offered to pay for my lunch as I usually do. This is a courtesy to the date, especially if he's not interested. He welcomed my offer and I thought that this was a sign that he felt the same....no real connection there. We walked out, parted ways and went into the sunset.

Strangely, he called the other night to just check in and say hello. He didn't ask for a date and didn't stay on the phone long. Really interesting. Anyway, I've decided that if he calls or emails again, I'll have to let him know up front that I would rather move on and keep looking. Politely and nicely of course.

And so I move on.....

Finding balance

After the last conversation, the phone has been quiet and I'm glad for it. So I'm taking this time to look at all my behaviors, my goals, my process. I know that I want to find a partner, perhaps someone to marry, but I'm learning and growing and understanding that this is a process that I just can't control.

With the SW, I leapt in even with some "deal-breakers" right in front of me. I need to remember that I've labeled things deal breakers for a reason, and I need to stay true to myself. While I think it's good for me to keep dating and meeting people, I wat to make sure that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I want to think about what I want and concentrate on taking nothing less.

And so I move on.....

The end

Well, after another conversation with the SW last evening, I'm declaring the relationship officially over. I kept hoping that things would smooth over and we could find a way to repair something, but it's just not meant to be. I'm getting mixed messages all over the place and think it's high time that I stop letting him affect me this way. I'm not going to change some fundamental things about me, and his situation and responsibilities won't either.

I'm philosophical about this relationship and will look for the lessons here. And in the future (months and months from now), perhaps we can be friends.

And so I move on...