Short or long?

Yesterday I was speaking to a work associate and she asked how long I had been single. When I answered, "3+ years," she said, "oh, that isn't that long."

As I was thinking about that this morning, I wondered if it felt long or short to me. My conclusion? Depends on the day. However, it got me to start thinking about all the things I've done and experienced.

• taught classes at the local university.
• been laid off of work twice (typical for advertising agencies)
• started my own little freelance business twice
• taken lessons at the local art co-op
• been to Italy with the Wingwoman
• had a few parties
• had a few bottles of wine
• remodeled my kitchen
• been on lots of dates; some wonderful, some not so much
• fallen in love twice
• had my heart bruised twice
• met a variety of men and women from many different walks of life
• bruised a few hearts or a least some egos
• had a surprise birthday party given for me
• learned a lot about myself, including how strong I am
• biked 20 miles on one ride
• hiked more than 7 miles in one afternoon

And that's just what I can think of right now! As I look at this list, I'm amazed and grateful.
And so I move on....

Giving thanks

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family and some birthday celebrating with friends, I thought that this time of year is a good time to reflect and give thanks for all I have.

During the last three and half years of being single, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and I'm truly grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to meet different people, male and female, from a variety of walks of life. I've had people who have helped me along the way with friendship, wisdom and guidance. I've learned about relationships and love both lost and found. I've discovered my inner strength and what is truly important to me.

These lessons are gifts and I thank everyone for them.

Wingwoman and Best Friend T: how can I thank you for all the advice, laughter, silliness and strength you have given me?
Torch: you taught me how to be single, make a community from friends, and that I could date again
D&D: your relationship is a wonderful study on how things can be done in face of differences
Social Worker: you have taught me that my heart can be open again, even if it might get bruised along the way
Pilot: your boundless friendship is a gift

And for all the others too numerous to mention, I thank you for the bottom of my heart.

And so I move on.....

Special visitor

Today I saw an old friend from Minneapolis. It's been about 9.5 years since we've seen each and she looks wonderful! Just the same. She and her husband were visiting his relatives a few hours away and made the drive just to see me. The sad part is that it seemed so comfortable seeing her that it was hard to believe she isn't just around the corner.

She and he have a lovely story. Neither had ever married until they were in their early 40s. They met and have a really strong, wonderful relationship. I've learned from her that you shouldn't settle. The right person is out there somewhere. Now if I can remember that!

Anyway, thanks to her and her sweet husband for coming all this way just to have a quick lunch and visit. I'm so blessed with my friends and hope they feel the same. I miss you already!

And so I move on.....

Too much vanilla

I had a couple of days left on one of my online dating sites after the break-up with SW, so I decided to "show" my profile for the last couple of days and see what happened.

I got a wink and then a nice email from a guy I'll call The Agent. While his photos were just regular-joe photos, his emails were nice and intelligent. So when he offered to meet for lunch early this week, I said yes.

We got to the restaurant and had a nice, friendly time. But there was no interest on my part. He was vanilla, middle of the road, melba toast. Just nothing sparked me at all. Of course, I was polite and nice. He seems to be a good guy and was easy to talk to. But again, none of that elusive chemistry.

At the end of the lunch, I offered to pay for my lunch as I usually do. This is a courtesy to the date, especially if he's not interested. He welcomed my offer and I thought that this was a sign that he felt the same....no real connection there. We walked out, parted ways and went into the sunset.

Strangely, he called the other night to just check in and say hello. He didn't ask for a date and didn't stay on the phone long. Really interesting. Anyway, I've decided that if he calls or emails again, I'll have to let him know up front that I would rather move on and keep looking. Politely and nicely of course.

And so I move on.....

Finding balance

After the last conversation, the phone has been quiet and I'm glad for it. So I'm taking this time to look at all my behaviors, my goals, my process. I know that I want to find a partner, perhaps someone to marry, but I'm learning and growing and understanding that this is a process that I just can't control.

With the SW, I leapt in even with some "deal-breakers" right in front of me. I need to remember that I've labeled things deal breakers for a reason, and I need to stay true to myself. While I think it's good for me to keep dating and meeting people, I wat to make sure that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I want to think about what I want and concentrate on taking nothing less.

And so I move on.....

The end

Well, after another conversation with the SW last evening, I'm declaring the relationship officially over. I kept hoping that things would smooth over and we could find a way to repair something, but it's just not meant to be. I'm getting mixed messages all over the place and think it's high time that I stop letting him affect me this way. I'm not going to change some fundamental things about me, and his situation and responsibilities won't either.

