Singles and 45s

Halloween Fun!

2008-11-03T09:28:00.002-05:00

Lovely evening

2008-10-17T18:03:00.003-04:00

This past Wednesday morning, The Boyfriend asked if I wanted to go out to dinner. Backstory: a few weeks ago I got an expense check from something that I'd forgotten about. When it came, I mentioned that we should splurge on a nice dinner.

We chose a restaurant downtown in the arts district, much fancier than we usually can afford. White tablecloths, multiple forks, etc. Anyway, we split a delicious bottle of wine (a Malbec), shared a huge bowl of mussels in white wine and garlic (yum), shared the pear and gorgonzola on greens. Lovely start. The Boyfriend and I both dressed up a bit and enjoyed just relaxing and talking and sharing stories. He was sweet, complimentary and even romantic. While that's not unheard of, these last months have been more of everyday living (feed the cats, go to work, mow the lawn, cook dinner). It was nice to remember the wonderful, funny, smart man that I was attracted to over a year ago.

As we were talking, Boyfriend said that I had turned into his best friend. I was so flattered and honored. I know he does not say things lightly or glibly.

Our entrees were handmade ravioli with beef, fontina and herbs in a cream tomato sauce (me) and a broiled seafood plate (him). We ended the night with chocolate mousse and a slice of cheesecake. All in all, a fine meal and a lovely evening.

All is well

2008-09-28T10:27:00.003-04:00

Hard to believe that September is almost over. And where the heck did August go?

Anyway, The Boyfriend and I have had a nice month. We went cabin camping with friends and had a lovely weekend. Very nice weather. The best part for me might have been the canoeing, since The Boyfriend paddles and I just sit there and soak up the scenery. He was an awesome gondelier, taking us over some rocky patches since the creek was low due to Virginia's drought. We also hosted his 2 children at my deck for a little cookout and then had Boyfriend's brother, nephews and boys over for a football game.

We've also had a few little tiffs this month, but I'm still amazed at his ability to keep calm and work things out. Usually it's me over-reacting to something and him just bringing me quietly and calmly back to the center. Much, much different than the former husband. And I'm still enjoying his generosity and kindness, things that I appreciated when I first met him.

The other day when my head was just pounding, he did dinner and cleaned up the kitchen and put away the clean dishes for me. Not curing cancer, but showing his love in small, everyday actions. It makes me grateful to have him around.

And so we move on.

All thumbs up!

2008-09-04T19:49:00.002-04:00

Quick update for those who read this....The Boyfriend got a big thumbs up from the family at the beach. My mom, who is wonderfully protective even at my age, said he thought he was unprentious and nice. High praise from the matriarch. Even Twin likes him! Yay!

And if you're asking, he thought my family was cool too. He fit in very well and the 4 days he was with us went really fast.

And so we move on....

Beach and boyfriend

2008-07-29T07:25:00.002-04:00

Well, the annual family beach trip is coming up soon! Yay! I love to totally relax, spend time with the family, swim and read and sleep. And this year, it's going to be a little different. Why?

I've asked the matriarch (the wonderful Mom) if I could bring the boyfriend for a few days. She's graciously said yes. And so has he. Wow. I've never even asked anyone that I was dating to go a family beach trip. The house will be full of all my relatives looking at him and checking to see if he's worthy of me. What pressure!

I'm thinking The Boyfriend is very brave (or very foolish!!!) for going with me. But it also speaks loudly about how much he means to me and visa versa. We've talked about how the days will go and how he will have to figure out how to find his own space if he gets overwhelmed. The other day he asked if he could take his bike, and that seemed like a great way for him to escape he crowds of my sweet, funny family.

Off to find the flip flops!

Asking for it

2008-07-07T13:03:00.002-04:00

Hi all and hope you had a good 4th of July weekend!

I wanted to write once again about the Boyfriend and how wonderful it is to be in a relationship with someone who is communicative and open to having a real adult relationship.

Lately I've been missing the "romance" of a new love. Things have gotten comfortable and while that's all nice, I was missing the sweetness of romance. The other day I had expressed this, very clearly and calmly, to the Boyfriend. Well, last Tuesday, he came through. When he came over for his usual dinner after martial arts class, he was sweet and tender. He took time to kiss me more than usual, gave me compliments, told me how amazing and wonderful I was. It was a lovely evening for us both.

A few days later, as I was still basking in that glow, I asked what had brought that on. He said that he had heard me and wanted to make sure that I got what I needed.

Moral of the story: I am able to ask for what I need and Boyfriend will be there listening. And I hope I do the same for him.

The comfort of comfort

2008-06-27T14:26:00.002-04:00

As the weeks are progressing, The Boyfriend and I are find our own groove, routine, whatever you want to call it. I'm adjusting well to the "next phase" I think.

He comes over in the evenings after his martial arts class to have dinner and I'm enjoying cooking for such an appreciative eater. For those who don't know, he's an ex-high school jock and eats a LOT. He makes time to keep in good shape and eats healthy even if it's portions that would feed a small army of Sassies.

Anyway, the other evening we were sitting on the deck eating dinner and listening to music and the sounds of summer in Virginia. I am really enjoying this time since it's a good time to swap stories, make requests and propose new ideas for what we'd like to do for fun. Whatever we talk about--our weekend before, the week coming up, friends and neighbors, families, what we are thinking--is always fun. We tend to laugh a lot and I love that. We don't always see eye-to-eye, but we are old enough and experienced enough to listen and respectfully disagree.

I have to confess that I still miss the wooing and chase a bit, but I do love the realization that he is my steady, enjoys me and thinks I'm amazing. And that is the comfort of finding the comfortable stage.

Amazing Adult Relationship

2008-06-17T06:27:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, the Boyfriend and I had plans to go downtown dancing. As we got ready to leave my house, a little disagreement insued. I was angry and frustrated; he was frustrated. We argued a little bit, then got in the car to leave. I decided to just be a quiet, knowing that if I talked, I would add to the tension.

When we got to the parking lot, Boyfriend and I got out and he suggested that we walk around the long way. At the corner of Main and 6th he stopped and requested that we talk about what had just happened. He was low-key and quiet about it, but clearly wanted to communicate. Boyfriend asked me what was under my anger and really, truly wanted to see why I was so upset.

When we started talking I noticed his demeanor was calm and logical. I told him that I felt critized, and that my feelings were hurt. He told me that he understood and pointed out that what we were talking about was trivial compared to our relationship. We talked about how I could feel better (a solution!) and decided to go and have a good time dancing.

Saturday we talked a little again and I was just blown away by having a boyfriend that is so calm and understanding. This is showing me that this is a real adult relationship with people who want to communicate and find a place where both can be happy. He also mentioned that he was grateful to have a girlfriend who was willing to be open and communicate and work things out to grow and learn.

Once again, the Boyfriend is proving to be someone I am happy to have in my life.

Constant and consistent

2008-05-15T09:10:00.004-04:00

Well, the Boyfriend and I have passed the 3 month mark and I'm adjusting rather well. Why do I say "adjusting" you ask? Well, with the Boyfriend, the kind of "honeymoon" phase is over and we're now settled into having kind of an everyday life of being a couple. Watching TV, going to the gym, an occasional evening out (contra dancing last Sat). I always like the "goo-goo" phase, but I know that all relationships go past that if they are to continue.

When the Boyfriend and I talked about this a week or more ago, I mentioned that I was sorry to see the first part of the romance fading. He answered that he actually likes to get to the next phase because it shows more of who the person is, and if there is a real staying power to the relationship. Wow. Actually a guy who wants to see what's next. Amazing.

Another thing that I am both amazed about and grateful for is the Boyfriend's consistency in his actions and words. He's dependable, something that I highly value. He's constant in the old-fashioned way....meaning that he is there every day, without fail, without question.

I truly think that he is the real deal. And I'm looking forward to what happens next.

flowers

2008-05-07T08:30:00.002-04:00

Last night the Boyfriend came over after his martial arts class for dinner. In his hands, along with some grapes and bananas and such, was a bouquet of flowers. So sweet. When I asked what the special occasion was, he replied, "just because you're my girlfriend."

I'm constantly tickled with time spent with him. He's a great conversationalist and funny and smart. We have some things in common, but are not twins joined at the hip. I remember that I told him once that I like people who challenge me...and he does.

I'm happy and want to tell everyone!

Busy and quick

2008-04-30T11:01:00.004-04:00

Been a long time since I've visited my blog, but wanted to give a quick update. I'll give a longer one soon, I hope!

Shy guy, although still a friend, was in and out of the picture quite quickly. Although I tried to give him the encouragement to ask me out again, it just didn't happen. Or rather, it happened, but I was ill with a horrid cold, and then he just dropped off. I guess this is why he's still single after 52 years.

Tall Guy, however, now holds the title of "boyfriend." We've been seeing each other steadily since our first outing and have had all kinds of fun. I started off cautiously, but after about a month, I saw such a great person in front of me. He really is committed to exploring a relationship with me and is kind, generous and funny.

more to come.....

Coming out of the woodwork

2008-02-11T10:12:00.000-05:00

Hi all--sorry it's been a long time since posts.

Well, the past three weeks have been a little exciting, frustrating, surprising. On one Thursday about three weeks ago, I heard from not one, but two guys. Both have been friends of late and I was surprised at the interest in me.

Guy 1 (Shy Guy) has been a friend for a few years. He's part of a group of people that all hang around together. He's a shy bachelor, never married. He's friendly and sweet. Anyway, he called and wanted to know if I would like to go to a concert with him. Yes, I said, thinking that it was just part of the group. When he said, "Well, it's a date then" I was slightly taken aback. The concert is actually in May, so he then asked for a date earlier. He was very sweet on the phone, telling me that I made him feel so at ease with my friendly personality. I let him know that I was nervous about the dating a friend part....and that I had dated another man in the group about 3 years before. We decided that we would try a date or two and see how it worked.

So Friday night, Shy Guy and I went out and had a really nice time. He treated me to the ballet, then out for late-night appetizers and wine. He's fun and sweet. The BIG question is: do i feel a physical attraction there? So far, only friendship. But I'm willing to try another date to see.

Guy 2 (Tall Guy) has been a friend a little under a year. Actually, I met him through a singles activity group and we clicked. Then I saw him on one of the online dating sites and approached him to maybe get to know each other better. He kindly responded that he wanted to just be friends and was not really dating anyone. To make a long story short, we kept up a loose friendship, he dating someone else, I dated someone else. He asked me to go dancing one night (as friends with his gal's blessing) , but other than that we just saw each other in group occasions and talked maybe once every 10 days by short emails).

About three weeks ago, he let me know that he and his girlfriend were breaking up and wanted to know if I was free to date. We had some serious in-depth discussion since I didn't want to be his reason for breaking up (they had dated about 5 months) and I didn't want to be a rebound girl. He confessed that after going dancing that night (it was very platonic as we belong to the activity group that dances frequently together), that he has serious doubts that he was even dating the right girl...and that maybe it should have been me.

So the other night, now free from his obligations to the girlfriend, we saw each other for a rather short date. Tall Guy brought over some wine, cheese and crackers and we just talked. I find him very attractive physically, intellectually and emotionally. We are just at the start of getting to know each other, so I'm taking it all really slow. We have another date this coming weekend and hopefully we'll be getting more clairity if this is something we want to continue.

And so i move on!

Thinking about it

2008-01-21T07:36:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been reading a lot and thinking a lot about visualizing what you want to make it come to you. I guess that's the premise behind the book, "The Secret," but I've not read it yet. Also I've read that athletes also use this--they see themselves making the touchdown and feeling the fun of winning.

Anyway, I'm working to use this on my dating and meeting people. OK, meeting men. So I've made myself kind of a special list of the qualities that I would like in a partner. Then I quietly work to think how that person would make me feel.

I've enjoyed this process, and while I'm skeptical at times, it has helped very much in that I know now what I want/need in a partner and this had helped me sort through online profiles and made me realize that I need to use my time with someone who fills most of my list so that I am happy and healthy in my next relationship.

Torch update

2008-01-17T17:57:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, the Torch and I are still being friends and hanging out. After the Social Worker and my bruised heart, I had some thinking to do. And a lot of that thinking about is about the Torch.

I still have deep feelings for him. He is so much of what I want--except in the one thing that is most important. He is honest and kind, smart and interesting. He doesn't smoke and knows his limits in beer. We have our work in common, and have the same sensibilities in a lot of things. It's the commitment. He isn't/can't/won't give me the thing that I want. Whether he is still uptangling things still from his ex-wife, or just doesn't have the huge feelings to make a romantic relationship with me, I can't change it. My thought for him is: I can't ask him to give me what he doesn't have.

