Calendar days

Well, the Social Worker (SW) and I are still having a wonderful time. Last night I had dinner with him and his 2 girls. They are lovely young ladies and we had a great time.

After we dropped them off, we came over to my house. We talked a lot about how rare it is to feel like this about someone and have them feel the same way about you. How life is so short and not many people get to experience this kind of emotion. We both tend to feel and thing the same way and it's still so amazing.

Also, it's only been 15 days. So we're trying to just take deep cleansing breaths and slow things down. We've been talking about the 30-day mark and the 6-month mark. We feel like if we still feel the same way (or more!) for each other, then things will be very, very good.

I'm constantly amazed at his depth of thought. Today he told me that I was so beautiful on the inside, and that's what made me beautiful on the outside. Wow.

It's like thunder, it's like lightening

Wow! Where to start? I put myself back on one of my online dating services after I got back from the traditional family beach vacation. I started getting some good hits this time. Lots of nice, new guys out there. And not a lot of fishing pictures, Harley riding pictures or standing-in-front of my truck pictures!

I had told myself that I was not going to be super-aggressive this time with lots of winks and emails. Rather my tactic was just to see what would come to me. A few came to me and we started some nice conversations over email. But I wasn't feeling anything huge. So I decided to wink very selectively on afternoon and see what happened.

One of the guys will now be known as the Social Worker. I winked, he wrote back a nice, short note. Then I wrote, then he wrote more. Pretty soon we had exchanged phone numbers and spent on night on the phone until 2:00 a.m. He presented himself as smart and witty, with lot of things going on in his life.

We made plans to have an introductory "ice cream" meeting on the coming Saturday. But on Friday night, my phone rang and it was him. He said that plans had changed and would I like to meet that evening instead. We had such good chemistry on the phone that I agreed. We met in a groovy little part of town to get coffee (him) and ice cream (me).

And honestly, it was like a thunderbolt hit. Both of us. The chemistry was so thick and real you could almost see it in the air. We talked, we ate ice cream, we walked in the summer night. We hardly wanted to part. When I got home, he called and we talked more until 2:00 a.m.

And the topics were not just about favorite places to eat and family stories. We went right for the good stuff--dreams, goals, fears, pains. It was amazing to me.

Well, this was about 11 days ago and we're both still reeling from this electrical storm we've walked into. There's lots of baggage, lots of differences, lots of challenges. But when I look at him I see into his eyes straight into his heart and soul. And it's so wonderful. I don't think I've ever had this feeling before. Ever.

We've seen each other as much as we can in the last days. And every day is wonderful. But there is pain too. The challenges to me are large and could alter my life. We're not only talking about dating and being boyfriend and girlfriend, but making a real move to commit to each other, whatever that looks like.

I need help. I need oxygen. I need to see him again today.

Wow.

Power Bar

My friend the Tri-Girl said something a while ago that has been ringing in my ears. She and I were talking about The Torch and she said, "He has too much power over you."

Wow. A strong statement. But as I think about it, it might be true. Over the last three years I've used a lot of energy thinking, worrying and wondering about The Torch. While we have a great time together, enjoying each other's company, talking for hours, he is still the non-commital person he always was.

I want him as a friend, but need to start thinking less and less of him as a romantic tie.

And so I move on.

Slow learner

Last weekend The Torch and I, along with friends D & D, went to my hometown of Pittsburgh for a weekend of fun. Don't get all excited. Torch and I were going strictly as friends, although I was still wishing that we were dating steadily again.

And while the weekend was very fun with a professional baseball game, a wonderful art exhibit (www.chihuly.com), some lovely talks and a brunch at my Doppleganger's home, it got me to thinking again about the relationship between myself and Torch. While I want, with all my heart, for him to be able to open up and really enjoy a more romantic relationship with me, I am beginning to see that it's just not going to happen. I know, I know. Hit me in the head with a 2x4.

I just see how other relationships around me are, and he can't/won't give that to me. And I need to value myself enough to go for the type of relationship I deserve. He's fine to be friends, even good friends. But he can't/won't be able to be any more than that. I saw D & D this past weekend and they are such a nice couple. He made her tea in the morning. She shared her appetizer with him. These little things make me understand that there's more out there. And I want it.

