Well, after the hopeful phone call last Thursday morning, I haven't heard a word from the Social Worker. I'm hurt and confused and angry. As I look back at the relationship, I feel that he is responsible for moving it so fast. I was very cautious and slow, only getting caught up after a few weeks of his positive feedback about us. I'm still not sure how things changed so fast. And It's hard for my personality to understand that I may never understand or get real closure.
Intellectually, I know there are many challenges to us being a couple for long-term. The kids, the lifestyles, financials, etc. But my heart is hurt. I know enough that you just don't find people that you have an attraction with. The SW was attractive to me on an intellectual level, a physical level and a emotional level.
I'll work this week on getting past this hurt, and subsequent lonliness, that I'm feeling. And then I'll move on. As always.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Slow and go
This morning SW called. I was happy and nervous to talk with him. I didn't want to cry again after an on-off day of sad tears on Wednesday.
He let me know about some work issues that we had talked about and how they resolved. We then switched to a talk about us. SW said that he had missed talking to me and that he was thinking about me. I asked him what he wanted to do about us seeing each other. He said that he'd like to see each other and that he had real feelings for me, but he had so many pressures on him. I let him know that I would be happy to date slowly and casually.
Although we started out with a bang, this type of dating makes a lot more sense for two people who haven't known each other that long. He asked if we could do that (dating casually) since we both are the types of people who jump right in. I assured him it was fine. I let him know that he didn't have to call me every day (something he had initiated), that he could call and make a date and then not need to check in every day.
He said that it could work as long as I didn't get mad for him not calling every day. I reminded him that I've not been like that through the whole beginning and that I was mature and understanding about all the things in his life. He acknowledged that I was not like that and that he knew I was a mature and open person.
I did let him know that I had some parameters about dating casually...honesty and trust and just dating each other unless we told each other. He let me know that all that was very OK with him.
We left the conversation on a good note, talking about the kids and work and such. We didn't make a next date, but I didn't expect that. I do expect a different sort of relationship, but I believe it will be much more in line with reality.
And so I move on....with optimism.
He let me know about some work issues that we had talked about and how they resolved. We then switched to a talk about us. SW said that he had missed talking to me and that he was thinking about me. I asked him what he wanted to do about us seeing each other. He said that he'd like to see each other and that he had real feelings for me, but he had so many pressures on him. I let him know that I would be happy to date slowly and casually.
Although we started out with a bang, this type of dating makes a lot more sense for two people who haven't known each other that long. He asked if we could do that (dating casually) since we both are the types of people who jump right in. I assured him it was fine. I let him know that he didn't have to call me every day (something he had initiated), that he could call and make a date and then not need to check in every day.
He said that it could work as long as I didn't get mad for him not calling every day. I reminded him that I've not been like that through the whole beginning and that I was mature and understanding about all the things in his life. He acknowledged that I was not like that and that he knew I was a mature and open person.
I did let him know that I had some parameters about dating casually...honesty and trust and just dating each other unless we told each other. He let me know that all that was very OK with him.
We left the conversation on a good note, talking about the kids and work and such. We didn't make a next date, but I didn't expect that. I do expect a different sort of relationship, but I believe it will be much more in line with reality.
And so I move on....with optimism.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Difficult evening
Tonight the Social Worker and I had a difficult talk. It had to do with him being stretched to the limit with the kids, a full-time job, a part-time job and me. He vocalized that he was not sure what was going on, but that he was feeling like he was pulling away from me. And he just wasn't sure why.
He was the one who went full-bore into this just 2 months ago. I was cautious, taking my time. But I admit that I was bowled over by the attention, the sweet words, the hours of good conversation. Lately things have slowed down, but I attributed it to the nature of life. He was still calling daily, writing emails every few days and generally keeping things the same.
As I've said before, there are many differences and challenges to a relationship with him. I was taking the tack that only time will tell and I was attracted to him enough to put some time in. Heck, I'm still amazed at him and feel so many good emotions around him.
Anyway, the talk last about an hour and then he took his leave. I'm not sure if we will stop dating all together, or just pull way back and continue to enjoy each other's company as a dating couple. I assured him that I would like to keep seeing each other, but that I understood that if I was just not his girl, so be it. He said that he would call, but I'm not sure when and want to give him his space.
It's hard for me to understand how we went from 0 to 60 back to 20. I feel sad, mad and even foolish. When I talked to both the Wingwoman and Best Friend T tonight, they both assured me that having the guts, courage and open heart to let myself feel these emotions are all good, and not foolish. And that is why they are my best friends.