Sometimes, feeling lonely or frustrated with my dating life, I have a fantasy where I ask him if he'd like to try again to date, have fun and see what develops. But I know that if it was there, we would have talked about it by now. And I don't want to jeopardize my friendship with him.

And so I move on.

Red flags at night

2008-01-10T18:56:00.001-05:00

I know. I know. I have a lot of catching up to do. So my first entry of the new year will share a story of a guy I met before the holidays.

I had signed up for a group activity--going hiking through one of our local historical cemeteries. This was with an outdoor group through MeetUp.com that I enjoy. As the group assembled, I looked around for someone else that I knew. Since there was no one, I introduced myself around. One man looked kind of interesting to me and we smiled at each other, but nothing more.

The hike started and the company was congenial. It was a cool, damp morning and I love feeling the history swirl around me. The gravestones are fascinating and I enjoyed that atmosphere and the day. As the group got spaced further and further apart, I found myself walking with a man with white hair and a nice smile.

We chatted and talked and had a nice time. He was complimentary to me and we thought that we had a lot in common. He did mentioned that he worked at the local Gap, but I thought he was either kidding or taking a second job at 45 to help with holiday bills. At the end of the tour, he asked if I would like coffee. Sure. Sounds nice.

As we settled in for coffee, more of his story came out. He really did work at the Gap. He was a recovering alcoholic. He was on medication. Gee! How could I have not seen all that? He was perfectly nice, chatting at the cemetary.

And so we parted. But, of course, he called. Told me how lovely I was. How smart and friendly. And those words can feel good sometimes. But as I've learned: pay attention to warning signs. They spell trouble ahead.

Short or long?

2007-12-05T07:03:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was speaking to a work associate and she asked how long I had been single. When I answered, "3+ years," she said, "oh, that isn't that long."

As I was thinking about that this morning, I wondered if it felt long or short to me. My conclusion? Depends on the day. However, it got me to start thinking about all the things I've done and experienced.

• taught classes at the local university.
• been laid off of work twice (typical for advertising agencies)
• started my own little freelance business twice
• taken lessons at the local art co-op
• been to Italy with the Wingwoman
• had a few parties
• had a few bottles of wine
• remodeled my kitchen
• been on lots of dates; some wonderful, some not so much
• fallen in love twice
• had my heart bruised twice
• met a variety of men and women from many different walks of life
• bruised a few hearts or a least some egos
• had a surprise birthday party given for me
• learned a lot about myself, including how strong I am
• biked 20 miles on one ride
• hiked more than 7 miles in one afternoon

And that's just what I can think of right now! As I look at this list, I'm amazed and grateful.
And so I move on....

Giving thanks

2007-11-26T11:47:00.000-05:00

After a wonderful Thanksgiving with my family and some birthday celebrating with friends, I thought that this time of year is a good time to reflect and give thanks for all I have.

During the last three and half years of being single, I've learned a tremendous amount about myself and I'm truly grateful for that. I've had the opportunity to meet different people, male and female, from a variety of walks of life. I've had people who have helped me along the way with friendship, wisdom and guidance. I've learned about relationships and love both lost and found. I've discovered my inner strength and what is truly important to me.

These lessons are gifts and I thank everyone for them.

Wingwoman and Best Friend T: how can I thank you for all the advice, laughter, silliness and strength you have given me?
Torch: you taught me how to be single, make a community from friends, and that I could date again
D&D: your relationship is a wonderful study on how things can be done in face of differences
Social Worker: you have taught me that my heart can be open again, even if it might get bruised along the way
Pilot: your boundless friendship is a gift

And for all the others too numerous to mention, I thank you for the bottom of my heart.

And so I move on.....

Special visitor

2007-11-13T21:14:00.000-05:00

Today I saw an old friend from Minneapolis. It's been about 9.5 years since we've seen each and she looks wonderful! Just the same. She and her husband were visiting his relatives a few hours away and made the drive just to see me. The sad part is that it seemed so comfortable seeing her that it was hard to believe she isn't just around the corner.

She and he have a lovely story. Neither had ever married until they were in their early 40s. They met and have a really strong, wonderful relationship. I've learned from her that you shouldn't settle. The right person is out there somewhere. Now if I can remember that!

Anyway, thanks to her and her sweet husband for coming all this way just to have a quick lunch and visit. I'm so blessed with my friends and hope they feel the same. I miss you already!

And so I move on.....

Too much vanilla

2007-11-08T10:26:00.000-05:00

I had a couple of days left on one of my online dating sites after the break-up with SW, so I decided to "show" my profile for the last couple of days and see what happened.

I got a wink and then a nice email from a guy I'll call The Agent. While his photos were just regular-joe photos, his emails were nice and intelligent. So when he offered to meet for lunch early this week, I said yes.

We got to the restaurant and had a nice, friendly time. But there was no interest on my part. He was vanilla, middle of the road, melba toast. Just nothing sparked me at all. Of course, I was polite and nice. He seems to be a good guy and was easy to talk to. But again, none of that elusive chemistry.

At the end of the lunch, I offered to pay for my lunch as I usually do. This is a courtesy to the date, especially if he's not interested. He welcomed my offer and I thought that this was a sign that he felt the same....no real connection there. We walked out, parted ways and went into the sunset.

Strangely, he called the other night to just check in and say hello. He didn't ask for a date and didn't stay on the phone long. Really interesting. Anyway, I've decided that if he calls or emails again, I'll have to let him know up front that I would rather move on and keep looking. Politely and nicely of course.

And so I move on.....

Finding balance

2007-11-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

After the last conversation, the phone has been quiet and I'm glad for it. So I'm taking this time to look at all my behaviors, my goals, my process. I know that I want to find a partner, perhaps someone to marry, but I'm learning and growing and understanding that this is a process that I just can't control.

With the SW, I leapt in even with some "deal-breakers" right in front of me. I need to remember that I've labeled things deal breakers for a reason, and I need to stay true to myself. While I think it's good for me to keep dating and meeting people, I wat to make sure that I'm doing the right thing for myself. I want to think about what I want and concentrate on taking nothing less.

And so I move on.....

The end

2007-10-31T09:06:00.000-04:00

Well, after another conversation with the SW last evening, I'm declaring the relationship officially over. I kept hoping that things would smooth over and we could find a way to repair something, but it's just not meant to be. I'm getting mixed messages all over the place and think it's high time that I stop letting him affect me this way. I'm not going to change some fundamental things about me, and his situation and responsibilities won't either.

I'm philosophical about this relationship and will look for the lessons here. And in the future (months and months from now), perhaps we can be friends.

And so I move on...

One more

2007-10-29T07:41:00.000-04:00

After last Wednesday's call I thought that SW wouldn't check in again for a while. After all, I had pressed about the break up and he has shown lately how much he wants to shy away from that conversation.

However, Thursday afternoon the phone rang and it was him. I actually laughed and told him that he constantly surprised me. He asked why and I answered that because after the last conversation I thought it would be a while before we talked again. We continued to have a fun, light conversation with him making slight reference to us seeing each other in November. This is because his second job will slow down in that month. I told him that I was not holding my breath. Again, we hung up friendly and casual.

The confusion about this still lingers, but I'm trying to just go with the flow. One friend believes that SW likes the chase and then when reality hits, he leaves. Another thinks that he can't commit to stay, but he can't commit to actually leave either.

Me? I just think he's a man who has a ton on his plate and wants to have a relationship, but just can't seem to make it work right now in his llife. I do believe we have a strong connection, but I also know intellectually that all his obligations and responsibilities make this a relationship that would be tough sledding.

And so I move on....

Not quite finished

2007-10-24T09:31:00.000-04:00

During the past 10 days or so, I've been working to find closure, understanding and peace about the SW and I breaking it off. I'm trying to really listen and observe actions and not make things more wonderful than they are.

To that end, I've written some letters to SW just to clear my mind. Of course, they find the trash quickly, but it's good therapy for someone who is a writer by trade.

Then Monday afternoon, the phone rang and it was the SW. He called in a chatty mood. He had a bad day at work; one of the students in his school had died over the weekend. He had worked with the young lady and her family for about a year. I believe that he wanted just to talk and to just have someone listen. I made a conscious decision not to talk about our situation, just to be a friend. We hung up after a friendly chat with no promises or accusations.

Then Tuesday morning, the phone rang again. (We often talked early in the morning when he was making his 45 minute commute.) It started out as a friendly chat, a continuation of the afternoon before. But I decided that if he could reach out, I needed to clear the air about how I have been feeling. So I dove right in, with respect of course, and asked what had happened. I didn't get a really solid answer, more waffling, but at least I started the conversation.

I think that to stay true to me, I need to ask these tough questions. He's been avoiding things like an 18-yr-old, and I think that he needs to honor the relationship we did have, something he pushed with the "I love you" so early and often.

SW actually called again that morning, to "finish" the conversation. While I don't think it's all quite finished yet, I'm finding a good balance between letting him know that my feelings are valid and trying to understand his feelings and that whatever happened probably was more on him and his issues than anything I can control.

And so I move on.

Cruel to be kind?

2007-10-22T09:29:00.000-04:00

Well, another weekend has passed and I'm still working to get over the SW. The last phone call I had was last Wednesday morning and I thought, once again from his comments, that we would stay friends and perhaps date once in a while. However, there hasn't been any word at all since then. And because one of my rules is to not chase people, I've not reached out other than a short email after his last phone call.

This morning I was wondering about it, and thought that perhaps he is cutting most communication as a way to help the separation, rather than dragging something out. Each phone call and email is a little bit of hope for me, and he doesn't want to give me false hope. I know that it probably a way to think about it that makes ME feel better, but it's still hard. You get used to seeing someone, talking to them every day, hearing how wonderful you are together. Then nothing. The rejection and the disappointment are difficult.

On an up note, most of my friends have been supportive and affirmative, reminding me that taking the chance on relationships takes a lot of guts and work and that they are proud of me. They also remind me that if I found something like the wonderfulness with the SW, I will find it again.

Finally, to help me remember all the challenges that this relationship had from the beginning, I wrote a list and posted it to my bathroom mirror. It helps me remember that there WERE challenges from the beginning, instead of forming a "halo" of perfection on the relationship.

And so I move on.

Tough weekend

2007-10-15T08:58:00.000-04:00

Well, after the hopeful phone call last Thursday morning, I haven't heard a word from the Social Worker. I'm hurt and confused and angry. As I look back at the relationship, I feel that he is responsible for moving it so fast. I was very cautious and slow, only getting caught up after a few weeks of his positive feedback about us. I'm still not sure how things changed so fast. And It's hard for my personality to understand that I may never understand or get real closure.

Intellectually, I know there are many challenges to us being a couple for long-term. The kids, the lifestyles, financials, etc. But my heart is hurt. I know enough that you just don't find people that you have an attraction with. The SW was attractive to me on an intellectual level, a physical level and a emotional level.

I'll work this week on getting past this hurt, and subsequent lonliness, that I'm feeling. And then I'll move on. As always.

Slow and go

2007-10-11T17:46:00.001-04:00

This morning SW called. I was happy and nervous to talk with him. I didn't want to cry again after an on-off day of sad tears on Wednesday.

He let me know about some work issues that we had talked about and how they resolved. We then switched to a talk about us. SW said that he had missed talking to me and that he was thinking about me. I asked him what he wanted to do about us seeing each other. He said that he'd like to see each other and that he had real feelings for me, but he had so many pressures on him. I let him know that I would be happy to date slowly and casually.

Although we started out with a bang, this type of dating makes a lot more sense for two people who haven't known each other that long. He asked if we could do that (dating casually) since we both are the types of people who jump right in. I assured him it was fine. I let him know that he didn't have to call me every day (something he had initiated), that he could call and make a date and then not need to check in every day.

He said that it could work as long as I didn't get mad for him not calling every day. I reminded him that I've not been like that through the whole beginning and that I was mature and understanding about all the things in his life. He acknowledged that I was not like that and that he knew I was a mature and open person.

I did let him know that I had some parameters about dating casually...honesty and trust and just dating each other unless we told each other. He let me know that all that was very OK with him.

We left the conversation on a good note, talking about the kids and work and such. We didn't make a next date, but I didn't expect that. I do expect a different sort of relationship, but I believe it will be much more in line with reality.

And so I move on....with optimism.

Difficult evening

2007-10-09T22:37:00.000-04:00

Tonight the Social Worker and I had a difficult talk. It had to do with him being stretched to the limit with the kids, a full-time job, a part-time job and me. He vocalized that he was not sure what was going on, but that he was feeling like he was pulling away from me. And he just wasn't sure why.

