Torch update

As most of you know, the Torch and I are still being friends and hanging out. After the Social Worker and my bruised heart, I had some thinking to do. And a lot of that thinking about is about the Torch.

I still have deep feelings for him. He is so much of what I want--except in the one thing that is most important. He is honest and kind, smart and interesting. He doesn't smoke and knows his limits in beer. We have our work in common, and have the same sensibilities in a lot of things. It's the commitment. He isn't/can't/won't give me the thing that I want. Whether he is still uptangling things still from his ex-wife, or just doesn't have the huge feelings to make a romantic relationship with me, I can't change it. My thought for him is: I can't ask him to give me what he doesn't have.

Sometimes, feeling lonely or frustrated with my dating life, I have a fantasy where I ask him if he'd like to try again to date, have fun and see what develops. But I know that if it was there, we would have talked about it by now. And I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with him.

And so I move on.

Giving thanks

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family and some birthday celebrating with friends, I thought that this time of year is a good time to reflect and give thanks for all I have.

During the last three and half years of being single, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and I'm truly grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to meet different people, male and female, from a variety of walks of life. I've had people who have helped me along the way with friendship, wisdom and guidance. I've learned about relationships and love both lost and found. I've discovered my inner strength and what is truly important to me.

These lessons are gifts and I thank everyone for them.

Wingwoman and Best Friend T: how can I thank you for all the advice, laughter, silliness and strength you have given me?
Torch: you taught me how to be single, make a community from friends, and that I could date again
D&D: your relationship is a wonderful study on how things can be done in face of differences
Social Worker: you have taught me that my heart can be open again, even if it might get bruised along the way
Pilot: your boundless friendship is a gift

And for all the others too numerous to mention, I thank you for the bottom of my heart.

And so I move on.....

Power Bar

My friend the Tri-Girl said something a while ago that has been ringing in my ears. She and I were talking about The Torch and she said, "He has too much power over you."

Wow. A strong statement. But as I think about it, it might be true. Over the last three years I've used a lot of energy thinking, worrying and wondering about The Torch. While we have a great time together, enjoying each other's company, talking for hours, he is still the non-commital person he always was.

I want him as a friend, but need to start thinking less and less of him as a romantic tie.

And so I move on.

Slow learner

Last weekend The Torch and I, along with friends D & D, went to my hometown of Pittsburgh for a weekend of fun. Don't get all excited. Torch and I were going strictly as friends, although I was still wishing that we were dating steadily again.

And while the weekend was very fun with a professional baseball game, a wonderful art exhibit (www.chihuly.com), some lovely talks and a brunch at my Doppleganger's home, it got me to thinking again about the relationship between myself and Torch. While I want, with all my heart, for him to be able to open up and really enjoy a more romantic relationship with me, I am beginning to see that it's just not going to happen. I know, I know. Hit me in the head with a 2x4.

I just see how other relationships around me are, and he can't/won't give that to me. And I need to value myself enough to go for the type of relationship I deserve. He's fine to be friends, even good friends. But he can't/won't be able to be any more than that. I saw D & D this past weekend and they are such a nice couple. He made her tea in the morning. She shared her appetizer with him. These little things make me understand that there's more out there. And I want it.

This is not a new revelation for me. I've been here before with Torch. I guess I just need to let the lesson sink in deeper this time. He's not a bad guy. It's that he's not the guy for me now.

And so I move on.

Easter bunny report

Hope that all my friends had a nice Easter or Passover. I had a lovely weekend, although I didn't get to go visit my brother as I had planned. My Mother was visiting him, and called to report that one of the little ones was not feeling well and that my visit would probably not include the fun of playing with them. So I opted out and went shopping instead. Great new dress for an upcoming wedding, new capri pants, a skirt and shorts. My Wingwoman went with me and we had a fun time, topping off the day with a late lunch.

On Sunday I went to the Catherdral with Wingwoman. Although I'm not Catholic, I love this building so it's like going to an art museum for me. Lovely service with wonderful music. Then I went to D&D's house to have a wonderful Easter dinner. The crowd was nice and filled with good friends, including The Torch and his Mother. I had met D&D when Torch and I were dating and they've proved to be wonderful, supportive friends.