This is not a new revelation for me. I've been here before with Torch. I guess I just need to let the lesson sink in deeper this time. He's not a bad guy. It's that he's not the guy for me now.

And so I move on.

A date with myself

Tonight I went on a date with myself. I didn't wear a baseball hat to cover my receding hairline, I didn't talk about fishing, I didn't keep looking at my chest. (Well, actually I did, but only to check to make sure my bra was peeking out!).

I was calm and thoughtful and good company. I took myself to a concert to support a friend who was playing in a concert band. Then I took myself out for ice cream and sat outside and watched a little part of the world go by.

What a nice evening.

Please learn to spell

I was looking over the Match listing the other night and came across a nice photo. Good smile. Lots of silver hair. So I decide to read the profile. To my dismay, this is his LEADING sentence:

"this year I'm going to work on a new goal. To go on long bile rides."

Oh my goodness! As you may know, even if you're just browsing, the first few sentences on the man's profile shows. This is his first impression.

*Sassy shakes her head*

And this guy sits wondering why no women are approaching him.

Too fast?

I switched out my photo on one of my dating websites and have gotten some hits. One is from a guy that emailed and even talked to me over the phone about a year ago. He was nice in his email. I brought up the fact that I thought that we had talked before. I can not remember why we never met, but I'm thinking there was probably a good reason.

Anyway, without a lot of chit-chat on email he wants to meet for coffee. My gut is saying that he's moving too fast. A kinda of desperate feeling is flagging at me. And I'm torn. Just an hour coffee date is easy to take. On the other hand, why should I waste my time?

Kittens and Cougars

As I'm sitting at my computer this evening, I saw a promo on the TV for a new show called "The Age of Love." The premise is that they have one bachelor and two sets of women vying for his attention. One is called the Cougars, 40 and over women. The other is called the Kittens and they are in their 20s.

I suppose that it will show that some women who are in their 40s can be just as sexy and good looking as the 20 year olds. Now, I almost typed "smart" in that sentance too. But that woud be wrong. I'm sure that none of them were chosen for a TV show for their brains. I'm sure some of them are quite intelligent, but this show is so much about looks and clevege and such that it just turns me off.

At 40+, everyone is experiencing some changes in their looks and bodies. It doesn't mean that you have to let yourself go, but I'd like to think that people eventually bond and love each other for what's inside. My heart is full...and young.

Zen and the Art of Dating

Lately (as past posts have said) I'm trying to approach my relationship and (perhaps) dating The Torch with a Zen-like quality. As I said it to the Wingwoman the other night:

It's like I've been trying to make a river go where I want it to go. So I push and pull and struggle and get exhausted.
Now (after a very enlightening discussion early Spring with Torch), I am letting the relationship just be what it is. Enjoying our time together, being calm and just being me.

Lovely day with the Torch

Well, The Torch and I had a wonderful date yesterday. Per his suggestion, we headed west via the back roads to a lovely vineyard in the mountains. On our drive out there, he asked if I had ever been to Elk Hill Farm. I answered, "no" and off we turned onto a little country road.

As we turned left, the most wonderful old house came into view. It was an old (1750s?) mansion that is situated on top of a gorgeous piece of property in the middle of almost nowhere. It is slightly falling apart, but somehow the Torch would just know that I would love it. We walked around the property, talked about how cool it would be to live there with lots of big dogs, books and rocking chairs. I honestly felt like he had given me this jewel of a gift to show me this.

Next stop was a little canal town that's been flooded lots of time. Torch mentioned that they had a cool little museum there (kind of an outside display) about the town, the floods, the river, the canal and the flat bottom boats. We walked around, looked at all the history and enjoyed the small town.

Finally we were off to the winery. A pretty little place in the mountains (or perhaps foothills is a better term). After a tasting of some yummy wine, we got a cold bottle and proceeded to sit in the sun, eat our picnic lunch and talk and talk. After a couple of hours, we packed up and headed back to our town about an hour and 20 minutes away.

At my home, we made dinner (Torch supplied steaks) and lounged in the lovely evening on the deck while sipping wine and talking. At the end of the night we went our separate ways. And a wonderful time was had by all.