He was the one who went full-bore into this just 2 months ago. I was cautious, taking my time. But I admit that I was bowled over by the attention, the sweet words, the hours of good conversation. Lately things have slowed down, but I attributed it to the nature of life. He was still calling daily, writing emails every few days and generally keeping things the same.

As I've said before, there are many differences and challenges to a relationship with him. I was taking the tack that only time will tell and I was attracted to him enough to put some time in. Heck, I'm still amazed at him and feel so many good emotions around him.

Anyway, the talk last about an hour and then he took his leave. I'm not sure if we will stop dating all together, or just pull way back and continue to enjoy each other's company as a dating couple. I assured him that I would like to keep seeing each other, but that I understood that if I was just not his girl, so be it. He said that he would call, but I'm not sure when and want to give him his space.

It's hard for me to understand how we went from 0 to 60 back to 20. I feel sad, mad and even foolish. When I talked to both the Wingwoman and Best Friend T tonight, they both assured me that having the guts, courage and open heart to let myself feel these emotions are all good, and not foolish. And that is why they are my best friends.

And so I move on.

The "L" word

2007-10-01T08:27:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been 50 days with the Social Worker and I'm even more attracted to him than ever. We've been spending as much time together as well can, along with phone calls and emails. We never seem to run out of things to talk about, things to discuss, things to discover.

This past weekend, he had the girls with him, so we did a family dinner on Friday night out at a restaurant, then a dinner at his house with the girls last night. If I didn't think he was an amazing man, just watching him with the girls is enough to give me a full heart. He's so wonderful with them and you can just feel how much he loves and treasures them.

We also got to sneak away to the back yard for some adult time. We talked about how much we enjoy seeing each other, even if it's not private time. During the conversation, he said that he's totally in love with me and how happy and lucky he was. I told him that I loved him as well. Quite a moment between us. Then, it was back in the house to see if one girl had taken her bath and to put one to bed.

And so I move on with a very happy life right now.

Still sparking

2007-09-19T10:26:00.000-04:00

This week finds the Social Worker and I hitting a new, but very nice stride. After a weekend away (I went to see my family for Mom's 70th birthday), we are settling into a much for realistic rythmn. We both are working to make sure the other gets some space to get life (laundry, freelance, grocery shopping) organized. I think we both would like to see each other 24/7, but know that neither is going anywhere at the moment, so we can sit back and relax a little.

On Sunday evening, the Social Worker met me and Wingwoman at Wingwoman's house for an impromptu dinner. It was lovely and fun and I'm glad that they are getting to know one another. The Wingwoman approves of SW, even with all the baggage. She sees how nice and sweet he is and how happy he makes me. It's so wonderful to have friends that care about you.

And last night SW cooked me a special dinner at his house. While the dinner was good, but not great, the effort was so greatly appreciated. He is so sweet and thoughtful and happy to spend time with me. It's a lovely, lovely feeling. We were at a point where we were all worrying about the future and how we would handle the family stuff, but for now we are just enjoying being together. This was something we both had projected and I think it's how our heads are wired. I'm glad that we are both on the same path and one is not ahead of the other.

After the thunderbolt, reality

2007-09-14T09:06:00.000-04:00

The Social Worker and I have made it over the 30 day mark. We still love being in each other's company, but life and practicality has been sinking in. Neither of us have been getting things done....laundry, mowing the grass, freelance work, etc. Plus the SW has three kids to take care of on a part-time basis.

Last evening we had a more practical talk. Although we would both love to see each other every free moment, we need to start looking at real life. And in that turn, I also need to think about how I feel about giving up the easy, single, dating life for a more permanent relationship that includes an instant family.

The romantic side of me believes that this love needs to play out. I've never felt such a connection with someone before. But it's a tough call for me. I've never been in a serious relationship that had others who needed to come first (the kids). I'm not a selfish person, and everyone who knows me tells me that I'd be a good mom. But at 46 (soon to be 47!), am I up to this. The kids are young and I would be signing up for a long stint.

I keep moving between wanting to just jump right in, live this life that has the possibilities to be filled with love and joy, and staying in the life that I know and enjoy.

And so I keep thinking......

Calendar days

2007-08-25T19:58:00.001-04:00

Well, the Social Worker (SW) and I are still having a wonderful time. Last night I had dinner with him and his 2 girls. They are lovely young ladies and we had a great time.

After we dropped them off, we came over to my house. We talked a lot about how rare it is to feel like this about someone and have them feel the same way about you. How life is so short and not many people get to experience this kind of emotion. We both tend to feel and thing the same way and it's still so amazing.

Also, it's only been 15 days. So we're trying to just take deep cleansing breaths and slow things down. We've been talking about the 30-day mark and the 6-month mark. We feel like if we still feel the same way (or more!) for each other, then things will be very, very good.

I'm constantly amazed at his depth of thought. Today he told me that I was so beautiful on the inside, and that's what made me beautiful on the outside. Wow.

It's like thunder, it's like lightening

2007-08-21T12:42:00.000-04:00

Wow! Where to start? I put myself back on one of my online dating services after I got back from the traditional family beach vacation. I started getting some good hits this time. Lots of nice, new guys out there. And not a lot of fishing pictures, Harley riding pictures or standing-in-front of my truck pictures!

I had told myself that I was not going to be super-aggressive this time with lots of winks and emails. Rather my tactic was just to see what would come to me. A few came to me and we started some nice conversations over email. But I wasn't feeling anything huge. So I decided to wink very selectively on afternoon and see what happened.

One of the guys will now be known as the Social Worker. I winked, he wrote back a nice, short note. Then I wrote, then he wrote more. Pretty soon we had exchanged phone numbers and spent on night on the phone until 2:00 a.m. He presented himself as smart and witty, with lot of things going on in his life.

We made plans to have an introductory "ice cream" meeting on the coming Saturday. But on Friday night, my phone rang and it was him. He said that plans had changed and would I like to meet that evening instead. We had such good chemistry on the phone that I agreed. We met in a groovy little part of town to get coffee (him) and ice cream (me).

And honestly, it was like a thunderbolt hit. Both of us. The chemistry was so thick and real you could almost see it in the air. We talked, we ate ice cream, we walked in the summer night. We hardly wanted to part. When I got home, he called and we talked more until 2:00 a.m.

And the topics were not just about favorite places to eat and family stories. We went right for the good stuff--dreams, goals, fears, pains. It was amazing to me.

Well, this was about 11 days ago and we're both still reeling from this electrical storm we've walked into. There's lots of baggage, lots of differences, lots of challenges. But when I look at him I see into his eyes straight into his heart and soul. And it's so wonderful. I don't think I've ever had this feeling before. Ever.

We've seen each other as much as we can in the last days. And every day is wonderful. But there is pain too. The challenges to me are large and could alter my life. We're not only talking about dating and being boyfriend and girlfriend, but making a real move to commit to each other, whatever that looks like.

I need help. I need oxygen. I need to see him again today.

Wow.

Power Bar

2007-08-01T08:25:00.000-04:00

My friend the Tri-Girl said something a while ago that has been ringing in my ears. She and I were talking about The Torch and she said, "He has too much power over you."

Wow. A strong statement. But as I think about it, it might be true. Over the last three years I've used a lot of energy thinking, worrying and wondering about The Torch. While we have a great time together, enjoying each other's company, talking for hours, he is still the non-commital person he always was.

I want him as a friend, but need to start thinking less and less of him as a romantic tie.

And so I move on.

Slow learner

2007-07-15T16:54:00.000-04:00

Last weekend The Torch and I, along with friends D & D, went to my hometown of Pittsburgh for a weekend of fun. Don't get all excited. Torch and I were going strictly as friends, although I was still wishing that we were dating steadily again.

And while the weekend was very fun with a professional baseball game, a wonderful art exhibit (www.chihuly.com), some lovely talks and a brunch at my Doppleganger's home, it got me to thinking again about the relationship between myself and Torch. While I want, with all my heart, for him to be able to open up and really enjoy a more romantic relationship with me, I am beginning to see that it's just not going to happen. I know, I know. Hit me in the head with a 2x4.

I just see how other relationships around me are, and he can't/won't give that to me. And I need to value myself enough to go for the type of relationship I deserve. He's fine to be friends, even good friends. But he can't/won't be able to be any more than that. I saw D & D this past weekend and they are such a nice couple. He made her tea in the morning. She shared her appetizer with him. These little things make me understand that there's more out there. And I want it.

This is not a new revelation for me. I've been here before with Torch. I guess I just need to let the lesson sink in deeper this time. He's not a bad guy. It's that he's not the guy for me now.

And so I move on.

A date with myself

2007-06-24T21:16:00.000-04:00

Tonight I went on a date with myself. I didn't wear a baseball hat to cover my receding hairline, I didn't talk about fishing, I didn't keep looking at my chest. (Well, actually I did, but only to check to make sure my bra was peeking out!).

I was calm and thoughtful and good company. I took myself to a concert to support a friend who was playing in a concert band. Then I took myself out for ice cream and sat outside and watched a little part of the world go by.

What a nice evening.

Please learn to spell

2007-06-22T16:58:00.000-04:00

I was looking over the Match listing the other night and came across a nice photo. Good smile. Lots of silver hair. So I decide to read the profile. To my dismay, this is his LEADING sentence:

"this year I'm going to work on a new goal. To go on long bile rides."

Oh my goodness! As you may know, even if you're just browsing, the first few sentences on the man's profile shows. This is his first impression.

*Sassy shakes her head*

And this guy sits wondering why no women are approaching him.

Too fast?

2007-06-21T20:14:00.000-04:00

I switched out my photo on one of my dating websites and have gotten some hits. One is from a guy that emailed and even talked to me over the phone about a year ago. He was nice in his email. I brought up the fact that I thought that we had talked before. I can not remember why we never met, but I'm thinking there was probably a good reason.

Anyway, without a lot of chit-chat on email he wants to meet for coffee. My gut is saying that he's moving too fast. A kinda of desperate feeling is flagging at me. And I'm torn. Just an hour coffee date is easy to take. On the other hand, why should I waste my time?

Kittens and Cougars

2007-06-18T20:09:00.000-04:00

As I'm sitting at my computer this evening, I saw a promo on the TV for a new show called "The Age of Love." The premise is that they have one bachelor and two sets of women vying for his attention. One is called the Cougars, 40 and over women. The other is called the Kittens and they are in their 20s.

I suppose that it will show that some women who are in their 40s can be just as sexy and good looking as the 20 year olds. Now, I almost typed "smart" in that sentance too. But that woud be wrong. I'm sure that none of them were chosen for a TV show for their brains. I'm sure some of them are quite intelligent, but this show is so much about looks and clevege and such that it just turns me off.

At 40+, everyone is experiencing some changes in their looks and bodies. It doesn't mean that you have to let yourself go, but I'd like to think that people eventually bond and love each other for what's inside. My heart is full...and young.

Zen and the Art of Dating

2007-06-11T16:40:00.000-04:00

Lately (as past posts have said) I'm trying to approach my relationship and (perhaps) dating The Torch with a Zen-like quality. As I said it to the Wingwoman the other night:

It's like I've been trying to make a river go where I want it to go. So I push and pull and struggle and get exhausted.
Now (after a very enlightening discussion early Spring with Torch), I am letting the relationship just be what it is. Enjoying our time together, being calm and just being me.

Lovely day with the Torch

2007-06-11T16:29:00.000-04:00

Well, The Torch and I had a wonderful date yesterday. Per his suggestion, we headed west via the back roads to a lovely vineyard in the mountains. On our drive out there, he asked if I had ever been to Elk Hill Farm. I answered, "no" and off we turned onto a little country road.

As we turned left, the most wonderful old house came into view. It was an old (1750s?) mansion that is situated on top of a gorgeous piece of property in the middle of almost nowhere. It is slightly falling apart, but somehow the Torch would just know that I would love it. We walked around the property, talked about how cool it would be to live there with lots of big dogs, books and rocking chairs. I honestly felt like he had given me this jewel of a gift to show me this.

Next stop was a little canal town that's been flooded lots of time. Torch mentioned that they had a cool little museum there (kind of an outside display) about the town, the floods, the river, the canal and the flat bottom boats. We walked around, looked at all the history and enjoyed the small town.

Finally we were off to the winery. A pretty little place in the mountains (or perhaps foothills is a better term). After a tasting of some yummy wine, we got a cold bottle and proceeded to sit in the sun, eat our picnic lunch and talk and talk. After a couple of hours, we packed up and headed back to our town about an hour and 20 minutes away.

At my home, we made dinner (Torch supplied steaks) and lounged in the lovely evening on the deck while sipping wine and talking. At the end of the night we went our separate ways. And a wonderful time was had by all.