Seeing Torch was both a pleasure and a pain. I so enjoy his conversation and company. We talked, laughed, played pool. And of course it was a pain because I so want to be at another place with him. I want to date again, call him my boyfriend, kiss and hold him.

I'm slowly accepting and understanding that he's just not emotionally able to be much more involved with me or anybody else right now. It's almost sad. I will continue to stay the course, be his friend, enjoy moments when they happen and not expect much more. And so I go on.

the Torch burns on

I keep waiting for it to go away. Like a backache, it comes and goes, bothering me, not bothering, there, not there.

The other night I was relaxing at home when the phone rang. The caller ID said it was The Torch and my heart leapt like a frog out of a pond. I answered and we talked and talked. Honestly, 140 minutes. Covered topics ranging from work to risk to fathers to party gossip. It was a wonderful, fulfilling conversation.

This morning I was wondering about his actions. Does he treat me like he does other women friends? Does he know how much phone calls and invitations and evenings keep me in the game? I don't think he does any of this maliciously, but it keeps me in there, damn it. Or is he thinking about dating me again and just starting the motions?

What I tell myself at this point in time is stay in there, because I love him in my life. Meanwhile, keep other avenues open. Perhaps he is a "standard" that's been put into my life to remind me what is important to me: intelligence, kindness, curiousity, physical attraction. And when I find someone else who has the right qualities, I will know it and think, "Torch who?"

My dance card is full

Last week The Torch called to see if I wanted to accompany him to a career function. It's usually a nice night with a chance to dress up. When we were dating we went to this same function in 2005. I remember a great time, being very proud to be on his arm.

Since I was scheduled to go on a little ski weekend with my Doppleganger, I had to decline. I have to admit that half of my heart wanted to go and half of me was glad I could tell him that I was busy. Ha! I'm leading a life, with or without you, my Torch!

This past Wednesday it was the Torch's birthday and I sent him a card with a small gift of "cards" that I made myself. We bantered on email about these and his birthday and I was happy with the little flirting that happened. Then today I get an email from him, once again asking me to accompany him to a "networking" cocktail party Friday with a dinner after. (To remind you, we are in the same business of advertising.)

Once again, I could tell him that I was busy with plans. Did it feel good? Make me sad that I couldn't go? A little of both, once again. We chatted back and forth on email and he suggested getting together this coming weekend. Once again, I told him I was busy (skiing with another friend).

I suggested in a very loose way that when my dance card was open again, perhaps we could get together. He emailed that I should touch base when I was back in town.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole, long exchange. As most of my good friends know, I'm crazy about him, feel he is an almost perfect match for me, think about him. However, as I know, he can't get on the same page of Relationships 101 that I want to be on. And so the "perfect match" label is a moot one.

And so I move on. Being busy, living my life.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to all. Hope that you felt the love from your family, friends and special ones.

Last Saturday was the second date with KitKat guy. He planned a great evening out to see a jazz/torch singer. We had a terrific time. KitKat has great manners, was a true gentleman in every sense of the word. He called me when he was going to be just 5 minutes late. Opened the car door, helped me with my coat, etc. And he even asked permission to hold my hand during the concert. How cute is that?? I have to tell you, manners are a way to my heart.

KitKat is easy to talk to, friendly and warm. I'm not looking for a great love to start now, but I do think he's a bit "suburban" for me. After all, he has been in the suburbs for about 20 years raising children and being married. I usually am attracted to people who are a little more artsy, a little more urban. But I have to take him for what he is. He's certainly articulate, and interested in cool things. In fact, we have a third date tomorrow night. We are attending Art After Hours at the local museum. It features music, drinks, food, poetry reading, art tours, etc. Should be fun.

On other Valentine's news, I got a call from The Pilot wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. He's such a sweetie. Hard to believe that we've been friends for almost three years. I also got an email from The Torch. Nothing romantic, just a nice acknowledgement of the day. And of course, I heard from my wonderful family.