And so I move on.
He was the one who went full-bore into this just 2 months ago. I was cautious, taking my time. But I admit that I was bowled over by the attention, the sweet words, the hours of good conversation. Lately things have slowed down, but I attributed it to the nature of life. He was still calling daily, writing emails every few days and generally keeping things the same.
As I've said before, there are many differences and challenges to a relationship with him. I was taking the tack that only time will tell and I was attracted to him enough to put some time in. Heck, I'm still amazed at him and feel so many good emotions around him.
Anyway, the talk last about an hour and then he took his leave. I'm not sure if we will stop dating all together, or just pull way back and continue to enjoy each other's company as a dating couple. I assured him that I would like to keep seeing each other, but that I understood that if I was just not his girl, so be it. He said that he would call, but I'm not sure when and want to give him his space.
It's hard for me to understand how we went from 0 to 60 back to 20. I feel sad, mad and even foolish. When I talked to both the Wingwoman and Best Friend T tonight, they both assured me that having the guts, courage and open heart to let myself feel these emotions are all good, and not foolish. And that is why they are my best friends.
And so I move on.
Monday, October 01, 2007
The "L" word
Well, it's been 50 days with the Social Worker and I'm even more attracted to him than ever. We've been spending as much time together as well can, along with phone calls and emails. We never seem to run out of things to talk about, things to discuss, things to discover.
This past weekend, he had the girls with him, so we did a family dinner on Friday night out at a restaurant, then a dinner at his house with the girls last night. If I didn't think he was an amazing man, just watching him with the girls is enough to give me a full heart. He's so wonderful with them and you can just feel how much he loves and treasures them.
We also got to sneak away to the back yard for some adult time. We talked about how much we enjoy seeing each other, even if it's not private time. During the conversation, he said that he's totally in love with me and how happy and lucky he was. I told him that I loved him as well. Quite a moment between us. Then, it was back in the house to see if one girl had taken her bath and to put one to bed.
And so I move on with a very happy life right now.
This past weekend, he had the girls with him, so we did a family dinner on Friday night out at a restaurant, then a dinner at his house with the girls last night. If I didn't think he was an amazing man, just watching him with the girls is enough to give me a full heart. He's so wonderful with them and you can just feel how much he loves and treasures them.
We also got to sneak away to the back yard for some adult time. We talked about how much we enjoy seeing each other, even if it's not private time. During the conversation, he said that he's totally in love with me and how happy and lucky he was. I told him that I loved him as well. Quite a moment between us. Then, it was back in the house to see if one girl had taken her bath and to put one to bed.
And so I move on with a very happy life right now.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Still sparking
This week finds the Social Worker and I hitting a new, but very nice stride. After a weekend away (I went to see my family for Mom's 70th birthday), we are settling into a much for realistic rythmn. We both are working to make sure the other gets some space to get life (laundry, freelance, grocery shopping) organized. I think we both would like to see each other 24/7, but know that neither is going anywhere at the moment, so we can sit back and relax a little.
On Sunday evening, the Social Worker met me and Wingwoman at Wingwoman's house for an impromptu dinner. It was lovely and fun and I'm glad that they are getting to know one another. The Wingwoman approves of SW, even with all the baggage. She sees how nice and sweet he is and how happy he makes me. It's so wonderful to have friends that care about you.
And last night SW cooked me a special dinner at his house. While the dinner was good, but not great, the effort was so greatly appreciated. He is so sweet and thoughtful and happy to spend time with me. It's a lovely, lovely feeling. We were at a point where we were all worrying about the future and how we would handle the family stuff, but for now we are just enjoying being together. This was something we both had projected and I think it's how our heads are wired. I'm glad that we are both on the same path and one is not ahead of the other.
On Sunday evening, the Social Worker met me and Wingwoman at Wingwoman's house for an impromptu dinner. It was lovely and fun and I'm glad that they are getting to know one another. The Wingwoman approves of SW, even with all the baggage. She sees how nice and sweet he is and how happy he makes me. It's so wonderful to have friends that care about you.
And last night SW cooked me a special dinner at his house. While the dinner was good, but not great, the effort was so greatly appreciated. He is so sweet and thoughtful and happy to spend time with me. It's a lovely, lovely feeling. We were at a point where we were all worrying about the future and how we would handle the family stuff, but for now we are just enjoying being together. This was something we both had projected and I think it's how our heads are wired. I'm glad that we are both on the same path and one is not ahead of the other.
