All is well

Hard to believe that September is almost over. And where the heck did August go?

Anyway, The Boyfriend and I have had a nice month. We went cabin camping with friends and had a lovely weekend. Very nice weather. The best part for me might have been the canoeing, since The Boyfriend paddles and I just sit there and soak up the scenery. He was an awesome gondelier, taking us over some rocky patches since the creek was low due to Virginia's drought. We also hosted his 2 children at my deck for a little cookout and then had Boyfriend's brother, nephews and boys over for a football game.

We've also had a few little tiffs this month, but I'm still amazed at his ability to keep calm and work things out. Usually it's me over-reacting to something and him just bringing me quietly and calmly back to the center. Much, much different than the former husband. And I'm still enjoying his generosity and kindness, things that I appreciated when I first met him.

The other day when my head was just pounding, he did dinner and cleaned up the kitchen and put away the clean dishes for me. Not curing cancer, but showing his love in small, everyday actions. It makes me grateful to have him around.

And so we move on.

Asking for it

Hi all and hope you had a good 4th of July weekend!

I wanted to write once again about the Boyfriend and how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with someone who is communicative and open to having a real adult relationship.

Lately I've been missing the "romance" of a new love. Things have gotten comfortable and while that's all nice, I was missing the sweetness of romance. The other day I had expressed this, very clearly and calmly, to the Boyfriend. Well, last Tuesday, he came through. When he came over for his usual dinner after martial arts class, he was sweet and tender. He took time to kiss me more than usual, gave me compliments, told me how amazing and wonderful I was. It was a lovely evening for us both.

A few days later, as I was still basking in that glow, I asked what had brought that on. He said that he had heard me and wanted to make sure that I got what I needed.

Moral of the story: I am able to ask for what I need and Boyfriend will be there listening. And I hope I do the same for him.

Thinking about it

Lately I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot about visualizing what you want to make it come to you. I guess that's the premise behind the book, "The Secret," but I've not read it yet. Also I've read that athletes also use this--they see themselves making the touchdown and feeling the fun of winning.

Anyway, I'm working to use this on my dating and meeting people. OK, meeting men. So I've made myself kind of a special list of the qualities that I would like in a partner. Then I quietly work to think how that person would make me feel.

I've enjoyed this process, and while I'm skeptical at times, it has helped very much in that I know now what I want/need in a partner and this had helped me sort through online profiles and made me realize that I need to use my time with someone who fills most of my list so that I am happy and healthy in my next relationship.

Giving thanks

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family and some birthday celebrating with friends, I thought that this time of year is a good time to reflect and give thanks for all I have.

During the last three and half years of being single, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and I'm truly grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to meet different people, male and female, from a variety of walks of life. I've had people who have helped me along the way with friendship, wisdom and guidance. I've learned about relationships and love both lost and found. I've discovered my inner strength and what is truly important to me.

These lessons are gifts and I thank everyone for them.

Wingwoman and Best Friend T: how can I thank you for all the advice, laughter, silliness and strength you have given me?
Torch: you taught me how to be single, make a community from friends, and that I could date again
D&D: your relationship is a wonderful study on how things can be done in face of differences
Social Worker: you have taught me that my heart can be open again, even if it might get bruised along the way
Pilot: your boundless friendship is a gift

And for all the others too numerous to mention, I thank you for the bottom of my heart.

And so I move on.....

One more

After last Wednesday's call I thought that SW wouldn't check in again for a while. After all, I had pressed about the break up and he has shown lately how much he wants to shy away from that conversation.

However, Thursday afternoon the phone rang and it was him. I actually laughed and told him that he constantly surprised me. He asked why and I answered that because after the last conversation I thought it would be a while before we talked again. We continued to have a fun, light conversation with him making slight reference to us seeing each other in November. This is because his second job will slow down in that month. I told him that I was not holding my breath. Again, we hung up friendly and casual.

The confusion about this still lingers, but I'm trying to just go with the flow. One friend believes that SW likes the chase and then when reality hits, he leaves. Another thinks that he can't commit to stay, but he can't commit to actually leave either.

Me? I just think he's a man who has a ton on his plate and wants to have a relationship, but just can't seem to make it work right now in his llife. I do believe we have a strong connection, but I also know intellectually that all his obligations and responsibilities make this a relationship that would be tough sledding.

And so I move on....

After the thunderbolt, reality

The Social Worker and I have made it over the 30 day mark. We still love being in each other's company, but life and practicality has been sinking in. Neither of us have been getting things done....laundry, mowing the grass, freelance work, etc. Plus the SW has three kids to take care of on a part-time basis.

Last evening we had a more practical talk. Although we would both love to see each other every free moment, we need to start looking at real life. And in that turn, I also need to think about how I feel about giving up the easy, single, dating life for a more permanent relationship that includes an instant family.