Out on a limb

2007-06-05T22:03:00.000-04:00

Late last week I got invited to a cook out for this Saturday. The person who invited me is someone I consider a good work friend and I wanted to go. So I decided that I would ask The Torch to go as my date.

I gave him a call last night. He and I have been in contact through email and telephone, mostly work related. (If you recall he and I are in the same field and have been working on some projects together.) He did call me last Tuesday night to say hello and check on how my weekend in Chicago was. Anyway, he wasn't home so I left a message.

All day I have to say that I was anxious to hear if he would/could accompany me. This evening he called to say that while he appreciated the invite, he had a previous committment that he couldn't get out of. I thought his tone very sincere. He also mentioned that he would like to get together Sunday night if that would work for me.

I was happy that he suggested an alternate night. I just keep telling myself that I'm doing one day at a time, not expecting too much except honesty and respect and enjoying my time with him.

And so I move on.

Random dating thoughts

2007-06-03T18:01:00.000-04:00

Life has been slow lately--at least on the dating side. I've hidden my profile on one site, and will let another site close for the summer. I think there are 2-parts to this. One is that I'm just not meeting anyone that captures my attention. I've been on the one site a while (on and off) and not seeing lots of new faces that interest me. The other reason is that summer is always so busy with work, freelance, summer fun, etc. I just don't have the time to date or even look around.

And I think this is OK. Sometimes you just have to decide where your concentration goes. And lately, that's been with family and friends.

Now, none of this is to say that I'm not keeping my eyes open. I have been swapping a few very early round of emails with someone from Match that contacted me a long while ago. I thought that he had bowed out due to non-interest, but he contacted me saying that he is moving to my area and business had him tied up. Nothing exciting, although he appears to be interesting.

Of course, there's always The Torch. I've been seeing him as a friend and hanging out with him. I'm sure this is part of the equation as well. I just enjoy his company so much....we have a ton in common....that anyone else will have to catch my attention in a big way.

And so I move forward.....

Seeing the Torch

2007-05-05T07:42:00.000-04:00

Since about last July, The Torch and I have been seeing each other as friends, emailing, flirting, talking for more than an hour on the phone, having dinner, etc. From my view, he ramped it up around March when he started asking me to accompany him to some social events. There's no denying that I enjoy the time we spend together. It's much better to have him in my life than not.

My position currently (and I can't say it won't change), is that I'm taking one day at a time. Enjoying his company, but no expectations other than we are both honest and respectful of each other. I'm trying to just let it be what it is, rather than pushing and pulling to control the universe of this friendship. I'm also keeping myself open to date others if they come my way, but I'm not really forcing that issue too much either.

One thing I've been thinking about during all of this is how much I've changed since I first met Torch almost 2.5 years ago. At that time I was newly single (separated in March, dating Torch in November of the same year), wondering how I would live my life, wanting something so badly. Now I know myself so much better, understand the Torch better regarding his worries about his life and future, and just understand the whole man/woman thing a little better. I'm better at the single life, better at being me.

To flirt or not to flirt

2007-04-26T19:35:00.000-04:00

This evening I went to a happy hour with a career networking/social group. The room was fun and crowded and mixed. I caught up with lovely KT and chatted with the proofreading guru. At one point, there were a bunch of us at a table talking about art and football and topless beaches.

At the table was a guy about my age. No wedding ring. He was having a nice conversation and actually was speaking to me directly. I liked his thoughts, his looks, his friendliness. Could he be a possible date to get to know better? I gave him my name and actually found that he had a colleague who I had worked with years ago. Soon, KT spoke up and asked how his wife was feeling.

Surprised at first, I then wondered if I am looking "too much" for dating prospects instead of just enjoying people. I am torn. One school of thought says that you should be open to all possibilities. The other says that you shouldn't be out there prowling, but being thoughtful about who are think about.

A lesson for me in there somewhere, I'm sure.

And so I move on.

Wedding bells

2007-04-22T20:13:00.000-04:00

I went to a lovely wedding yesterday afternoon. The bride was dazzling, the groom was proud, the guests were happy. It got me thinking about what being in love and having a real partner means.

This couple has known each other for about 10 years. They met in college and were friends. The groom was always attracted to the bride, but after college they went their separate ways. Years passed and they got in contact again. The groom explained that he had been thinking of her all of these years.

They are a couple who understand even at their young ages how to communicate. They are open and honest and truly respect and love each other. He would do anything for her, and she feels likewise. I was proud to be invited to such a special event.

Best wishes, N & T!

Tragedy

2007-04-17T11:46:00.000-04:00

My thoughts are with all the parents and families who lost someone in the Virginia Tech tragedy. Once again I am reminded to count my blessings.

I'm not your entertainment committee

2007-04-16T18:46:00.000-04:00

On Saturday night when I was getting ready to go out on the town with Wingwoman when the phone rang. Being slow on the Caller ID thing, I pick up. The voice was someone I had dated almost 2 full years ago. We went out for 2 dates and that was that.

Being the polite gal I am, I said hello and asked how he was. He chitted and chatted. Now, mind you it's a Saturday night. Finally I had to almost cut him off and let him know that I was getting ready to go out.

As I drove over the Wingwoman's house, I thought about what brought him out of the woodwork. I decided he was just bored, calling around in his "black book" to see what he could stir up.

Through my dating years, I've noticed this phenomonen. Boys who call when they're bored or lonely or both. As a nice person who knows what it feels like to be bored or lonely, I understand. But I call my friends, not someone I've not seen for months. I reach out to family. Or I simple pull my boots up and figure out how to entertain myself.

The other problem with this is I want to be polite. As women we are taught to be nice, polite, welcoming. However, in the dating world, sometimes it's cruel to be kind. I don't want to give someone a false hope, lead them on, make them think something that's not.

And so I move on.

50 things about me

2007-04-13T10:45:00.000-04:00

Not an original idea, but one that might make for some good reading!

1. I am an identical twin
2. I talk to my twin at least once a day
3. The scar on my left cheek was caused by an accident involving an ice skate
4. My calico kitty is named Molly
5. Max, my other cat, passed away last year
6. I once dated a drummer for a punk rock band
7. I really like to sew
8. Doing dishes by hand is relaxing for me
9. I worry about getting old and who will take care of me
10. Vacation and travel are two different things to me
11. Vacation is relaxing, reading, sleeping and being as low key as I want
12. Travel is seeing things I've never seen before and being on the go
13. I love the hazelnut gelato in Italy
14. My dream was always to make a living being a writer
15. I make my living being a writer
16. My mom is awesome
17. Coffee ice cream is my favorite
18. When you put hot fudge on coffee ice cream, it's amazing
19. I love to snow ski and am pretty good
20. I can water ski, but not all that well
21. In my 40s I learned to love a good steak
22. I'm smoked a cigar once or twice
23. I would love to be a better cook and do it more often
24. At the beach house I have never taken a shower indoors
25. I love outdoor showers
26. My dream job would to be a ski hostess in Vail
27. Another dream job would be just to read good books for a living
28. I don't care for sushi, but sometimes I eat a veggie roll just to make sure
29. I take a hot bath almost every night
30. Even though I got divorced, I don't regret being married
31. I wear jeans to work too often
32. Being a good friend to people I know is important to me
33. I wish I could ask my Dad for advice sometimes
34. My Dad passed away over 10 years ago
35. I have one niece and four nephews whom I love
36. If I didn't color my hair, I'd be very gray
37. I hate dealing with paperwork
38. Cutting flowers and bringing them inside the house is a simple joy
39. I'm nervous I won't have enough money when I'm old and sick
40. I've seen Bruce Springsteen about 6 times
41. I don't like to hang around people who are smoking
42. I'd like to be more spontaneous
43. I like fancy shoes, but don't wear them enough
44. I could eat cereal for three meals a day
45. I try to be considerate about using my cell phone in public
46. I have a passion for keeping small cities vibrant (like living and shopping in the city)
47. People who say there's nothing to do irritate me
48. I sometimes feel like there's nothing to do
49. I get shy at parties
50. I love to have friends over to my house

Easter bunny report

2007-04-11T13:16:00.000-04:00

Hope that all my friends had a nice Easter or Passover. I had a lovely weekend, although I didn't get to go visit my brother as I had planned. My Mother was visiting him, and called to report that one of the little ones was not feeling well and that my visit would probably not include the fun of playing with them. So I opted out and went shopping instead. Great new dress for an upcoming wedding, new capri pants, a skirt and shorts. My Wingwoman went with me and we had a fun time, topping off the day with a late lunch.

On Sunday I went to the Catherdral with Wingwoman. Although I'm not Catholic, I love this building so it's like going to an art museum for me. Lovely service with wonderful music. Then I went to D&D's house to have a wonderful Easter dinner. The crowd was nice and filled with good friends, including The Torch and his Mother. I had met D&D when Torch and I were dating and they've proved to be wonderful, supportive friends.

Seeing Torch was both a pleasure and a pain. I so enjoy his conversation and company. We talked, laughed, played pool. And of course it was a pain because I so want to be at another place with him. I want to date again, call him my boyfriend, kiss and hold him.

I'm slowly accepting and understanding that he's just not emotionally able to be much more involved with me or anybody else right now. It's almost sad. I will continue to stay the course, be his friend, enjoy moments when they happen and not expect much more. And so I go on.

the Torch burns on

2007-04-06T17:34:00.000-04:00

I keep waiting for it to go away. Like a backache, it comes and goes, bothering me, not bothering, there, not there.

The other night I was relaxing at home when the phone rang. The caller ID said it was The Torch and my heart leapt like a frog out of a pond. I answered and we talked and talked. Honestly, 140 minutes. Covered topics ranging from work to risk to fathers to party gossip. It was a wonderful, fulfilling conversation.

This morning I was wondering about his actions. Does he treat me like he does other women friends? Does he know how much phone calls and invitations and evenings keep me in the game? I don't think he does any of this maliciously, but it keeps me in there, damn it. Or is he thinking about dating me again and just starting the motions?

What I tell myself at this point in time is stay in there, because I love him in my life. Meanwhile, keep other avenues open. Perhaps he is a "standard" that's been put into my life to remind me what is important to me: intelligence, kindness, curiousity, physical attraction. And when I find someone else who has the right qualities, I will know it and think, "Torch who?"

Goodbye KitKat

2007-04-02T21:37:00.000-04:00

Well, KitKat guy and I have parted ways. Actually this happened over a week ago, but with work and other stuff, I haven't gotten to this story.

While I was overwhelmed by Kit's kindness, sweetness and thoughtfulness, I kept thinking about how little we had in common. I'm more of a city girl...he's been raising kids in the suburbs for the last 20 years. I'm a huge reader and want to discuss books, he hasn't really read a book for oodles of years. He's a father (and certainly a devoted one), I've never had children.

It came to me that we just didn't have enough to talk about, enough to really keep me interested. And if this happens after 3 months of casual dating, I just didn't see any real future. My goal of dating is to enjoy myself, sure, but also to find someone to spend real quality time with, hopefully for the rest of my life.

And so I move on.

10 things I love

2007-03-30T13:30:00.000-04:00

I've made this list before and thought I'd make another one. These are not the only things I love, just a random assortment. Enjoy!

10. Newly polished toenails
9. Maybelline mousse blush
8. Girl Scout Thin Mints
7. Blue skies when I'm skiing
6. Sitting in the sun on my front stoop
5. Gorgonzola cheese
4. Reading a good book
3. My cat curling up on my lap
2. Pink anything
1. My new sheets with seashells on them

My dance card is full

2007-03-15T20:59:00.000-04:00

Last week The Torch called to see if I wanted to accompany him to a career function. It's usually a nice night with a chance to dress up. When we were dating we went to this same function in 2005. I remember a great time, being very proud to be on his arm.

Since I was scheduled to go on a little ski weekend with my Doppleganger, I had to decline. I have to admit that half of my heart wanted to go and half of me was glad I could tell him that I was busy. Ha! I'm leading a life, with or without you, my Torch!

This past Wednesday it was the Torch's birthday and I sent him a card with a small gift of "cards" that I made myself. We bantered on email about these and his birthday and I was happy with the little flirting that happened. Then today I get an email from him, once again asking me to accompany him to a "networking" cocktail party Friday with a dinner after. (To remind you, we are in the same business of advertising.)

Once again, I could tell him that I was busy with plans. Did it feel good? Make me sad that I couldn't go? A little of both, once again. We chatted back and forth on email and he suggested getting together this coming weekend. Once again, I told him I was busy (skiing with another friend).

I suggested in a very loose way that when my dance card was open again, perhaps we could get together. He emailed that I should touch base when I was back in town.