Friday, September 14, 2007
After the thunderbolt, reality
The Social Worker and I have made it over the 30 day mark. We still love being in each other's company, but life and practicality has been sinking in. Neither of us have been getting things done....laundry, mowing the grass, freelance work, etc. Plus the SW has three kids to take care of on a part-time basis.
Last evening we had a more practical talk. Although we would both love to see each other every free moment, we need to start looking at real life. And in that turn, I also need to think about how I feel about giving up the easy, single, dating life for a more permanent relationship that includes an instant family.
The romantic side of me believes that this love needs to play out. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. But it's a tough call for me. I've never been in a serious relationship that had others who needed to come first (the kids). I'm not a selfish person, and everyone who knows me tells me that I'd be a good mom. But at 46 (soon to be 47!), am I up to this. The kids are young and I would be signing up for a long stint.
I keep moving between wanting to just jump right in, live this life that has the possibilities to be filled with love and joy, and staying in the life that I know and enjoy.
And so I keep thinking......
Last evening we had a more practical talk. Although we would both love to see each other every free moment, we need to start looking at real life. And in that turn, I also need to think about how I feel about giving up the easy, single, dating life for a more permanent relationship that includes an instant family.
The romantic side of me believes that this love needs to play out. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. But it's a tough call for me. I've never been in a serious relationship that had others who needed to come first (the kids). I'm not a selfish person, and everyone who knows me tells me that I'd be a good mom. But at 46 (soon to be 47!), am I up to this. The kids are young and I would be signing up for a long stint.
I keep moving between wanting to just jump right in, live this life that has the possibilities to be filled with love and joy, and staying in the life that I know and enjoy.
And so I keep thinking......
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Calendar days
Well, the Social Worker (SW) and I are still having a wonderful time. Last night I had dinner with him and his 2 girls. They are lovely young ladies and we had a great time.
After we dropped them off, we came over to my house. We talked a lot about how rare it is to feel like this about someone and have them feel the same way about you. How life is so short and not many people get to experience this kind of emotion. We both tend to feel and thing the same way and it's still so amazing.
Also, it's only been 15 days. So we're trying to just take deep cleansing breaths and slow things down. We've been talking about the 30-day mark and the 6-month mark. We feel like if we still feel the same way (or more!) for each other, then things will be very, very good.
I'm constantly amazed at his depth of thought. Today he told me that I was so beautiful on the inside, and that's what made me beautiful on the outside. Wow.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
It's like thunder, it's like lightening
Wow! Where to start? I put myself back on one of my online dating services after I got back from the traditional family beach vacation. I started getting some good hits this time. Lots of nice, new guys out there. And not a lot of fishing pictures, Harley riding pictures or standing-in-front of my truck pictures!
I had told myself that I was not going to be super-aggressive this time with lots of winks and emails. Rather my tactic was just to see what would come to me. A few came to me and we started some nice conversations over email. But I wasn't feeling anything huge. So I decided to wink very selectively on afternoon and see what happened.
One of the guys will now be known as the Social Worker. I winked, he wrote back a nice, short note. Then I wrote, then he wrote more. Pretty soon we had exchanged phone numbers and spent on night on the phone until 2:00 a.m. He presented himself as smart and witty, with lot of things going on in his life.
We made plans to have an introductory "ice cream" meeting on the coming Saturday. But on Friday night, my phone rang and it was him. He said that plans had changed and would I like to meet that evening instead. We had such good chemistry on the phone that I agreed. We met in a groovy little part of town to get coffee (him) and ice cream (me).
And honestly, it was like a thunderbolt hit. Both of us. The chemistry was so thick and real you could almost see it in the air. We talked, we ate ice cream, we walked in the summer night. We hardly wanted to part. When I got home, he called and we talked more until 2:00 a.m.
And the topics were not just about favorite places to eat and family stories. We went right for the good stuff--dreams, goals, fears, pains. It was amazing to me.
Well, this was about 11 days ago and we're both still reeling from this electrical storm we've walked into. There's lots of baggage, lots of differences, lots of challenges. But when I look at him I see into his eyes straight into his heart and soul. And it's so wonderful. I don't think I've ever had this feeling before. Ever.
We've seen each other as much as we can in the last days. And every day is wonderful. But there is pain too. The challenges to me are large and could alter my life. We're not only talking about dating and being boyfriend and girlfriend, but making a real move to commit to each other, whatever that looks like.
I need help. I need oxygen. I need to see him again today.
Wow.