I'm philosophical about this relationship and will look for the lessons here. And in the future (months and months from now), perhaps we can be friends.

And so I move on...

One more

After last Wednesday's call I thought that SW wouldn't check in again for a while. After all, I had pressed about the break up and he has shown lately how much he wants to shy away from that conversation.

However, Thursday afternoon the phone rang and it was him. I actually laughed and told him that he constantly surprised me. He asked why and I answered that because after the last conversation I thought it would be a while before we talked again. We continued to have a fun, light conversation with him making slight reference to us seeing each other in November. This is because his second job will slow down in that month. I told him that I was not holding my breath. Again, we hung up friendly and casual.

The confusion about this still lingers, but I'm trying to just go with the flow. One friend believes that SW likes the chase and then when reality hits, he leaves. Another thinks that he can't commit to stay, but he can't commit to actually leave either.

Me? I just think he's a man who has a ton on his plate and wants to have a relationship, but just can't seem to make it work right now in his llife. I do believe we have a strong connection, but I also know intellectually that all his obligations and responsibilities make this a relationship that would be tough sledding.

And so I move on....

Not quite finished

During the past 10 days or so, I've been working to find closure, understanding and peace about the SW and I breaking it off. I'm trying to really listen and observe actions and not make things more wonderful than they are.

To that end, I've written some letters to SW just to clear my mind. Of course, they find the trash quickly, but it's good therapy for someone who is a writer by trade.

Then Monday afternoon, the phone rang and it was the SW. He called in a chatty mood. He had a bad day at work; one of the students in his school had died over the weekend. He had worked with the young lady and her family for about a year. I believe that he wanted just to talk and to just have someone listen. I made a conscious decision not to talk about our situation, just to be a friend. We hung up after a friendly chat with no promises or accusations.

Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang again. (We often talked early in the morning when he was making his 45 minute commute.) It started out as a friendly chat, a continuation of the afternoon before. But I decided that if he could reach out, I needed to clear the air about how I have been feeling. So I dove right in, with respect of course, and asked what had happened. I didn't get a really solid answer, more waffling, but at least I started the conversation.

I think that to stay true to me, I need to ask these tough questions. He's been avoiding things like an 18-yr-old, and I think that he needs to honor the relationship we did have, something he pushed with the "I love you" so early and often.

SW actually called again that morning, to "finish" the conversation. While I don't think it's all quite finished yet, I'm finding a good balance between letting him know that my feelings are valid and trying to understand his feelings and that whatever happened probably was more on him and his issues than anything I can control.

And so I move on.

Cruel to be kind?

Well, another weekend has passed and I'm still working to get over the SW. The last phone call I had was last Wednesday morning and I thought, once again from his comments, that we would stay friends and perhaps date once in a while. However, there hasn't been any word at all since then. And because one of my rules is to not chase people, I've not reached out other than a short email after his last phone call.

This morning I was wondering about it, and thought that perhaps he is cutting most communication as a way to help the separation, rather than dragging something out. Each phone call and email is a little bit of hope for me, and he doesn't want to give me false hope. I know that it probably a way to think about it that makes ME feel better, but it's still hard. You get used to seeing someone, talking to them every day, hearing how wonderful you are together. Then nothing. The rejection and the disappointment are difficult.

On an up note, most of my friends have been supportive and affirmative, reminding me that taking the chance on relationships takes a lot of guts and work and that they are proud of me. They also remind me that if I found something like the wonderfulness with the SW, I will find it again.

Finally, to help me remember all the challenges that this relationship had from the beginning, I wrote a list and posted it to my bathroom mirror. It helps me remember that there WERE challenges from the beginning, instead of forming a "halo" of perfection on the relationship.

And so I move on.

Tough weekend

Well, after the hopeful phone call last Thursday morning, I haven't heard a word from the Social Worker. I'm hurt and confused and angry. As I look back at the relationship, I feel that he is responsible for moving it so fast. I was very cautious and slow, only getting caught up after a few weeks of his positive feedback about us. I'm still not sure how things changed so fast. And It's hard for my personality to understand that I may never understand or get real closure.

Intellectually, I know there are many challenges to us being a couple for long-term. The kids, the lifestyles, financials, etc. But my heart is hurt. I know enough that you just don't find people that you have an attraction with. The SW was attractive to me on an intellectual level, a physical level and a emotional level.

I'll work this week on getting past this hurt, and subsequent lonliness, that I'm feeling. And then I'll move on. As always.