I'm not sure how I feel about this whole, long exchange. As most of my good friends know, I'm crazy about him, feel he is an almost perfect match for me, think about him. However, as I know, he can't get on the same page of Relationships 101 that I want to be on. And so the "perfect match" label is a moot one.

And so I move on. Being busy, living my life.

I have mail!

2007-03-06T19:58:00.000-05:00

Today when I came home from work, I reached my little paw into the mailbox and pulled out the pile. There, on the top, was a small, cream-colored envelope. When I looked at the return address, I was tickled to see it was from KitKat.

As I opened it up, I saw that it was a thank-you note. He hand-wrote a sweet note thanking me for making his birthday so special. Last Thursday I had taken him out to a funky restaurant downtown. We had a lovely dinner, complete with a Cosmo (for me) and a big wedge of pie (for me again!). {Whose birthday was it anyway?! hee hee}

I also gave him a card and a mix CD. Then on Friday, I ventured to his neck of the woods and he took me to a movie and then out for a short drink.

Anyway, I was so touched by his kindness. It took time and thought to do this very sweet thing. And I think it shows what kind of person he is. What's next? We probably won't see each other for a while due to travel, work, etc. But it's nice to know such a guy is in my world.

And so I move on.

Wise words

2007-03-05T20:45:00.000-05:00

One of my regular blogs is a cute one on iVillage. The woman who writes it is a little younger than me, but in the dating scene as well. Today her entry was about "playing darts." It talked about how women pick and ponder about every little thing in a relationship, serious or not. And how men sometimes are not mad, or dating other people, or avoiding you....they're just playing darts. I thought it good wisdom as I move through this part of my journey. Hope you enjoy it too.

http://thisfish.ivillage.com/love/

Better late than never

2007-03-02T10:12:00.000-05:00

Once again I find myself apologizing to my dear readers about my lack of posts. Life has been a whirlwind lately of social fun, work, school, visitors, etc.

On the dating scene I have been having a great deal of fun with KitKat. He's proven to be a sweet, kind, thoughtful person. I'm almost overwhelmed by his kindness. I need to keep reminding myself that he's doing things for/with me because he wants to.

For example, I had casually mentioned that I wanted to change my light fixture in my dining room. Two Sunday afternoons ago, he called, offering his services to go "light shopping" then to install any light I might find. Wow! Generosity of time is certainly a way to impress a girl.

We went shopping, ending up going to three store where I stood in the aisles craning my neck to discern between this one and that one and the other one over there. The whole time KitKat showed patience and the ability to roll with a woman's right to change her mind.

After the trip, I made late lunch in exchange for light fixtures being put up. We didn't get to all three (yes, I bought three!), but had a fairly fun afternoon with me handing pliers and screws up the ladder. And, Voila!, there is light!

And so I move on....bathed in a new, less formal light.

It never rains, but it....blah, blah, blah

2007-02-17T07:38:00.000-05:00

What in the universe says that at one time you sit around with nothing to do, even with the Great Girlfriends, and the next you crave just one single night at home?

These last two weeks have been a blur. With work, regular social stuff, teaching, etc., I feel like I've been running and gunning. Add KitKat guy and a new "friend" (not sure what to name him), plus a bit of The Torch and you've got a potent stew.

I've had another date with KitKat and it was great. (side note: he needs some wardrobe help, but that's a different post.) We went to the local fine arts museum and enjoyed their Art After Hours program with some art viewing, some blues music and some tasty martinis. As my regular readers know, I really enjoy dating someone who plans a good date. It's not so much the Material Girl in me, but shows that the guy is able to plan, able to think, able to put some effort into dating me. This mostly applies to the start of the dating, when I'm thinking if this guy is worth seeing again. And I have a date with him tonight again to go to an IMAX movie about the coral reefs of the world. Cool!

And once again, KitKat proved to be a thoughtful, kind, funny date. We seem to have a lot to talk about, enjoy each other's company and have some things in common. I'm just trying to enjoy him for who he is, and let things move freely.

On the subject of my new "friend"--this is a fix-up from a friend I know in the business. The gentleman in question has a lot in common with me and it's almost scary. We have emailed and talked on the phone several times. I have not seen a photo, but that doesn't scare me. Hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. He and I are meeting for coffee this morning and I'm kind of excited. If he doesn't turn out to be someone to date, I'm sure I've at least got a friend. And so I move on.

Happy Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T19:27:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day to all. Hope that you felt the love from your family, friends and special ones.

Last Saturday was the second date with KitKat guy. He planned a great evening out to see a jazz/torch singer. We had a terrific time. KitKat has great manners, was a true gentleman in every sense of the word. He called me when he was going to be just 5 minutes late. Opened the car door, helped me with my coat, etc. And he even asked permission to hold my hand during the concert. How cute is that?? I have to tell you, manners are a way to my heart.

KitKat is easy to talk to, friendly and warm. I'm not looking for a great love to start now, but I do think he's a bit "suburban" for me. After all, he has been in the suburbs for about 20 years raising children and being married. I usually am attracted to people who are a little more artsy, a little more urban. But I have to take him for what he is. He's certainly articulate, and interested in cool things. In fact, we have a third date tomorrow night. We are attending Art After Hours at the local museum. It features music, drinks, food, poetry reading, art tours, etc. Should be fun.

On other Valentine's news, I got a call from The Pilot wishing me a Happy Valentine's Day. He's such a sweetie. Hard to believe that we've been friends for almost three years. I also got an email from The Torch. Nothing romantic, just a nice acknowledgement of the day. And of course, I heard from my wonderful family.

Things unsaid

2007-02-05T22:02:00.000-05:00

Tonight I'm thinking of the things unsaid to people; specifically to The Torch. Why do we not say things we mean? Things that we want to say, dream of saying, long to say. Yet, something stops us.

Is it intelligence, knowing that I won't get the answer or action I want?
Is it fear, wondering if I could damage a friendship forever?
Is it protection, not letting myself open up?

All I know is that I've done well keeping some of my deep-heart thoughts to myself regarding him. We have our friendship, our flirting, our fun. And so I will probably keep it status quo. But understand, dear reader, there ARE things I want to say.

You had me at Kit.

2007-02-02T16:45:00.000-05:00

Quick update with more to come later:

Had a nice lunch date (first date) with a new gentleman today. And I use gentleman correctly. Pretty blue eyes, nice manners, good conversation. At the end of the lunch, we walked out of the restaurant and out to the curb where we were to part ways.

Goatee guy: Here, take this back to work with you.

Sassy: How did you remember?

Goatee (smiles): I write things down.

About a dozen or more emails ago, he had asked about my favorite candy bar. I mentioned KitKats which I adore. Wow. If he wanted to make an impression, he certainly did. And we have a date next week.

And so I move on...after I finish the KitKat.

Building a community

2007-01-28T17:42:00.000-05:00

Last evening I had some friends in for dinner and a rousing game of Uno! I made a big pot of shrimp etouffe, bread, and apple cobbler. Friends brought salad, ice cream, wine and beer. We had a terrific time and I was once again reminded of how blessed I am to have so many wonderful friends.

The Torch and I have a running discussion about when you're single, and especially when your family is scattered elsewhere, you need to have a community. And it's work to make it and keep it vibrant. I think of my community as my friends. Kinda like a family right here in my town. They're the people I lean on, laugh with, support and play with.

This is one of the best lessons that I've had out of my divorce. Luckily, I already had a great network of friends and have a personality that knows how to reach out and make relationships. I empathize with people who look around one day and think that they don't have friends to count on or to have fun with.

So, to all my friends near and far, THANKS! You're wonderful people and make my life richer and richer every day!

My (kinda) Zen moment

2007-01-24T19:58:00.000-05:00

Today as I was driving home from work, I thought about the dating scene and how I was going about meeting someone who could be special and share quality time with. I ask friends and trusted colleagues if they know anyone, I participate in one (or sometimes two) dating sites, and I keep my eyes open at the grocery store and events.

But I wonder: am I pushing the universe where it's not meant to go? Will the life and love that I'm meant for come when it's the right time? Am I upsetting the balance?

As my friends know, I'm someone who is active. Life's not going to pass me by. If I want something, I'll go for it (within reason of course!). I've approached this new chapter in my life with passion, gusto, enthusiam and excitement. It's been a wonderful couple of years and I've learned so very much about myself.

I enjoy the single life and all it's brought me. So for now I'll keep on keeping on. But I'll keep an eye on the dating Budda.

To the men on dating sites

2007-01-21T08:53:00.000-05:00

Dear guys who post their pictures on online dating sites:

I enjoy looking at most of your pictures. Through online dating I've met a lot of nice people. And seeing their pictures helped. But some of you just don't have a clue how to put your best face forward to bring you some success. So I thought I'd give you all some pointers.

1) Smile. No one wants to meet someone who looks like a grump, or worse, from the get go.
2) Keep your shirt on. Unless it's a real beach pictures, or you're a hot stud, I'd perfer not to see that first time out.
3) Have at least one picture with your hat off. I know guys like to wear baseball hats and all, and there's the balding thing, but I'll see it eventually.
4) Try a photo without sunglasses. If you're only posting one photo, make it one without sunglasses. How can I see what you look like?
5) Save the "look what I caught/shot" pictures for later. Why, oh why, do guys think that a photo of them holding a fish they just caught is going to appeal to women? Guys, yes. Hmmmm.
6) Don't try to impress me with photos of your cars, motorcycles or trucks. I'm dating you, not your vehicle.
7) Watch out when you post pictures with you a beautiful woman. Sure, she might be your sister. But it's a little intimidating for the rest of us.

Sincerely,
Sassy

Britney's boys

2007-01-19T11:14:00.000-05:00

To whom it may concern:

How is it that Britney, known for her poor singing, dancer husbands, childcare issues and no-underpants nights, finds a boyfriend in no time flat?

I know. I know. She's a star and people want to hitch their *ahem* wagons to her. But geesh. She's unstable, kinda trashy and has two kids to drag around. While I, on the other hand, am a stable, working woman with her own house, own savings account, good job, is still looking for love.

Well, as my Doppleganger says, it's quality, not quantity. And, as usual, she's right.

And so I move on.

Adults only, please

2007-01-14T16:53:00.000-05:00

Today I had a "goodbye" brunch with BuffaloBoy. This was his invitation, his idea.

When we decided that we needed to be done dating, we still had some things of each others. A book, a tennis racquet, that sort of thing. Anyway, Boy had to cancel our lunch on Friday due to a work issue. He called me at the office to ask if I'd rather go to a very swanky hotel for their famous champagne brunch. It's a beautiful place, perfect for a special occasion.

I accepted and he picked me up at 10:30. We went and had a nice time. We always have things to talk about; everything from the Democrats to a famous kidnapping. We were both dancing around the break-up, trying just to be friends and enjoying each other's company.

Finally, as we were winding up, Boy said he just needed to say one thing about our dating. His pitch was, "How often is it that you meet someone you really like?"

Exactly. I like him. He likes me. But I want more. I want someone to be in love with me, loving me for who and what I am. A woman who has a lot to offer.

In the end, it was an adult break-up, amicable and finite.

And so I move on.

Horse auction? Or horse's ass?

2007-01-13T18:45:00.000-05:00

With the end of dating BuffaloBoy, I have put myself out there again on two dating sites. After a flurry of emails, I agreed to meet last weekend for a breakfast with someone I'll call Horse. Before this meeting, we had chatted on the phone and I thought he was fun, but a little edgy. Nothing off color, you understand, but sharp with his words. And not in the best way. But as Friend T and I say, "everyone gets a cup of coffee."

Now, I understand what age range I am dating. I understand we have all aged a bit. I know that we are not 18 any more. So when I meet Horse for the first time in front of the restaurant, I am not surprised that he is a little round, shall we say, around the middle.

We smile, make small talk and proceed into the restaurant. Our orders are taken and the chit-chat continues. The talk turns to keeping active and fit. He asked me what I do to keep in shape. I reply that I walk, hike when I can, play tennis, ride my bike. I say (OK a little stretch) that I try to eat healthy and take care of myself.

Then he says, with a wave of his hand to the open area of the floor, "Well turn around and let me see."

Luckily, I had my wits about me and replied, with sarcasm, "This is not a horse auction."

With his reply of, "Well for me it is," I was done. At least with this man. Although I have to admit I stayed around to finish my breakfast. I kept my polite demeanor, ended the date as soon as possible and got out of there.

What I want to know is in what universe is this type of comment to a first date OK? I'm constantly stumped with grown men who have been raised by wolves. Wolves with bad manners.

And so I move on.