I had told myself that I was not going to be super-aggressive this time with lots of winks and emails. Rather my tactic was just to see what would come to me. A few came to me and we started some nice conversations over email. But I wasn't feeling anything huge. So I decided to wink very selectively on afternoon and see what happened.
One of the guys will now be known as the Social Worker. I winked, he wrote back a nice, short note. Then I wrote, then he wrote more. Pretty soon we had exchanged phone numbers and spent on night on the phone until 2:00 a.m. He presented himself as smart and witty, with lot of things going on in his life.
We made plans to have an introductory "ice cream" meeting on the coming Saturday. But on Friday night, my phone rang and it was him. He said that plans had changed and would I like to meet that evening instead. We had such good chemistry on the phone that I agreed. We met in a groovy little part of town to get coffee (him) and ice cream (me).
And honestly, it was like a thunderbolt hit. Both of us. The chemistry was so thick and real you could almost see it in the air. We talked, we ate ice cream, we walked in the summer night. We hardly wanted to part. When I got home, he called and we talked more until 2:00 a.m.
And the topics were not just about favorite places to eat and family stories. We went right for the good stuff--dreams, goals, fears, pains. It was amazing to me.
Well, this was about 11 days ago and we're both still reeling from this electrical storm we've walked into. There's lots of baggage, lots of differences, lots of challenges. But when I look at him I see into his eyes straight into his heart and soul. And it's so wonderful. I don't think I've ever had this feeling before. Ever.
We've seen each other as much as we can in the last days. And every day is wonderful. But there is pain too. The challenges to me are large and could alter my life. We're not only talking about dating and being boyfriend and girlfriend, but making a real move to commit to each other, whatever that looks like.
I need help. I need oxygen. I need to see him again today.
Wow.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Power Bar
My friend the Tri-Girl said something a while ago that has been ringing in my ears. She and I were talking about The Torch and she said, "He has too much power over you."
Wow. A strong statement. But as I think about it, it might be true. Over the last three years I've used a lot of energy thinking, worrying and wondering about The Torch. While we have a great time together, enjoying each other's company, talking for hours, he is still the non-commital person he always was.
I want him as a friend, but need to start thinking less and less of him as a romantic tie.
And so I move on.
Wow. A strong statement. But as I think about it, it might be true. Over the last three years I've used a lot of energy thinking, worrying and wondering about The Torch. While we have a great time together, enjoying each other's company, talking for hours, he is still the non-commital person he always was.
I want him as a friend, but need to start thinking less and less of him as a romantic tie.
And so I move on.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Slow learner
Last weekend The Torch and I, along with friends D & D, went to my hometown of Pittsburgh for a weekend of fun. Don't get all excited. Torch and I were going strictly as friends, although I was still wishing that we were dating steadily again.
And while the weekend was very fun with a professional baseball game, a wonderful art exhibit (www.chihuly.com), some lovely talks and a brunch at my Doppleganger's home, it got me to thinking again about the relationship between myself and Torch. While I want, with all my heart, for him to be able to open up and really enjoy a more romantic relationship with me, I am beginning to see that it's just not going to happen. I know, I know. Hit me in the head with a 2x4.
I just see how other relationships around me are, and he can't/won't give that to me. And I need to value myself enough to go for the type of relationship I deserve. He's fine to be friends, even good friends. But he can't/won't be able to be any more than that. I saw D & D this past weekend and they are such a nice couple. He made her tea in the morning. She shared her appetizer with him. These little things make me understand that there's more out there. And I want it.
This is not a new revelation for me. I've been here before with Torch. I guess I just need to let the lesson sink in deeper this time. He's not a bad guy. It's that he's not the guy for me now.
And so I move on.
And while the weekend was very fun with a professional baseball game, a wonderful art exhibit (www.chihuly.com), some lovely talks and a brunch at my Doppleganger's home, it got me to thinking again about the relationship between myself and Torch. While I want, with all my heart, for him to be able to open up and really enjoy a more romantic relationship with me, I am beginning to see that it's just not going to happen. I know, I know. Hit me in the head with a 2x4.
I just see how other relationships around me are, and he can't/won't give that to me. And I need to value myself enough to go for the type of relationship I deserve. He's fine to be friends, even good friends. But he can't/won't be able to be any more than that. I saw D & D this past weekend and they are such a nice couple. He made her tea in the morning. She shared her appetizer with him. These little things make me understand that there's more out there. And I want it.
This is not a new revelation for me. I've been here before with Torch. I guess I just need to let the lesson sink in deeper this time. He's not a bad guy. It's that he's not the guy for me now.
And so I move on.
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