The romantic side of me believes that this love needs to play out. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. But it's a tough call for me. I've never been in a serious relationship that had others who needed to come first (the kids). I'm not a selfish person, and everyone who knows me tells me that I'd be a good mom. But at 46 (soon to be 47!), am I up to this. The kids are young and I would be signing up for a long stint.

I keep moving between wanting to just jump right in, live this life that has the possibilities to be filled with love and joy, and staying in the life that I know and enjoy.

And so I keep thinking......

Calendar days

Well, the Social Worker (SW) and I are still having a wonderful time. Last night I had dinner with him and his 2 girls. They are lovely young ladies and we had a great time.

After we dropped them off, we came over to my house. We talked a lot about how rare it is to feel like this about someone and have them feel the same way about you. How life is so short and not many people get to experience this kind of emotion. We both tend to feel and thing the same way and it's still so amazing.

Also, it's only been 15 days. So we're trying to just take deep cleansing breaths and slow things down. We've been talking about the 30-day mark and the 6-month mark. We feel like if we still feel the same way (or more!) for each other, then things will be very, very good.

I'm constantly amazed at his depth of thought. Today he told me that I was so beautiful on the inside, and that's what made me beautiful on the outside. Wow.

Slow learner

Last weekend The Torch and I, along with friends D & D, went to my hometown of Pittsburgh for a weekend of fun. Don't get all excited. Torch and I were going strictly as friends, although I was still wishing that we were dating steadily again.

And while the weekend was very fun with a professional baseball game, a wonderful art exhibit (www.chihuly.com), some lovely talks and a brunch at my Doppleganger's home, it got me to thinking again about the relationship between myself and Torch. While I want, with all my heart, for him to be able to open up and really enjoy a more romantic relationship with me, I am beginning to see that it's just not going to happen. I know, I know. Hit me in the head with a 2x4.

I just see how other relationships around me are, and he can't/won't give that to me. And I need to value myself enough to go for the type of relationship I deserve. He's fine to be friends, even good friends. But he can't/won't be able to be any more than that. I saw D & D this past weekend and they are such a nice couple. He made her tea in the morning. She shared her appetizer with him. These little things make me understand that there's more out there. And I want it.

This is not a new revelation for me. I've been here before with Torch. I guess I just need to let the lesson sink in deeper this time. He's not a bad guy. It's that he's not the guy for me now.

And so I move on.

Wedding bells

I went to a lovely wedding yesterday afternoon. The bride was dazzling, the groom was proud, the guests were happy. It got me thinking about what being in love and having a real partner means.

This couple has known each other for about 10 years. They met in college and were friends. The groom was always attracted to the bride, but after college they went their separate ways. Years passed and they got in contact again. The groom explained that he had been thinking of her all of these years.

They are a couple who understand even at their young ages how to communicate. They are open and honest and truly respect and love each other. He would do anything for her, and she feels likewise. I was proud to be invited to such a special event.

Best wishes, N & T!

the Torch burns on

I keep waiting for it to go away. Like a backache, it comes and goes, bothering me, not bothering, there, not there.

The other night I was relaxing at home when the phone rang. The caller ID said it was The Torch and my heart leapt like a frog out of a pond. I answered and we talked and talked. Honestly, 140 minutes. Covered topics ranging from work to risk to fathers to party gossip. It was a wonderful, fulfilling conversation.

This morning I was wondering about his actions. Does he treat me like he does other women friends? Does he know how much phone calls and invitations and evenings keep me in the game? I don't think he does any of this maliciously, but it keeps me in there, damn it. Or is he thinking about dating me again and just starting the motions?

What I tell myself at this point in time is stay in there, because I love him in my life. Meanwhile, keep other avenues open. Perhaps he is a "standard" that's been put into my life to remind me what is important to me: intelligence, kindness, curiousity, physical attraction. And when I find someone else who has the right qualities, I will know it and think, "Torch who?"

My (kinda) Zen moment

Today as I was driving home from work, I thought about the dating scene and how I was going about meeting someone who could be special and share quality time with. I ask friends and trusted colleagues if they know anyone, I participate in one (or sometimes two) dating sites, and I keep my eyes open at the grocery store and events.

But I wonder: am I pushing the universe where it's not meant to go? Will the life and love that I'm meant for come when it's the right time? Am I upsetting the balance?

As my friends know, I'm someone who is active. Life's not going to pass me by. If I want something, I'll go for it (within reason of course!). I've approached this new chapter in my life with passion, gusto, enthusiam and excitement. It's been a wonderful couple of years and I've learned so very much about myself.

I enjoy the single life and all it's brought me. So for now I'll keep on keeping on. But I'll keep an eye on the dating Budda.