The Torch and Me

2007-01-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

As some of you know, I have been working through a slightly mysterious medical problem recently. As I move from 45 to 46 (Happy Birthday last November), I am aware of taking care of myself so I can stay active and healthy. I've been working with my regular doctor and now am on my way to a specialist next week.

Through this chapter, I have heard from The Torch regularly. Since we've decided to talk again and try to be friends, we have swapped emails, some phone calls, a few friendly games of tennis and a dinner or two. Lately, we have been talking medical things, since he has taken his first "stress test" and I have been working through my issues. I had recently mentioned to Torch that I was going to have some medical tests on Tuesday. On Tuesday evening, he called to ask how I was, how I was feeling. I told him that I would know test results on Friday. Last night he called and left a message, seeing if I was OK and wondering about the results of the tests.

One thing about The Torch that I've always liked is his relationship with his friends. He has a good "community" that he's built and works hard to keep in touch with everyone. He knows what it takes to be a good friend and regularly acts on it.

Now, the question is whether he is doing this as my friend, or as someone who is missing me. I'm still holding a candle, and foolishly or not, my hope springs eternal. Meanwhile, I'm keeping other dating options open....and taking care of my health.

Happy 2007

2007-01-10T19:34:00.000-05:00

Hello to everyone and sorry for the big gap in writing. I had a horrid cold and cough before and during the holidays, went "home" to Mom's house for the holidays and then ended things with BuffaloBoy.

Yes, you heard that right. This has been coming for some time, but came to a head after the Thanksgiving lunch that he declined with my Mom and sis. I let him know that I didn't think I was his type/girl, but while I think he was listening, I'm not sure he heard. We tried to see each other a couple of more times before Christmas, but the "feeling" just wasn't there. The final straw (for me) was the fact that he didn't call on Christmas Day ("oh, I didn't have your cell number in my cell"), yet The Torch called to wish me a happy day.

Then Boy made plans with other friends to go out of town on New Year's Eve. Frankly, I think that after 6 months, if you are truly interested in someone, you should be planning that night with your sweetie. PLUS (to add insult to injury), I got an EMAIL for New Year's Eve Day, wishing me well. Again, The Torch called in person to wish me well.

To that end, Boy and I are meeting on Friday to swap things (my book and jacket, his tennis racquet). I'm sorry if he's hurt, but I'm not about to settle for someone who isn't showing me the respect and interest that I want.

And so I move on.

Holiday spirit

2006-12-11T11:40:00.000-05:00

As the holidays are approaching, I am getting into the spirit. Saturday BuffaloBoy and I went to buy some Christmas trees. One for his house, one for mine. It was great to have help; he just lifted mine up and plopped it in the stand. So easy. Mine is now all done and decorated. His is in the stand, but not sure if he got any decorating done or not. The house looks lovely and I always enjoy getting all my special things out of storage.

While on the subject, I want to encourage everyone to give to their favorite charity or cause this season. Right here in my hometown there are people who are going to bed hungry at night. I've given a couple of ways this season and am always surprised that it makes me almost more happy than giving a material gift!

The fire is not out

2006-12-08T10:45:00.000-05:00

Ever since The Torch and I decided to try to be friends, we’ve been in contact with emails, work-related projects, a dinner or two, lunch, etc. Every time I see him, I still am bowled over by the feelings I have for him. I’m more adjusted to it now, and it’s not keeping me up at night, but I still feel deeply for him.

The other day we went to lunch with a mutual friend who knows about my thoughts for him. After lunch she mentioned how he looks at me and how we are so perfect for each other. But unless he really undergoes a change and opens himself up to being with me, it’s status quo. And so I move on…

Why can't we be friends?

2006-12-08T10:43:00.000-05:00

(written last night, but posted this morning)

Hi all and sorry for the lapse in writing once again. To catch you up, BuffaloBoy found himself in the doghouse over the Thanksgiving holiday. For the few weeks before, we had talked about two important things to me; my birthday and the fact that my mother and twin sister were coming into town. On the Friday night before the holiday week, Boy mentions that he will be out of town the night of my birthday. I was more hurt and disappointed than anything. After all, we have been dating for almost 6 months. He wanted to attend a party in another town and did not offer to change his plans.

While I’m old enough to handle my birthday by myself, I felt frustrated and confused since (in my opinion) we had talked about it for the weeks before. Luckily, some of my wonderful friends made sure my birthday was a success with a wonderful dinner and great conversation.

The other issue in the same time-frame that helped Boy’s doghouse status was the fact that he told me that he would meet my mother and sister for lunch while they were in town. Again, we had discussed this and I told him early that this was a “no obligation” invitation. But he seemed like he was very agreeable.

The Friday after Thanksgiving, I called Boy at the appointed time to tell him where and when to meet us that noontime. He begged off, saying he was “tired,” and would like to, but, you know, he just was tired. Uff!

Am I off base to expect that when you are a grown man, and you tell the woman you have been dating steadily that you will be at an appointed lunch, you will be there? Honestly, he should have just pulled up his socks, sucked it up and come out for one hour.

This leads me to the last part. Obviously there has never been a huge romantic attachment to the Boy, even though I’ve been enjoying his company. And with his actions (coupled with some other dates that have been begged off or done “later”) of the week, I’m pretty sure that he is simply enjoying my company too without any long-term thoughts.

While I know it’s only been 6 months of dating, I don’t want either one of us to get our feelings hurt, or waste our time. I like Boy, but long-term romance? I don’t think it’s in the cards for us.

Thankful for....

2006-11-30T16:33:00.000-05:00

Sorry this is about a week late, but I wanted to make a list of what I'm thankful for:

• my family who are funny and supportive and loving
• my friends who are generous and kind and fun
• the fact that I have a roof over my head and food to eat
• books
• values my parents taught me
• my opportunity to try teaching this year

I could go on, but you get the idea. Hope all had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.

darn it!

2006-11-21T17:40:00.000-05:00

Well, I hate being ambivalent. I am enjoying time with BuffaloBoy, but when I shut my eyes and look into the future, I don't see a life with him. And my objective to dating is to have fun, yes, but also to find a partner, lover, friend who I can spend this next part of my life with.

So, do I break it off before someone gets hurt? Do I bring up a conversation so he knows what I'm thinking? Do I just relax and see what happens? After 5 months, I think it's time we decide where we're going.

And to tell the truth, I'm not sure Boy sees up long-term as well. I'm not HIS usual girl....I'm more intellectual, more "buttoned-up" if you will, more "mainstream." Arrgh.

One of my thoughts is to see what happens over the holidays when we will see each other a lot less. After my Italy trip, things seemed to be better on both sides. But lately I feel that the "honeymoon" is over and we are seeing each other in the real light. He is forgetful, disorganized, not into planning too much. All things that might eventually drive me up the wall.

On the flip side, his heart is warm and generous and his communication skills are very solid. Surely there must be someone else out there that has these traits, and who is more of a match for me??

2006-11-19T11:04:00.000-05:00

Housekeeping 101

2006-11-13T14:31:00.000-05:00

Well, Saturday night BuffaloBoy made me dinner at his house. We usually hang out at my place for the sheer convenience of it all, and the fact that Boy is vocal about not being a good housekeeper. I usually pooh-pooh that, saying that I like friends for who they are, not how they keep their house.

I arrived at the set time of about 7:30 and, surprise, Boy is not ready. In fact, he hasn't showered yet, telling me that he has been running around cleaning and cooking all day. He has also already broken into the wine, using some of it to marinade the lamb (delicious!) and has had a glass himself. I volunteer to go grab another bottle while he pops into the shower.

As I arrive back at his crib, I see him in the backyard working feverishly at the grill. The lamb smells divine (he actually is a good cook) and I can't wait for dinner.

When I walk inside, I am amazed at the kitchen. Even though he has sworn that he has been working "all day," to a girl's eyes, it just doesn't look like it. Fast forward to his thoughts that he worked on his kitchen and bathroom, watched two movies on TV, went to the grocery twice and the drugstore once. So I figure his cleaning time, with all those distractions, was down to about 45 minutes. No wonder it still looked like a bachelor pad.

This got me thinking about different men I've dated and their different houses. The Torch's apartment is funky and cool, fairly neat and tidy. Much like his personality and owing to his job in the "arts." The Pilot's house was always neat and tidy too, which makes sense. He was a clothes horse and always dressed very particularly. The Accountant's house was a jumble. Papers everywhere and a pool table in the living room!

I promised the Boy that I would help him make a dent. Truly, it's not the "guy's apartment" right out of college that you swore you would never set foot in again. It just needs a little touch-up and he needs to learn some tip and tricks of the housekeeping trade. I guess that most men don't learn this from their moms like the girls do.

And so I move on....apparently with a dust cloth in my hand.

P.S. The dinner and evening were delightful.

Back in town

2006-11-06T15:42:00.000-05:00

Well, this past weekend was the first weekend since I've been back from Italy (late Sept) that the BuffaloBoy and I haven't had any sort of date. No panic. He was out of town to see his family.

I had a good weekend, with lots of yard work, visits with my home-girls, and some down time. Sadly, my beloved Steelers lost on Sunday, so that put a crimp in the day.

This morning, Boy called to say hello and check to see if we still had a date to watch Monday Night Football. (For those who don't know, I'm a big football fan). I told him yes, and that I missed him over the weekend. That was big stuff for us. We are generally going slow and taking our time. Although, the conversation we had at the vineyard a week ago was moving us forward...or so I think from my position.

It will be interesting to see what happens next. We both are still smarting from other relationships (oh, Torch...), and are reluctant to get in to deep too fast. OK with me, most of the time, anyway.

I'll get to the details of the vineyard conversation in another post. Meanwhile, I move on.

You're 48, for cryin' out loud!

2006-11-02T11:46:00.000-05:00

Back in the day, I dated a man (see blog entry entitled "A Date and a .38"). After a very immature kiss-off by him via email (email for goodness sake!), I thought that whole chapter was done.

Forward to about August when I get an email (another!) saying that he would like to be friends again, although he made it clear that he was dating another woman and it was going well. The generous, polite person I am, I said sure. We exchange a few emails, talk lightly about getting coffee, leave voice mails, but never seem to connect.

After an innocent email where I mentioned that he appeared in one of my dreams (very G-rated), I got back an email that was definitely R-rated. He said, "I hope I'm not overstepping my boundaries." I wrote back that yes, it was over the line, that I did not appreciate his thoughts, that I was dating a very nice man and that I was woman of integrity.

Instead of him apologizing for his somewhat 16-year-old behavior, he makes it my problem. Says that I was being too sensitive, that he was joking, that I can't take a joke, etc. He wrapped it up by saying that if I didn't respond to his email, he would know that I didn't want to talk to him anymore and that would be a "shame." For whom, I ask?

So I hit the "delete" button and forget about it. Two days later, here comes another email, again berating me for not being open enough to accept his comment as a joke. Oh, and that I needed was "obsessed with my old boyfriend and needed to move on." Then, a TEXT message. Arrgh. Then yesterday, another email. All deleted.

My question becomes, who really needs to move on here? Not me. Goodness. Go back to sixth grade.

And so, I do move on.

Background for you, fair reader

2006-10-31T11:50:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a brief moment to post quickly and catch some folks up on what happened between August and October.

When BuffaloBoy's old gal came into town, he was honest, and fair, about telling me. And I appreciated that. However, after a week (a week!) of not hearing from him, I became somewhat confused. Here was a man who had been taking me out at least once a week and all of the sudden, no communication at all. Not like him.

Finally, not really knowing what else to do, I sent him a low-key, but honest email saying that I was confused about not hearing from him and letting him know what I enjoyed his company, hoped to see/hear from him again and that no matter what, that I wished him well.

About two days later I get a long, rather heart-felt email from Boy. He let me know that he and ex-gal decided to spend the week together at the beach to "finish" things. Yikes! But knowing Boy, his "zen" way of thinking, etc., I decided to accept his apology. Again, he was very up front and honest. And he assured me that they were not looking to mend fences in any way, shape or form.

We went to dinner and mended fences ourselves. And so it continues. More to come, lovely readers.

Can I have syrup with my waffle?

2006-10-30T12:12:00.000-05:00

I know that this is kinda ahead of the written story here, but I thought that I needed to keep writing or else I would never get caught up.

I've been trying to think about the relationship with BuffaloBoy and how I feel about him. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm still thinking about the Torch from time to time. Torch and I have also been back in touch, even seeing each other on a "friends" basis.

As I think about what I want (what IS it, anyway?) and who I would like to spend time with, Boy is looking good. His kindness, thoughtfulness, communication skills, honesty and willingness to HAVE a real relationship is key. And you just can't discount good men. There's not a lot of them out there. Or maybe there is, but not ones that you click with on all the right levels.

The Torch is a good man. But he obviously can't have a relationship with me (for whatever reason). I've been trying to move on completely for months and it might just be happening. The question becomes this: Am I moving on because of the feelings I have for Boy? Or am I moving on because it's just time to understand and accept that Torch isn't able to be who I need him to be.

Am I looking for a long-term with Boy? No. Not yet. Maybe never. But for right now, it's hard to beat someone who calls and says he can't wait to see me tomorrow night.

Time passes

2006-10-24T20:50:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone. Sorry it's been so long, but life has been kind of crazy.

The big news is that I've been to the beach with the family, been to the beach with BuffaloBoy and have been to Italy with a friend. Life is good. No complaints over here.

And the other big news is that BuffaloBoy and I have moved to a new place, I think. It's long and complicated, but let me say in this quick post that it's hard to discount a nice person who is interested in having an adult relationship with honest, understanding communication. We're not in a big love by far, but I think that we're both getting to know each other and appreciate each other's company, views on the world, etc.

OK, late now and I have work to do for my class, so I'll catch up later.

Late for a very important date

2006-08-29T19:07:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a while, and I do have a LOT of BuffaloBoy stories to tell, but I wanted to get one in tonight.

BuffaloBoy asked for a dinner date when we went out last Thursday night. He wanted to cook dinner for me on Tuesday night. Great, I say. Then on Friday night, he asked if he could move the dinner date to Monday since he wanted to go see friends on Tuesday night. Fine, I say. Then he calls Monday to see if I could move the date to Tuesday night. Sure, I thought. He wanted to clean the house properly and get all ready.

Next, he moves the time from 7:00 pm to 7:30. No problem. Then tonight, as I was getting ready, he called AGAIN and asked if he could move it to 8:00 pm. He wanted to do more cleaning. I've been to his house, and while it's not perfect, he's a real bachelor. No worries.

What do I think? While I understand that it's hard to get things done while you're working full-time, etc. But at the same time, he's now 44 and can't get his house clean? I don't like my friends because they have perfectly clean house. At the same time, I wonder. I wonder.

Honesty is the best policy

2006-08-13T07:24:00.000-04:00

Once again, I am amazed at the honesty and open communication of BuffaloBoy.

We were scheduled to have a date this last Friday night. No worries. Then on Thursday morning, he called at the office and said that he had to cancel. At first I was a little surprised since that's not like him. Then he went on to explain.

He told me that his old girlfriend (from another city) was coming into town to get the rest of her stuff out of his house. They broke up in March/April (can't remember) and she had left some things that were valuable to her at his home. I know that this break up was hard for him and that the dating of the two of them was long term. Boy assured me that this was needed for him to have closure and that it was a strictly "business" visit.

I know he could have just called and cancelled and told me that a friend from out of town was coming in to see him. But he went out on a limb to tell me the true story. Think about it. If you are dating a girl, you don't want to risk the girl by telling her that your old girlfriend is coming into town and staying with you overnight.

My hat is off to you BuffaloBoy. Thanks for the honest, adult communication.

To date or not to date, that is the question

2006-08-13T07:11:00.000-04:00

A lot of dating for me involves self-awareness and thinking about what I want out of dating and life. Recently I have been dating the nice BuffaloBoy. He's sweet, funny, smart. And while he's not lighting me up inside, I AM having a good time. According the wonderful Mom, that's OK. For now, anyway.

But I feel like at this age, and with my objective (which is an eventual long-term partner), I don't want to waste too much time. So I'm torn. Keep dating him? Start dating around again? My main online dating service is slow. After you are on there for some time, you tend to see the same old faces and "playas" or guys who I supposed are still looking--just like me. My other online service is slow too.

So yesterday I "hid" my profile on my main service. With all the social, family and personal stuff going on in my life, I thought I would take a break.

And on the subject of Boy, I don't want to keep dating him and keep both he and I from meeting the right person. On the other hand, I like the fun I have with him, the talks we have, his company, etc. What to do? What to do? And so, that is the gist of dating life at 45.

Dating means shaving

2006-08-04T14:37:00.000-04:00

This morning in the shower, I had a revelation. When you are dating someone, you must shave. Now, I'm not a crunchy granola girl who never shaves, but I always feel like my skin gets dryer when I shave (not to mention the nicks and cuts).

But when you're dating, you need to look sleek and polished. All the time! So I found myself attacking my legs this morning in the shower, making them fit for public consumption! (hey, I didn't mean it that way!)

BuffaloBoy is taking me for a nice dinner out on the town tonight. I'm looking forward to the evening, and just trying to enjoy the moments.

And so I move on....

Mother knows best

2006-08-02T18:41:00.000-04:00

Well, it's a hot Wednesday evening and I need to update everyone.

I had a date with BuffaloBoy last night. Again, just when I think he's not at all interested, he makes a move. Like chess perhaps? Who knows.

The story: Boy was out of town last Thurs to Sun evening at a bluegrass concert. I surely thought that he would call me when he got back into town, but no. Then I thought he would call Monday at the office, but no. Then I thought maybe I would hear from him Monday night. But no.

As per usual, I thought "well, it's done. He's not feeling it. I'm not feeling it." I like him, enjoy his company, but really am not getting lit up by him. I am looking for the feeling that just makes me bounce when I think of him. Nothing against him, just perhaps not my guy.

So Tuesday at the office, the phone rings. Boy says hello, tells me about his concert, asks about my weekend, etc. We chat and it's nice. He asks for a date for Thursday night. We agree that would work and he lets me know he'll call me later in the week to make plans.

About AN HOUR later he calls the office again. Claims that he "can't wait until Thursday" and wants to know if I can go to dinner that very night. Nice. I'm happy, since I DO enjoy his company. We meet, have a nice Thai dinner out, go get ice cream, then come back to my place. He seems like regular old Boy, and I enjoy myself. I ask him if he wants to hang out, watch a little TV, but he says no, he needs to go home.

OK, I ask you: is this a man who missed me? Who "couldn't wait" to see me?

I can NOT figure this one out. I enjoy him and like dating him casually, but I'm not sure WHAT he thinks. Per the great Mom, I should not work on figuring him out and just enjoy his company. She's a smart one, that Mom.

And so I move on.

Summer fun

2006-07-19T18:14:00.000-04:00

It's been a while, so I need to catch everyone up.

I had another date with BuffaloBoy last weekend and we had a GREAT time. Last week he called twice just to talk and we had some amazing conversations. I always thought that talking to The Torch was good, but he and I more stayed on topics such as work since we are both in the same business. With Boy, we touch all sorts of topics.

At our dinner date on Saturday I was once again amazed at his openness, emotionally availability and ability to be honest. He doesn't shy away from topics and is thoughtful about what he says. As a consequence I am feeling open and honest, not afraid to go into some issues. With other people, including the Ex husband, I was afraid to broach some subjects, not knowing how judgmental the other person would be, how the other person would react, or how it might impact our relationship. Wow. Adult dating time. How nice! Refreshing! And truly, a lot of fun.

Boy has called me twice at work today just to chat and that's been fun too. My phone NEVER rings. People just come up to my desk and chat if they need me. You know who you are.

We have a date Friday night to have some steaks and rent a movie. Perfect Friday evening date when everyone is tired from the work week. And I think we may swing a tennis racquet on Sunday. Ah, summer fun.

And so I move forward....

An "F" on my report card

2006-07-12T19:20:00.000-04:00

OK. I admit it. I can NOT read this man.

BuffaloBoy has, well, buffaloed me again. After the bike date and his declaration that he didn't want to get into another relationship since he just got out of a long-term one, I figured he was done dating me. Or at least he would space the dates out a bit more.

Instead he called last night. He wanted to know what I was doing for the weekend and said that he was thinking about going out to find a good restaurant. Wow! I wouldn't have bet on that one. Anyway, since I'm going to a party, I invited him to go with me.

We also had a wonderful conversation and I was once again impressed with how smart, thoughtful and funny he is.

I just can't figure this guy out. Half the time I think he's not at all interested and half the time I think he's interested. Of course, I keep waffling too. Half the time I figure he's not the guy, and then I turn around and he's got me laughing and thinking about him.

And so I move on....

Riding it out

2006-07-11T17:55:00.000-04:00

Well, BuffaloBoy and I had a nice time last Sunday riding our bikes. It was a beautiful morning, and we enjoyed each other's company.

With that said, Boy came to pick me up and hour and a half after the original time he told me. He had called twice and was sweet about it, but I wondered how important it was for him to be on time. He was also not ready for an outdoor day. He brought no water, no shirt to change into (sweaty riding in the humid summer). I guess that he's just less detailed than I, but if you ask a young lady to go bike riding in a neighboring town, wouldn't you bring some water? Even for yourself?

After the ride, we had talked about getting some lunch, but ended up at my house. We decided to watch some tennis, relax and enjoy the air-conditioning. Later in the day, we got a pizza. watched a movie and just chilled out. He left my place about 6:00 pm.

All in all, a nice day, but I'm just not sure he's my guy. Good person, fun to hang around with, but no huge sparks on my part. And perhaps not on his either? It's hard to say since he is hard to read (for me anyway!).

While we were hanging around talking, he mentioned once again that the bad date and how it was not "fair" to take his mending/bruised heart out on me. He also mentioned how he didn't want to make seeing me a "big deal" since he just got out of the recent relationship. Hey! Maybe I don't want to make this a big deal! Maybe you're not worth a big deal!

Was he just trying to set my expectations? Or simply telling me the dating will slow down. Whatever it is, I won't feel a huge sting if this ends. I actually enjoy BuffaloBoy's company, but romance? Eh. We'll see what happens next.

And so I move on.

Clarity and apologies

2006-07-07T17:49:00.000-04:00

The story so far:

BuffaloBoy and I have a crappy date last Saturday (see below for larger details). BuffaloBoy is quiet and pensive; I get more cheerful to the point of mania. Date ends and I figure I'll never see him again.

Tuesday (4th of July), BuffaloBoy finally makes it to ball game and fireworks. I worry most of the day that he is trying to get out of plans and figures he comes to ballgame because ticket is paid for. (BestFriend T needs to give me a cocktail of hers called "Whatever" to keep me from getting in too deep.)

Wed and Thurs, I don't hear from BuffaloBoy and figure if there is no date this weekend, the whole thing is done.

Friday morning--BuffaloBoy calls early (7:20 a.m.) and leaves message about getting together on Sunday morning for biking or tennis. I decide not to call back immediately, hoping that a little silence will inspire BuffaloBoy to keep up the pursuit. I don't like playing games, but I certainly think there is strategy involved in dating.

Friday afternoon I get back from lunch and a phone message is on my work phone. I think it's the eye doctor calling again. When I hear it's BuffaloBoy, I'm happy. I do enjoy his company.

I call BuffaloBoy back and let him ask again about getting together. He suggests going to P-burg to bike the battlefields and then have lunch. "We can make the day of it if we want." BuffaloBoy also mentions the crap date last week and apologizes for being "grumpy and out of sorts." I graciously accept and suggest that it was a bad day all around, and that the two of us should just toss that date away, and start fresh. BuffaloBoy agrees and sounds happy.

BuffaloBoy also flirts with me a bit on the phone....hmmmm.

More to come!

Fireworks...sort of.

2006-07-06T12:00:00.000-04:00

Well, the 4th has come and gone and I can honestly say that I had a good one, despite assorted agnst about BuffaloBoy and my slightly off behavior the Saturday before.

Earlier, I had asked him if he would like to join me and some of my friends for the local ball game and fireworks ("Best in town!"). He affirmed and I had Bikeandhike Dave on the line looking for an extra ticket. One was procured and all was well.

Tuesday morning rolled around and the phone rang about 5 till 9 a.m. It's BuffaloBoy. Now, he has called me three times in the early morning. I like that he is comfortable enough to call me early since I'm a morning person, but I truly have NEVER had a boy call me this early this often. Anywho, he is letting me know he is still in North Carolina; he had gone there to meet friends for a bluegrass concert and decided to stay an extra day. Fine. No worries. He says he is heading home and may not make the dinner or even the game.

Arrghh. I sense he is trying to get out of the date and while I'm not suprised, I am disappointed. I enjoy his company and I went to some lengths to get him a ticket. I keep my frustration to myself; I don't want to make too many assumptions. Buffalo says that he will call me when he gets back to town.

Meanwhile, I worked on a sewing project, laundry, talked on the phone with friends, etc. Oh, and a nap of course! I got things ready for the casual cook-out at my house and was all ready. But no phone call from BuffaloBoy. *sigh*

About 4:05 pm, the phone rings again. BuffaloBoy reports that he is still far away, just over the North Carolina border. What? He wasn't that far away, and he's been supposedly driving for the last 7 hours? Well, he reports, he stopped a couple of places, kinda looked around, etc. Hey. Dude. You have a ticket for the ballgame. Again, I think he's making excuses to wiggle out and at this point I've kinda given up. I told him that we were leaving the house for the game at about 6:30 and he could come with us if he was ready.

5:35. The phone rings again. Now, I have to tell you that he IS making an effort. What his motives are, I just can't tell. Anyway, BuffaloBoy reports he is back in town, will take a shower, etc. and be over in about an hour. Yeah. I'm glad he's coming, but still can't shake the feeling that this is less about dating me and just more about hanging out.

Anyway, BuffaloBoy shows up, meets my other friends and we go off to the game and the fireworks. I had a great time, and hope that he had a nice time too. The worry lingers, however, that he might not be all that interested in dating, but rather happy to just be friends. Why? Well, there wasn't any move to hold my hand, kiss me, etc. He treated me nicely, but like a friend. I guess that's all well and good, but I was hoping for something more since I feel some sort of spark and chemistry, which just doesn't happen with every day. I guess I'll see if this coming weekend brings a date or not. That might be the clue.

And so I move forward.....

Puzzling

2006-07-03T09:30:00.000-04:00

Well, the long day Saturday date with BuffaloBoy has come and gone. And I'm just not sure what to think.

I had a good time, but don't know how to read him. Sometimes he's flirting and funny, other times quiet and distracted. I do have some clues, however, to his state of mind and I may need to look deeper.

I've found out that he is still carrying some feelings for a long-term woman that he recently (Spring) broke up with. He was up front with this information, but I can tell that it bothers him by how many comments I may hear about this within a conversation. And that's where my nurturning instinct kicked in.

I'm afraid I may have overcompensated on Saturday, trying to be charming and flirtly and super-duper upbeat instead of just my normal self. I'm wondering if I got on his nerves; thinking about how goofy I might have appeared. Arrgghh. Why did I have to do that?

My answer is a simple human one. I like this guy and want to get to know him more. And it's been a while since I've connected with someone and felt some real, bona fide attraction. Combine this with the really nice kiss on Wednesday after dinner at his place, I was thinking--overthinking?-- that this might be something that would have some promise.

What I need to do is go back to all the lessons I've learned over the last 2 years. Be yourself, don't try to make something that isn't there, understand that you won't click or even like everyone, and take things one day at a time, for exactly what they are.

BuffaloBoy and I have tickets for some fireworks for tomorrow night. Currently he's out of town visiting friends at an outdoor concert. So I hope that I hear from him tonight or tomorrow....and that he doesn't cancel. And I move forward....

Hot Tuna

2006-06-28T23:52:00.000-04:00

Tonight BuffaloBoy cooked dinner for me at his old, groovy house. I think it was a very big deal for him--he kept saying how he was out of practice for entertaining guests for dinner. I was touched by his nervousness and tried to let him know that whatever dinner was, it was OK with me.

He grilled tuna and veggies and had sauteed fresh spinach with garlic. Yummy! Oh, and he had cold shrimp cocktail for us as an appetizer. He ever pre-peeled it all!

I contributed ice cream (what else?!). All in all, a wonderful evening. *smile*

More later....I must move on to bed. Sweet dreams to all.

A great date

2006-06-26T17:53:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Monday and I wanted to report on the date with BuffaloBoy. He phoned on Saturday and asked if it was OK to go out instead of him cooking for me. Um, yeah. Hello. I love to go out.

Of course, with his very casual look on life, I wasn't sure where we would go, or how to dress. After searching the closet and consulting with Twin and Little One on outfits, I decided on a nice pair of short, a feminine knit top and sandals. I dressed it up with a little make-up, pretty earrings and fixed my hair. When he showed up at the door, he had on cargo shorts and a casual shirt. He looked nice, but same as BuffaloBoy...casual. The good news: he has trimmed the facial hair, so I was very happy. I kept thinking about how it would be to kiss him when he was all hairy. It looked nice and neat. Yeah!

We went to a fabulous restaurant in our city....small and personal. One thing about BuffaloBoy: he likes, appreciates and doesn't mind spending for a good meal. Not that I need wining and dining all the time, but it is nice. We had martinis, then mussels in white wine and garlic. Yum. Then a main dish each (duck and lamb!) and a bottle of wine. Now, friends, you know I don't always drink that much, but we were having a great time talking and flirting a bit. And the wine helped!

After a long, relaxing dinner, we came back to my place and talked and watched a little TV. After a while, he said he had to get home. I think we were both a little too tipsy, so he was gentlemanly in his wanting to leave. We kissed (just a little one!) and hugged goodbye. Nice Saturday evening, no doubt about it.

And so, I move on....

Dinner date/Part 2

2006-06-21T09:54:00.000-04:00

Well, after another nice phone call with BuffaloBoy, we have another dinner date set for this coming Saturday. Yeah! He is making dinner at his house for me. It will be interesting because it will show me kind of what he lives like and that gives you some insights.

We also talked about a book he is reading about Buddism. Sounded very interesting. I may borrow it in my quest to understand more about what has been going on in my life the last couple of years. And it was interesting to see how thoughful he is about his life.

More later. And so I move on.....

It never rains but it pours

2006-06-18T09:52:00.000-04:00

Well, this is a week that has been interesting, to say the least, on the dating scene. Let me start from the beginning.

Early in the week, a nice call from BuffaloBoy. We made a date for later in the week. More update on that to come. Next, a phone call from the Chef. Now, the Chef is someone I dated maybe for a week more than a year ago. A. Year. Ago. But every so often I get a random call from him asking how I am, what I've been doing, who I'm dating. He's not my guy, never was. Nice? Sure. But just not mine. Cute? OK. But still, not mine.

The question is, why does he call me out of the blue? Lonely? Bored? Whatever. In fact, I remember how we stopped dating. I think he broke a date. And once you do that, I get the message. Plus, I wasn't crazy about him, he didn't have a good excuse, he didn't ask to re-schedule when he broke it. So there you go.

Next in the week, Trouble called. Now, I actually enjoy him in very small, very infrequent doses. He's amusing, silly and always wants to go get a Krispy Kreme donut. He is one of the first people I met on my online service. After a few dates, I knew he was not my guy. But we struck up a casual friendship and he has his heart in the right place. He's unreliable, in debt (and TOLD me about it), and extremely self-centered. But amusing, trust me. Anyway, he called wanted to know if I wanted to go the the movies that night. Mind you, he called about 8:30 pm,, wanting company for the 9:20 show. Again, was he bored, lonely? Whatever. Of course, "no," was my reply.

Finally, a call out of the blue from a man I was dating back in Dec, Jan and Feb. (see Thursday, March 23, 2006, "A date and a .38") We had been on and off; first he was acting too serious, then I decided I was still working my way through feelings for the Torch, then we tried to date again, we celebrated Valentine's Day together (nice dinner!), and then all of the sudden he broke a date via email. Strange. I felt bad, since he was a good guy and I worried that he just got a bad deal since The Torch was still haunting me on and off.

So, I hereby name him The Accountant. Anyway, he wanted to tell me that he was thinking of me and thought I was a "quality person." Well....yeah. I knew that. He didn't ask for a date, just wanted to catch up and see if I was open to being friends. Sure. Why not? I left the ball in his court. He can call back and ask for dinner or something if he choses. We left it open; he's heading out of town this week.

Finally, I came home from work on Friday and had a message from BuffaloBoy. He had to postphone our dinner date. That morning, he had gotten a call from his mother asking what time he was coming to visit for the Father's Day weekend. He was very apologetic and wanted a raincheck. Later in the afternoon, we chatted on the phone and he actually called to say hello on Saturday as well. Again, pretty nice guy.

And so I move on....

Things I love

2006-06-14T18:52:00.000-04:00

Some things/products I love:

• Wrinkle release spray (can't remember the name)
• Maybelline mousse blush
• Low fat chocolate milk
• Gas-X (don't ask)
• Frosted Mini-wheats
• New bouncy tennis shoes
• Jockey no-line panties (the boy-cut especially)
• McDonald's french fries when they're hot

Saturday night's all right for....

2006-06-14T17:12:00.000-04:00

Well, after another terrific conversation with BuffaloBoy last night on the phone, he has asked for another date. We were going to do dinner this week, but with schedules, it seemed the best to do it Saturday night. YEAH!

We talked about him cooking dinner for me at his place, and then about a band playing up north about 30 minutes. I said I was flexible and he could decide after pondering it for a while. He will call Saturday to confirm, etc. I said I'd bring wine (smile!).

It so interesting that after I ranted about not having connections with someone who could really converse, I've got this interesting guy who is willing to talk and really, truly communicate. I mean about feelings, fears, happiness, etc. Ex-husband was intelligent, but would not talk about anything too intimate (not sex; you know what I mean) ever. I think I might know more about what's going on in BuffaloBoy's mind than the 15 years of marriage. How can that be? Age? Experience? Could it be a real sense of himself, and knowing what he values out of life?

Pretty incredible. And so I move forward....

Dinner, rain, tennis and the deck

2006-06-12T21:03:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long gap between postings. I'll have to fill you in, so here goes....

Last Thursday I went out to meet BuffaloBoy for the first time. We had 2 wonderful phone chats and were supposed to meet for lunch. But he changed the plans and said that lunch was "short." We arranged to meet at a nearby restaurant. I was excited but nervous as I had only see one photo of him; it was a winter scene with him wearing a big coat and hat.

To make a long story short as possible, he is very cute in a granola-mountain man-grown-up grad student sort of way. Nice eyes, shaved head, and a bit of a scruffy beard and moustache. I personally would like the face hair trimmed a bit. He is nice, funny, articulate, thoughtful, smart and interesting. He likes art, music, books, movies. We had a great evening including dinner, a walk and a drink. It went very well, and at the end he asked for another date.

Since the weekend was kinda busy for both of us, we decided on a game of tennis on Sunday. BuffaloBoy arrived looking like a casual hiker ready to play tennis. We had a wonderful time, laughing and chasing tennis balls. After that, he suggested breakfast, but I offered to cook at home instead. Once again, terrific conversation. I'm really tickled that I've found someone that I have a connection with. Will this turn romantic? I'm not sure yet. I'm trying to take my time and just enjoy the moments.

And at the end of the Sunday meeting, BuffaloBoy asked if he could make me dinner this week. We talked about which evening was better and he said that he would call to arrange a date. Pretty nice. And so I move forward....

Ma Bell

2006-06-06T09:37:00.000-04:00

Well, had a GREAT conversation with BuffaloBoy last evening. We talked for about 90 minutes and hit some great topics. It seems that we are on the same page on a lot of things. Art, music, food, being active, baggage at the age of 45, etc.

Happily, he made a lunch date for Thursday. While I'm trying not to get too excited, I'm really happy. Seems like it's been a while since I talked with someone who I clicked with so nicely.

And no weird comments either!

So, I move on toward Thursday.....

An open letter to Brad Pitt

2006-06-05T18:16:00.000-04:00

Dear Brad:

Let me first congratulate you on the birth of your new daughter. While I'm not a parent, I can only imagine the joy of welcoming a new child into the world.

What I'd really like to talk to you about is your relationship with Angelina Jolie. As a 45 year-old divorced woman, I have lots of thoughts about relationships and getting into something 'way too fast. I mean, you only divorced Jennifer Aniston last year. And already you have a daughter with someone else?

Now, I'm not a prude. I understand that people have children out of wedlock all the time. My concerns lie in the fact that you both seemed to jump into this relationship a little fast. You met on a movie set, remember? That can't be a real world situation. Did you sit down and talk about how you were going to manage your finances? What about your dreams and fears? Did you talk about who was going to discipline the children? Or who was responsible for the dishes?

Did you both think back on previous relationships and look for the patterns and lessons that were there? Have you talked about what makes a good relationship to you and are you both on the same page? Did you wonder about what has made Angelina jump from man to man? Have you thought about how she said how much she was into BillyBob, then said the same things about you?

All of this comes from my experiences, thoughts and (hopefully) gained wisdom over the last 2 years. While I've enjoyed dating, and certainly most of my time with The Torch, I have also taken the time to think about what I might need to change in myself, what I should look out for a new partner, what I deserve. I'm looking for the right person for the long haul, not just someone who lights my fire in a superficial (read: sex) way. Someone who can share hopes and dreams. And someone who can interest me emotionally, intellectually and physically.

If Angelina does all this for you, my blessings to you. However, my thoughts are that you both should have taken some time to explore lessons from the last few years.

Best wishes,
Sassy